(Closed) Future in law drama

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
6929 posts
Busy Beekeeper

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amerckling6 :  that sucks and I think it’s awful when parents are so unequal to their children, however as you know, there is no requirement here, so there is nothing for you to do about it but suck it up and deal.  Sorry frown  I would not, however, allow them one iota of input into your wedding and other events.

Post # 3
1412 posts
Bumble bee

You don’t get to dictate how others spend their money. Nor should you ever assume people will be giving you money. 

Post # 4
6331 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

Your IL’s not wanting to help with your wedding is not rude, but your Fiance asking them to help certainly is.  This is what yo do: plan the wedding you and your Fiance can afford on your own

Post # 5
1358 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Banquet Hall/Conference Center

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knickergold :  welll, normally this would be true but it is his family after all. It seems extremely careless and rude of them to plan finances for one son and not the other. Just like you plan for a kid’s college contribution, wouldn’t you similarly plan for wedding contributions given that they already gave to one kid and that they don’t seem financially struggling?

Post # 6
2180 posts
Buzzing bee

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amerckling6 :  Take finances and favors competely out of the relationship and leave it strictly emtoional. It’s hard, especially when there’s uneven distribution of resources between siblings, but it will save you a shitload of drama and hurt on all sides. I’ve got passive-aggressive Future In-Laws with weird attitudes about money and we’re in the middle of reframing the relationship like this, it’s an ongoing process but its definitely empowering to remove any leverage for power games on their part and not depend on them for diddly-squat. 

We’re considering just having refreshments at our place after the rehearsal rather than hosting another full-on dinner right before we host a full-on dinner at our wedding. I think you should conder this before just assuming your parents will have to pick up the tab. 

Post # 7
4240 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Ummm… Yeah, super rude of you to make assumptions and ESPECIALLY rude to ask for money.  You don’t know what their financial situation is like.  You can’t make assumptions.  Life also isn’t fair, and you comparing your experience to your fiance’s sibling’s experience is only going to make things worse.  Seriously, your future life with them is going to be a heck of a lot worse if you let this ruin your perception of them.

Post # 8
2492 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

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amerckling6 :  I feel very bad for your Fiance for his parents providing preferential treatment to his sibling – that must be very hurtful. With that being said, his parents have every right to do what they want with their money. They are not obligated to conribute, so I would definitely only count on the combined finances of you, your Fiance, and your parents to pay for the wedding. Look on the bright side, at least you have your parents’ support! xoxo

Post # 9
7798 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

You know what they say about assumptions…

Life isn’t fair. As a parent I’ve made different choices for different children at different points in our lives, not always because it was what I wanted but sometimes because my options had changed. You don’t know what their circumstances are–maybe they weren’t expecting two weddings within two years and could afford to do for the first without compromising their lifestyle but can’t do that again so soon. It doesn’t really matter–it’s their choice to decide how and where they spend their money.

It is nobody’s responsibility to fund your wedding but your own. Everything gifted to you is a bonus. Be grateful that your parents are helping out and move forward from there. Pay for the rehearsal yourselves. Celebrate what you have instead of obsessing over what you don’t have. 

Post # 10
7571 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Posts like these never go well on the Bee, but I can totally understand being hurt that they contributed to the brother’s wedding but are flat out unwilling to contribute to yours. If I was your Fiance, I’d find that really hurtful and confusing and be wondering if I did something to upset them. 

Nevertheless, it’s true that it’s their money and they get to do what they want with it. While it’s hurtful, I would try to move past this and plan a wedding that you can afford without their help.

Post # 11
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I understand how your Fiance might be hurt by the unequal treatment but truly, it is their money and you don’t have any right to it. In this situation, you don’t do anything or deal with this any other way than by just moving on with a wedding you can afford. I agree with the PP who said it was wrong for your Fiance to ask them what they intend to contribute. They are not obligated to pay for your party, no matter how little they use their kitchen.

Post # 12
5545 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

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amerckling6 :  

This is not going to end well for you.

It’s not rude, or selfish of them to spend THEIR money how they want to spend it.

My inlaws pay all of my future brother in laws bills. He has a wife and two kids, and him and his wife work part time from home, online. They leech off of my inlaws and will continue to do so after my inlaws retire in a few months.

I’ve talked to them about it but only because I’m concerned about their upcoming retirement. We would NEVER ask them “well, where’s OURS??”

We are adults, we pay our own way and my inlaws are free to do whatever they want with their money. No matter HOW much it boils my blood that my brother in law leeches off of them.

Post # 13
13892 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

How do you deal?  By not judging someone else’s finances, not expecting them to hand you money, and paying for the party you’re throwing by yourselves.  This is how being an adult works, my friend.

Your inlaws can decide to spend they money however they see fit.  If they want to travel or redo their kitchen, that’s their choice.  You have no right to their money, and no say in how they spend it. 

Post # 14
704 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

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amerckling6 :  I understand your hurt. We thought DH parents would give a sizable amount to the wedding but they didn’t. The same year they redid their kitchen and pool. So it just kinda stung I guess? They have gave to DH in other times but it was just a bit odd how they were about the wedding. Some days I’m not sure if they like me lol. We did plan a wedding we could pay for as I financially support my own mother.

But as others have said it’s their money and they can spend to choose it as they would like. DH parents also seem to favor his brother but in a sense they know he’s not as put together as DH. They know DH can take care of himself.

Also the only way this will cause drama is if you let it.

Post # 15
2675 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

There’s no “drama” here unless you and your fiancé choose to create some. 

I would also be careful about making assumptions of favoritism. You could be off base. Your Future Brother-In-Law got $5k for his wedding and a refrigerator. But, what has your fiancé gotten over time that his brother hasn’t? For example: help with college tuition, a car, music lessons or sports equiptment? The point is it’s totally unhealthy, not to mention almost impossible, to accurately “keep score” in this situation. 

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