Future husbnd and I don’t agree on children….

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 46
1349 posts
Bumble bee

DoubleD :  you missed my point. OP may be of the mind, as many ppl are, that she does not have legal rights to her soon to be stepson, so while she may intend to love the child as her own, at the end of the day if shit hits the fan, she has no legal leg to stand on.

While your experience is positive and it sounds like everyone was cool with you continuing a relationship with your non-bio parent, I have seen situations where a step parent effectively raised a child as their own and then after the couple split up (either in divorce or otherwise) they had NO right to see the child and were absolutely devastated. It does happen. 

Post # 47
2353 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

chocolateplease :  I understand that but if you have the intent to be with someone forever which OP does since she’s referring to him as future husband, then you should already be in the mindset that his son is your step son and suffices as one of your two children. I get that things can go south and bio children are the only ones you have rights to but that’s not what OP should be thinking at this point in time.  If that IS the case then she damn sure shouldn’t  be marrying this guy if she doesn’t plan on considering this child her child too.  Just like divorce you don’t set up your married life constantly thinking you will get divorced.  So don’t buy a home together,  don’t have kids, etc JUST IN CASE you get divorced.  Yeahhh, no. She needs to start viewing his son as her stepson if she plans on marrying him (which isn’t sounding very likely at this time).

Post # 48
904 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

familycomesfirst :  I think you shouldn’t decide how many u want u til you have this one ! 

Post # 49
292 posts
Helper bee

I can see how OP would feel betrayed and possibly manipulated. While it is true it is also his decision, he should have had the respect to speak up earlier. If so, should could have decided then if she wanted to continue the relationship and the pregnancy, especially if she had strong preferences over having multiple children, all with the same father. Now, she has understandably less bargaining power.

Post # 50
2417 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

I would say marry him. You like his son, that is a big plus. Two kids is a lot. By the time you have the baby, and the stepson is growing up, that is a full boat. He changed his mind, you could too. You chose too, to take on a guy who already had a kid. Makes no sense to blow the whole thing up by ditching the guy, becoming a single mom. 

I would only encourage him to not have a vasectomy too quickly and rashly. Wait a year (you go on some near foolproof birth control) and see how he feels then. He might not change his mind but he might.

Post # 51
1293 posts
Bumble bee

I’m wondering if your Fiance said he wanted 3 kids before you became pregnant, OP.  Because he’s had a lot happen to him in a very short time.  You said this baby was an oops baby, so I’m guessing that maybe he did want to have 3 or 4 children total, but space them out a bit.  Having 2 back to back, and with 2 different women, is tough.  He’s got to pay the mother of his first child some sort of financial support, and it’s not like he can use the baby stuff like a crib for your pregnancy.  The vasectomy comment was probably because he’s freaking out.  I also have known a lot of people that have changed their minds on the number of kids they wanted once they actually had a child.

Post # 52
2353 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

redmango :  good point. Like you said, add the fact that he has to deal with paying child support most likely and that is usually more out of pocket than raising a child in one joint household. It’s a lot on his plate and he already has two kids now that he’s financially responsible for so his mindset is probably different than OP with her one.

Post # 53
6 posts
  • Wedding: January 2017

familycomesfirst :  you need to wait for a time that will be helpful for you to understand your husband. After that, he will see your love for him and maybe, he starts thinking about your feelings.

Post # 54
11118 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

Whether the OP loves her stepson with all of her heart is not the issue. But the fiancé is not a widower. Nor apparently is the little boy’s mother some kind of an absentee parent or biomom. She’s very much in the picture and involved. OP can never take her place or her role in his life, nor should she. As mentioned earlier, she has no decision making authority, and unless the mother were to give up custody in most cases she could not legally adopt the boy even if she wanted to. That doesn’t mean they aren’t a family. Of course they are. 

Financial, emotional, and logistic considerations are of course a part of any decision related to increasing family size. But accusing the OP, as her fiancé did, of showing potential favoritism by having the “nerve” to continue to hope for something they mutually agreed upon at some point was unfair and manipulative, even cruel. IMO its only purpose was to distract her from the offensive way he has handled this. 

I also think it’s important to remember OP and her fiancé have only known one another for about a year. Personally, I wouldn’t be introducing my children to a new boyfriend that soon after a split from his or her other parent, let alone be engaged. The unplanned pregnancy may have had something to do with the timing, of course.

In a typical dating relationship you don’t necessarily see a person with open eyes right away. But seeing someone under pressure can be a very good indication of character, and of how they are likely to handle conflict in the future. 

With an unexpected pregnancy and so many big changes in their lives in such a short period of time, it is no surprise that the fiancé is feeling lots of stress, but it’s no excuse for insults, demands, and acting as if he has not done a 180 on a very important subject.

I think couple’s counseling is a must. 

Post # 55
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

sf618b :  I came to respond with the exact same thing. Not fair to her if he said one thing and is now doing another. 

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