(Closed) Future In Law problems

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
4439 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

@bridetobe72013:  Why did you ask them to be in the wedding?


Personally I would just buy their shoes and dresses to stop having to worry about it.  Definitely don’t fight with Future Mother-In-Law about money…

Post # 4
3415 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Lodge

UGH sorry you’re dealing with this.  Personally I’d just let it go.  As long as she shows up for the wedding ON TIME and behaves just let it be.  When its her time to get married and she asks you to be involved I would do all the things she asks of you (within reason).  Its not worth a big fight over and not worth losing your cool.  Weddings are stressful enough without driving a wedge in your new families.

Post # 7
2598 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@bridetobe72013:  Why would you complain to your Future Mother-In-Law about her adult daughter?  the 23 year old is responsible for herself and her own actions.  While you can ask your Future Mother-In-Law to remind her to come to parties or buy her dress by such and such date – if she doesn’t want too or if the 23 year old doesn’t cooperate – that’s not FMIL’s responsibility. 

I’d stop expecting anything of the 23 year old and just proceed without her.  All she really owes you is to show up at the church on time for the ceremony.  Yes, it would be nice if she did the other stuff but you can’t make her and getting upset about it will only end up in your being upset.

Post # 9
850 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@bridetobe72013:  I think you should stop setting yourself up for disappointment. When it comes to the 23 year old, she has clearly demonstrated that she either a) can’t get herself together to attend b) doesn’t care about being involved or c) has something else going on that prevents her from getting involved. Extend invitations to future wedding-related events and continue to be nice to keep the peace. But if you just accept that you can’t expect anything from her, you’ll save yourself a lot of stress.

We can’t always expect people to be involved in their lives in the way, even when they are family. 

Post # 10
33 posts
  • Wedding: July 2013

We have the same date! Yay 🙂

As for you future SIL – yeah, just let her go. Hopefully she’ll show up to the wedding on time and ready and if she doesn’t, it’s a reflection on *her*, not you, not your Mother-In-Law, just her.

And when your future Mother-In-Law says she’s “not used to these things” just roll with it, smile, say you’re happy to have the chance to do it, whatever. Don’t engage with mean people, it’s really not worth it…

Post # 11
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@bridetobe72013:  I wouldn’t say much either…and I’d try really hard to ignore her “fancy” comments.

I heard “fancy” (not meant in a good way) over and over again from all my in laws.  I generally get along with them and love them, but I found this SUPER frustrating.  This was especially because they weren’t interested in any of the details, forgot plans constantly and had to be told the same things over and over again…only to hear “that’s really fancy” like every week.

The wedding came and I realised something: they were nervous. They weren’t sure what to do or how to act.  For some of them, it was the first wedding that wasn’t at the town community hall that they had attended in decades.  It was completely out of their comfort zone. People came inappropriately dressed (think jean suit at a cocktail party where some of our friends were in tuxes), some seemed nervous about the food, and it was awkward. This is what my Darling Husband and I were used too, given our friends weddings and my upbringing…but his family just isn’t used to that level of formality and it scared them; no one wants to look like an idiot.

Is it possible that your Mother-In-Law is actually really embarrassed that her daughter is treating stuff so casually and everyone feels like a fish out of water?  

Post # 13
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@bridetobe72013:  Definitely.  It’s really frustrating. 

The one thing that I wish I had done was confront it head on.  Maybe the next time your Mother-In-Law says “we’re not used to such a fancy wedding” you could say something like “Are you uncomfortable with what we’ve decided to do? Is there anything that I can do to make you more comfortable?” 

At least then you can say that you really tried.


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