(Closed) Future FIL Dilema….He despises me! and refuses to be there

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
2691 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Oh wow, that’s a really tough situation. Unfortunately, you can’t force him to like you and if that is the attitude he is going to take, then that is how it has to be. All you can do is support you FH and explain to him that just because his father doesn’t like you, that doesn’t change the fact that you want him to have a good relationship with his dad.

Keep your head up and focus on all the wonderful people who WILL be there to celebrate your love and commitment to one another and try not to focus on the ones who won’t.

Post # 4
5654 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

I think that if DH’s Father would’ve been refusing to come that I would have done whatever I could.. pride gone… to see that he be there… not for me but b/c it’s not something that he and your FH don’t want to regret later.

Pride is NOT worth the regret it brings later down the road.. as I’m sure the hope is that one day the whole family can accept and love one another.

I definiltey know how tough in-laws can be… and understand the resentment that can come from not being accepted BUT… still you may feel you have the right to be angry and entitled  but that is still not worth the regret that could come later.

I always say to do your part in what is right and THEN if the other part chooses to stay in their pride and act like a fool then that’s totally on them.

From what it sounds… in your opinion toward your Future Father-In-Law… there are still some things that you could do out of humilty and love for your FH to possible reconcile enough to atleast get him there.

I’m sure that it means alot to your FH to have his father there… and THAT right there would be enough for me to go groveling if I had to to Darling Husband father so that he’d be there….

You lose nothing but have the possibility to gain something GREAT for your FH.

((hugs)) for your frustration and I hope that it all works out 😉

Post # 5
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m sorry I don’t have any advice. Just internet {hugs}

Post # 6
1667 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

wow, that is a really tough situation. I think the best you can do at this point (since Father-In-Law has made up his mind) is to be very supportive and loving with your Fiance right now and let him know that you know this is hard for him and that you are there if he needs/wants to talk about it.

Post # 7
91 posts
Worker bee

How sad, just remember he is the one that loses out.  Your job is to be as supportive as you can to your Fiance.  Remember the only person you can change is yourself.  If you continue to act in a loving and supportive manner with your future husband, your Father-In-Law will hopefully come to realize that you are the best thing that ever happened to him.  My husbands family didn’t like me either, but eventually as they saw how happy he was, the cam around.  Hope this helps.

Post # 8
654 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

My friend went through this.  Her Father-In-Law hates her and now has lost his only son because of it.  My friend’s husband chose her over his father.  It’s sad that this guy will never know his 2 adorable grandbabies. While I don’t know all of the details of your situation, I know in their case, letting go was the best decision they made. 

Post # 10
46590 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Do you think you could bring yourself to phone him and ask him to attend the wedding for his son’s sake?

You could write out what you want to say in advance, and do not let him goad you into responding in any sort of negative fashion. Stick to the script!

If he starts up with anything, just say  ” I just wanted to let you know that both Fiance and I want you at the wedding. I’ll leave you with that. Hope you can see your way to attend”.

Then hang up.

You will know that you have done everything humanly possible to let this man know that his presence is wanted.

After that, you will have to let it go.

Unfortunately, there are likely to be more hurts caused by this man in the years to come.

You and your Fiance will have to choose to rise above.

Post # 11
5654 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

@Armywife89: I understand that pride and resentment you have.. I really do. I dealt with alot of that with my ex-husbands family and how they were to me and HE was an abusive alcoholic.

BUT the best thing that you could do for you is to forgive him b/c he doesn’t even know what he’s doing. Believe me… when we let our hearts get hard in pride, we don’t even realize the pain we’re causing people… all we see is our justification. But really.. what is our “right” matter if we’re damaging those around us?.

I do know it’s hard…. but man.. what if you really could just scream it out (if needed) and let your heart be broken for him as opposed to entitled toward him and you might be able to see not just a reconciled relationship but really a reconciled life.

Humility is not an easy task… BUT it does work wonders in someone who is prideful.

I really like @julies1949: idea about the phone call.. and a written script….

even if you took note cards and talked with him face to face! <—- I know that sounds ridiculous but just try and see what I’m seeing…. A hard man full of pride infront of his soon to be DIL who b/c of her own hurts and resentments is using cards to keep on track (not letting her own heart get in the way on something much more important) apologizing for any and all parts you could have played in where ya’ll are now and just humbly asking that if just for the day… he could set aside how he feels and be there for his son… <— things like this do happen and it can have great affects!

I turly hope that this can get better and that it can be worked out. My best advice is something my mom tells me often when dealing with someone who is like you Future Father-In-Law… do whatever you have to to be “blameless” then if the other party still chooses to act like they are then they are the only ones that can be called the fool… as you have set yourself/own pride aside and done everything you can.

(((hugs))) again for your frustation.

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