Future husbnd and I don’t agree on children….

posted 6 days ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
2333 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

chocolateplease :  1. She’s not married to this man and 2. You can have a bond with someone and love them without being adopted or having parents be married. My dad who raised me never married my mom nor are they together now but he raised me for 16 years now and I’m closer to him than my mother who BIRTHED me. No adoption, no marriage, and I was 11 when he came into my life. “I’ve seen it happen.” There’s no excuse for OP to be using the non-bio child as an excuse for more children. The man changed his mind. They barely know esch other and now there’s two children involved. Who knows if this relationship is even going to last all things considered in this post plus the amount of time they’ve been together. He’s probably trying to prevent the possibility of having more baby mamas because he’s already on the second one so soon, unplanned, without marriage. Just being honest I don’t blame him for changing his mind but they both should have been more responsible in the first place.

Post # 32
Member
15 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2017

I second jaywalker7 that OP can love her step child as much as her bio child yet not feel like you have the same relationship as with your own child (bio or adopted), assuming that the ex shares custody. An adopted parents is still 100% the child’ legal guardian where as the step parent needs to navigate a lot more boundaries in regards to the bio parents. My Mother-In-Law loves her step daughter and her kids to bits and does everything a grandmother do for them. But she’s confessed that she has sad that the kids never called her grandma (because they view my FIL’s ex wife as their real grandma). She’s definitely been super emotional and excited since I’ve gotten pregnant, and has said more than once how she’s can’t wait to be more implicated in our child’s life. I don’t think she loves her step-grandchildren any less, but I think she feels like she won’t have to hold back on boundaries of step parent with our child.

Post # 33
Member
2999 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Just as a woman’s body is her own to decide what to do with so is a man’s. He doesn’t want more kids. He is absolutely entitled to make that decision unilaterally. He doesn’t need your permission or agreement to decide that he does not want to be the father to any more children. You are also absolutely entitled to want a bigger family and to find someone who also wants that. 

The situation is very unfortunate, but children are not an area of compromise. Neither of you are wrong for taking the positions that you have, it may just mean you aren’t a good fit for each other’s futures. 

Post # 34
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

I absolutely agree that you should focus on this baby and not worry too much just yet about what comes next. You can’t always plan out life and expect that the universe will deliver and I am inclined to say be grateful for what you do have rather than worrying about what you may not. Although I appreciate wanting more children is perfectly valid.

However we all seem to be glossing over the small issue of him wanting a vasectomy ASAP which will take all future discussions off the table! I’d really try to have a calm ‘can we just wait and see how we all feel in a few years from now’ chat with him…..

good luck! 

Post # 35
Member
3809 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

The problem with “wait a few years” is that he already has two kids and one was an accident after only a few months with OP.

Maybe they are terrible at birth control, or maybe they have been using it properly and now he doesn’t trust it. A vasectomy is the only way he can ensure he doesn’t have a third kid that he doesn’t want. He has only known op a year, he doesn’t have to wait a few years before making a decision about his own body. 

 

jillsgills :  

Post # 36
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

Well quite – he can absolutely do what he wants I’d just suggest that given he has changed his mind already and his head is probably all over the place at the moment, it may not be the best time to make such a huge decision. 

But ultimately it’s his choice! I rather suspect he is currently feeling rather overwhelmed with it all zzar45 :  

Post # 37
Member
558 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

familycomesfirst :  

i completely understand why you are upset. Yes people can change their mind, but people can also get upset when someone changes their mind. For example, a couple might agree that they will live on a big country property one day, then one may decide they only ever want to live in a big city. The person who had their heart set on living in the country is completely allowed to feel hugely disappointed, hurt, and confused that they will not get to realise their dream with their loved one. The city person is allowed to change their mind. The couple could compromise and live on the outskirts of the city with a big garden, or one person can miss out on their dream, or both people can persue their dreams separate from each other. 

The compromise in your situation would be to delay the vasectomy! Surely you can agree on a period of time where you use alternative contraception while you both adjust to life with a newborn and then you can re-evaluate once some time has passed. As others have said, you might be the one to change your mind about more kids, or he might as well. I have a 4 month old and would get pregnant again tomorrow if I could – i think it’s the best thing ever. My partner is a bit on the fence but I knew that going in. Other mum friends are finding parenthood incredibly tough. 

The baby is coming regardless. Enjoy your baby and your time together as a new family and just wait and see how it all goes. If your heart breaks for another child in a few years, and you are prepared to give up your relationship to pursue it, then you will. But there is something to be said for appreciating what you have already… a gorgeous step child, a man you are madly in love with, and a much wanted bub on the way. So many dream of what you have so try to relax and enjoy your pregnancy. The answer will come to you in time. But yes, you get to feel upset. Hugs xxxx

Post # 38
Member
10840 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

ne11y23 :  “i completely understand why you are upset. Yes people can change their mind, but people can also get upset when someone changes their mind.”

That’s also what I came here to post.  

If you aren’t sure about wanting more children or how many, then just say you aren’t sure. But to act as if he was on board with the OP having more than one absolutely misled her, stepson or no stepson. He changed his mind unilaterally and he’s going to have to deal with the fallout, including breach of trust issues. 

Of course couples can and do change their minds on the subject of children. The difference is this is hopefully a joint decision and discussion. That’s not what happened here. 

Post # 39
Member
2271 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

weddingmaven :  

But to act as if he was on board with the OP having more than one absolutely misled her, stepson or no stepson. 

It’s unclear in the OP but it sounds like maybe he was originally on board and changed his mind. If you look at the entire OP holistically, you could probably understand why. He has a 2 year old, has only known OP a year and now has another baby on the way in 4 short months. I would definitely be feeling overwhelmed if I were him too, which could be the reasoning behind his seemingly drastic change of heart. 

Post # 40
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I just want to say that I absolutely understand why you are upset!! People do have a right to change their minds, but that doesn’t mean you have to be happy or even neutral about it. You’re allowed to be devastated. This isn’t the same but, when we were dating I made it very clear to my husband (then-bf) that my one and only dream was to live abroad at some point during our lives, preferably before having kids. He agreed enthusiastically. It’s something I reiterated many times over the years. He agreed to it. He proposed to me, knowing it’s what I wanted, and he married me knowing it’s what I wanted. If he turned around now that we’re married and said nope, no longer interested in doing that, quite frankly I’d be devastated and feel very misled. 

Anyway, I do agree with others that you should wait until this baby is here and see how you both feel. You may realize that one is actually enough for you. Or your husband may realize, once the overwhelemd feeling has settled down, that he DOES still want one or two more babies with you. One thing that’s important I think is that you should ask him to hold off for at least a year on the vasectomy in case he changes his mind. 

I also want to say, I don’t agree with people who are saying you clearly don’t love your stepson like a bio son. I am not a stepparent, but I can understand how you could love him like a bio son but also know that he doesn’t love you like he loves his bio mom. No matter how close you guys are and how great your relationship is, at the end of the day you only have one mother and you are not his. He has one. So I can totally understand that while you see him as your child and love him as your child, you probably feel that you won’t have the mother/son bond you crave with a child who has his bio mother (and she likely has custody of him much more than you do, I would assume). I don’t think this means that you don’t see your stepson as a bio son, and I’m sorry people are saying that. I also think your FI’s comment about that was hitting below the belt. I doubt he really thinks you feel that way, I’d bet he just used that as his argument because right now he is adamant that he doesn’t want more children. And honestly that’s unkind. Best of luck to you OP, you sound like a great stepmother and I’m sure you’ll make a terrific mom! 

Post # 41
Member
6 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2019

People are allowed to change for the sake of their own happiness. He shouldn’t force you to stop having kids and you shouldn’t force him to have more. I would pick a calm day to ask him what made him change his mind all of the sudden? Provide hypotethical solutions and see if he’s open to changing his mind. If he’s dead set still, you only have two options: 1) break it off immediately, or 2) wait until you’re ready for second child to decide – see if he changes his mind, or who knows, you could even be the one to change your mind! 

I will say though, you will definitely find another man who loves you again. But you cannot have another child if the man you’re with isn’t willing to. But since you already have kids together, you should think about their well-being too should you two split. 

Post # 42
Member
10840 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

beevincent18 :  “It’s unclear in the OP but it sounds like maybe he was originally on board and changed his mind.”

Yes, but the fact that he changed his mind unilaterally and with little consideration for the original understanding is a very big deal IMO. An agreement on a subject as important as this should absolutely be taken seriously. It’s not like changing your mind about where you want to go out to eat next Saturday. 

And even if one understands his reasons apart from all this, there doesn’t seem to be any sensitivity at all in his approach or recognition for the fact that he essentially pulled a bait and switch, destroying trust in the process. It’s his way or the highway and a vasectomy ASAP. 

Post # 43
Member
1105 posts
Bumble bee

I get why you are so upset he basically lied to you. For me it would taint my whole relationship. I’d need to know if he always knew he only wanted 1 more but purposely deceived me this whole time until he got what he wanted and trapped me and then could dictate his wants. If he in anyway did this on purpose, in that he knew after having 1 kid with him you would feel trapped in the relationship and have to accept his terms, than I would dump his ass ASAP bc that is just sick. 

He and you both get to decide how many kids you want. But when one person states they agree with the plan and then completely and with no compromise changes their mind it’s a dick move. If I were you I’d insist on couples therapy ASAP. You need to address your feelings about this and find out where his change of heart is coming from. 

 

familycomesfirst :  

Post # 44
Member
1679 posts
Bumble bee

I haven’t read all the comments, but my first impression was that he idealistically wanted more kids, but not necessarily with you. Were you engaged before you got pregnant? Or did you get engaged after finding out about the pregnancy? It sounds like he’s trying to limit the number of baby mamas he has.

Post # 45
Member
3274 posts
Sugar bee

Oof, this is a tough one. I normally say that when people tell you who they are, believe them. BUT, facing the birth of a new child can be stressful. And once the baby arrives, woah, talk about stress on a relationship. I’d do lots of taking to make sure this is how he REALLY feels v. he is freaking out about having a baby.

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors