Future husbnd and I don’t agree on children….

posted 5 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
4811 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

He told me that it’s his choice to be done having kids and I told him that I also have a choice to have more. 

At the end of the day he is right, he does get to decide whether he is going to have any more children or not.  It isn’t great to make a unilateral decision within a relationship without talking to the other person but this is a huge thing and having another child when you don’t want to isn’t fair either, this is really the only way he has control over the situation.

The only choice you have with regards to having more is to find someone else, who may or may not want children when it comes down to it, or who may not be able to have children when it comes down to it.  You might not even be able to have another when it comes down to it, so your ‘choice’ isn’t the same as his choice to not have any more.  

I wouldn’t push the topic just yet, there is still a few months before the baby is due and he could very well change his mind then.  Right now he could be speaking from a place of being overwhelmed at the thought of another child.  It wasn’t planned and it is likely that the reality is only sinking in for him now.  However I wouldn’t assume that he isn’t serious about this. 

When the dust settles, your options are to wait it out and see if he changes his mind after a year or two, leave and try to find someone else, or be happy with your two hopefully healthy children.

It is a bit of a contradiction to say you will love your step son as a bio child, but assume he won’t love you as much as his bio mom.  It is also worth mentioning to you that just because you have another bio child doesn’t mean they will be the child you dream of, they don’t have to love you just because you gave birth to them.  Everything is a risk and isn’t cut and dry. 

Post # 3
Member
3194 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Having more children or not isn’t something you can compromise on. Someone is giving in completely, someone is getting something they don’t want while the other gets what they want. It sucks and it’s hard, but I would table any marriage talk until you decide whether you can live with this or you want to move on. 

Post # 4
Member
2670 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

He has a point. You can’t force him to have more children that he doesn’t want.

He could change his mind after this baby is born or he could not. I suggest you find a way to accept his choice and find ways to be happy with the 2 children you have.

FWIW I have a friend who’s husband has a 16 year old son. They have a 2 year old daughter. She wanted another child, he didn’t. She’s pregnant now so I assume she persuaded him. 

Post # 5
Member
3090 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

This is a tough spot to be in. On the one hand, it’s good that he isn’t lying to you and pretending to go along with having more kids when that isn’t what he wants, but on the other hand he needs to be willing to have a real ongoing conversation about the possibility of more kids, considering he previously had agreed with you on wanting more. However, this is not a unilateral decision that he gets to just make. You are a family now and it needs to be a joint decision. 

You both need to come at the issue from the perspective of “what is best for US”, not “what do I, individually, want?”. I hope that you are able to come to a decision together that you are both satisfied with and that, regardless of what choice you end up making together, you move on from that choice without resentment and hurt feelings. As long as you refrain from treating the issue as a win-lose scenario where one of you comes out on top and the other has to compromise, ou should be fine. 

Post # 6
Member
2539 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

You both have a right to choose how many kids you want to have. He cannot force you to not want anymore kids, but vice versa, you can’t force him to WANT more kids. You said this child wasn’t planned and it’s possible that is setting in and that’s why he is sort of backing off to the idea of more kids. 

Either way, you have to decide if only having 2 kids would be a deal breaker for you. 

Post # 7
Member
1375 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Children are a dealbreaker in a relationship bee.  You can’t force him to want more and he can’t force you to want less.  He has a right to change his mind and its fortunate that he did BEFORE marrying you but also unfortunate that there’s now another child in the mix and it makes things more complicated.

I understand bee, you feel betrayed and misled….like he bait and switched you.  Neither of you are wrong but his accusations are unfair and off base.

I’d hold off on any wedding plans and do some couples counseling just so that you can both get a little clarity into your next move.

 

 

Post # 8
Member
752 posts
Busy bee

You haven’t even given birth yet! You may change your mind too about multiple children once you go through an entire pregnancy and birth and begin raising a child. He has been honest with you and you can’t fault him for that even though the way he is going out it is not great. People are allowed to change their mind just as you are. 

Post # 9
Member
5968 posts
Bee Keeper

Is 2 kids that much different than 3? If you guys stay together and are basically raising him from a baby, I DO think its possible to love a step parent as much or more than a bio parent. That’s like saying you can’t love an adopted parent as much as a bio parent – of course you can. 

Only you can decide if you’ll be happy with 2. You can’t force him to want more children. It sucks that he changed his mind, but often fantasies come crashing down when reality hits. The no sleep, no money, college savings, larger home, etc are all easy to ignore when you’re just imagining a future life together. It sounds like your options are – have 2 kids with the man you love, or have 1 kid, leave and be a single mom for a while until you find someone else to have more kids with. Is that better? I agree with pps that counselling sounds like a good outlet to help you both manage this. 

Post # 10
Member
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2007 - City, State

familycomesfirst :  my issue with this is he originally told you he wanted 3 or 4 TOTAL and you went forward in the relationship with that information. He has now rescinded and only wants one child with you now. That would bother me a great deal in your shoes.

OP is not forcing her fiance into anything but if I were her I would feel duped. Everyone has the right to change their mind, I get it, but this is who she was planning on having children with. HER biological children. He told her one thing and is now saying another. 

Post # 11
Member
2912 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Well it sounds like a lot has happened in a very short time.  Your fiance has a 2 year old son, which means he was around 1 when you two started dating?  And you had an opps pregnancy in August, when you’d only been dating like 8 or 9 months?  It sounds like the poor guy is overwhelmed!

I’m pregnant and due any day.  When my husband and I first started talking about kids, we said we wanted 2 or 3.  I’m the middle of 3 and he is the middle of 5.  Now that it’s real, we may have one, two tops.  My husband has a good job, but running the numbers and seeing just how expensive kids are has made us do a double take and rethink what we want out of life.  Do we want to be more comfortable, and be able to do things like pay for college, or do we want to possibly have to struggle?  Jobs are not certain, heck, health isn’t even certain.  I don’t think it’s unusual to change your mind once the reality hits.

So only you can decide if this is a deal breaker or not.  It’s not like he completely changed his mind and said he didn’t want kids at all.

Post # 12
Member
2539 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

sunnierdaysahead2 :  Exactly this. 

When I met my (now) ex, I wanted 4+ kids! Then, I had my son and immediately was like, there’s no way! My now husband and I are pregnant and have decided we are 90% likely to be done after this little one (which would make us have 2). So yes, people change their mind. I’ve known SO many people that have had that realization after having their first or second kiddo. 

Also, OP, you’ve only known this person for a year. A LOT has happended in one year. It would be overwhelming for anyone. I would definitely recommend couples therapy. 

Post # 13
Member
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2007 - City, State

jellybellynelly :  yes, 2 kids is very much different than 3, especially when she only gave birth to 1.

Post # 14
Member
2009 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Honestly, Bee, you can’t make him have or want more children. And while I don’t doubt that you love your step-son, I do think he has a point that you want more partly because you don’t view your step-son as your child. You state several times that while you have a bond, it will never the same as with your own child. So maybe he is being protective of his son a bit as well by keeping it to 2 kids.

Post # 15
Member
2009 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

“yes, 2 kids is very much different than 3, especially when she only gave birth to 1.”

So I guess her step-son doesn’t really count?

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