(Closed) Future husband chooses his father over me constantly.

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
9198 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

if your finances are combined and he is using your money withour you knowledge, you need to have a sit down and talk about your goals and expectations with your FH.

if your finances are separarate, he is not taking your money.

Post # 4
Member
1043 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

This is not about his father.

Your fiancé continues to make major financial decisions without your input, even after you’ve told him that that’s not okay. It is in no way acceptable for him to “invest everything” of your joint money without even consulting you. It is in no way acceptable for him to take out a loan without consulting you.

You are not the bad guy here, and it would be perfectly reasonable for you to leave him. Financial incompatibility is a dealbreaker. The “justifications” for his spending don’t matter: if he wanted you to be okay with the spending, he could discuss it with you BEFOREHAND.

Post # 5
Member
843 posts
Busy bee

This is not okay.

If someone fucked with my asset allocation without talking to me, I would be livid. Joint finances belong to the two people they are between, not a third party. Investments are a big deal to me, and I would not and could not tolerate anyone outside of Fiance contributing information (unless asked).

The way your Fiance is treating you does not imply respect. Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong, but the boys club mentality he seems to have almost seems sexist, as if your input isn’t needed because you’re a woman. Disregarding your opinons and feelings in favor of someone he is not about to marry would be completely inexcusable to me.

Have you considered counseling? It sounds like he could really benefit from a third party presenting your issues in a neutral way.

Post # 6
Member
5883 posts
Bee Keeper

This doesn’t sound like it will get better after marriage. Yes, his father is ill and needs care and compassion- but this should be a shared loyalty between all of FI’s siblings and himself, so that he is not consumed with taking care of his father to the point that his Fiance is lonely much of the time. 

Handling your mutual finances without your input and consent and extravagant gifts you can’t afford, this is unacceptable. You need to do 2 things if you want to continue in this relationship- separate bank accounts for your own protection and have a very firm, serious talk with him to let him know this is not only unacceptable but a potential deal breaker for marriage. 

Post # 7
Member
3396 posts
Sugar bee

Nope, nope, nope. It is one thing to tell his father about investments AFTER the two of you have agreed on a plan but leaving you out of all financial decisions is so wrong.  So wrong.  Please sit down with him and express how serious an issue this is before making further plans.  

Post # 9
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee

countryweddinggurl:  There are two things that I think is best to avoid competing with in an early stage of marriage or relationship: Your partner’s career and immediate family. Those are battles to be won over time. Putting your partner in the hotspot over those two will most likely backfire and bring out the ugly 🙁 Pressuring him to decide right now doesn’t seem like the best way to go just yet.

However, as many of these wise ladies above have mentioned, the problem seems to be that your fiancé doesnt know how to be a team with you. Leave out the father in law in this conversation since that seems to be your husband’s ultimate defense. He needs to realize that getting married means he cant go around making decisions on his own, expecting you to follow. 

Post # 10
Member
816 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

You are not incorrect in feeling this way and I don’t think this has much to do with how close a family you have.  I’m very family focused and some things you have said are absolute deal breakers to me.

1) finances – this should be strictly between you two : period.  If your fil is investment savvy I can understand getting his advice but that is the extent of that.  The final decision is between you two solely.

2) gifts – this is trickier based on previous habits. if neither of you have set these limits or if he is spending based on his monthly allowances (which he has saved) then you should butt out of it.  However this does not seem to be the case.  I would sit down with him and set a monthly allowance that both of you agree upon and that neither will contest on what each does with that money.  Anything else, including larger gifts needs to be discussed and agreed as a household.

3) care taking – this I disagree with you.  Yes ideally all family members should take care of a failing elder member but not all families are capable of this.  As an example my Mother-In-Law takes care of her mother because unlike others in her family she has time and money to do so which the others do not.  You should obviously still have time with your husband so I would make sure your couple time is satisfied but at the same token you should try to involve yourself with your fils care too if you are capable of doing so.  Two hands makes time go faster than one and may increase binding with you both.  I would tread carefully about addressing other siblings care of your fil to your husband but you can say how you’re concerned they are missing valuable time with your dad and see if they’d like to take care/visit once a day for example.

I think with one and two you need to have a very serious discussion with your so which may include counceling before proceeding further.

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