(Closed) Future In-Law Woes.

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
3572 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I am so sorry you are going through all this.  Honestly, I think issues with in-laws only get worse after marraige.  You really do marry the whole family.   I think it’s good your Fiance stands up for you and has your back (although why didn’t he confront them on the vacation?)

I would think long and hard about whether this is a person you want to marry.  His mother would be the grandmother of your children.  Do you want to be upset by them for the rest of your life?  If you do want to marry your Fiance, I would consider cutting his family our of your lives.  

Post # 5
Member
3572 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I think some distance is a great idea.  We are about 40 minutes from my family, and 10 hours from my Darling Husband.  Let me tell you, it is a good thing!!!  

Post # 6
Member
1357 posts
Bumble bee

@bravery:  Oh. My. GOD. 

Especially this part:”I’m lucky he’s in the middle-east, and I’m in the U.S., because people like me would definitely get killed there.

First off, congrats for handling all this craziness which such class. I think you and your Fiance made the right choice each time.

I can only see two solutions a) they found out some deceitful information that you are secretly a lunatic killer of children (I hope there isn’t a criminal with the same name as you! lol), or b) they are totally out of their mind. 

Obviously, one of them came up with some crazy idea and others followed suit. It sounds like it may have been your Future Brother-In-Law or Future Sister-In-Law. You need to get to the bottom of this if you even want to have a relationship with them. You should definitely have a conversation with his mother alone. Tell her that the least she can do is tell you why you shouldn’t marry her son. If she acts cool about it, express the fact that you want to be on good terms with your Future Sister-In-Law and need to know if you did something to offend her. Try to get her to tell you what’s wrong. I would be wary of talking to your Future Sister-In-Law too much though, since her husband seems excessively agreesive and potentially dangerous. But his mother may have the power to smooth things over in her family.

If I were you, I would talk to her alone, without your Fiance. Maybe there’s something going on that she doesn’t want to tell him. Your Fiance should also have a separate, serious discussion with her. 

If all else fails, ignore them, and hope they don’t attend your wedding. If they do, be sure to find a “safe location” for you and your Fiance to hide out for a bit in case things get crazy. Once you are married, they will realise that they cannot have a relationship with your Fiance unless they accept you, and they may come around then. Until then, you don’t deserve to be treated like that. Unless there’s something you did (or there’s something they THOUGHT you did) to offend them, this is not for you to mend. 

 

Post # 7
Member
7651 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

He has suggested cutting off talking to them until they behave and you said NO? I think you are the crazy one here. Your Fiance is making a move to help support you, and you declined it. They aren’t just going to shut up and come to the wedding because that’s the way you want it. Obviously yelling at them or talking to them hasn’t helped. Perhaps it is time to take FI’s suggestion and cut them out for a while and let him deal with it in the meantime?

And if someone threatened me like your FSIL’s husband did, I can guarentee you he would be cut out for sure. That was absolutely uncalled for.

Post # 8
Member
7753 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@bravery:  Holy what? So you’ve got an email, in black and white, where Future Brother-In-Law has basically threatened to kill you?

Fiance needs to step up to the plate, and tell his sister and BIL that they are not invited to the wedding (and he will not attend their vow renewal or any other events they are at) until Future Brother-In-Law sends a full apology. And if the rest of his family doesn’t like it, forward the email to them. I see that Fiance is willing to do this sort of thing, you need to talk to him about doing it.

Death threats are never acceptable.

p.s. Future Mother-In-Law has at least offered a vague apology and I’d continue to be civil with her

Post # 9
Member
96 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Wow. No words for this one. I really don’t understand their behaviour.

If your husband-to-be has offered to cut them out temporarily, I’d take up on it. It sounds like some sort of “we are losing our son/brother to another woman” jealousy thing. I would get your husband to tell you FMIL/FSIL that he is only willing to be a part of their life if they treat you with respect.

Congrats on handling the Future Brother-In-Law letter with dignity. If that were me, I would have sent the letter to the military to report his threats, and to the police to take out a restraining order.

Post # 10
Member
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

Well, as I was reading, I thought, “Oh, this is WeddingBee run-of-the-mill crazy,” until I got to the veiled death threats. Nothing can excuse that, as the others have pointed out. But think hard – is there something, ANYTHING, you’ve done to offend these people? It seems very peculiar that they were kind and accepting, and then after the engagement, they went insane. Maybe they felt threatened for the first time; maybe the gravity of it began to sink in. It’s pathetic that grown women would feel threatened by their brother’s/son’s fiance, but crazier craziness has happened.

You’ve responded with tact to these things, but really, I don’t see any other way around it. Don’t see these people, talk to them, etc. – either of you. Let them know they’re not welcome at a wedding.

And vow RENEWAL? Oh Odin, give me a break. Weddings should trump those – every time. They had their wedding – it’s time to get over it and accept that other people are moving forward with their lives and having events. You were beyond gracious in trying to avoid stepping on their toes with the vow renewal ceremony, but unfortunately, you can’t negotiate with crazy. If you have contact with them again, I hope it’s to give them a polite “Go to Hell.”

Post # 11
Member
453 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@ Your last paragraph… I definitely understand how you feel. It would just be so simple for them to sit down, and have a civilized discussion. Because you are a civilized person, and you wouldn’t find it as difficult as they are. I’ve felt the same way about my Future Mother-In-Law, and even my own mother (who also has her problems).

The fact is, you can’t make them do anything, let alone act sane and rational. You can’t control who they are, but you can control how they affect you. If your Fiance is suggesting and okay with a cut-off until they behave, I would go along with it. It might feel bad, but you know what? It isn’t your fault. Ultimately, THEY are the ones who chose to act that way, THEY are the ones who brought this on themselves.

Frankly, these people are toxic. If they’re sending you veiled death threats, these are not people you need in your life or at the wedding. Why did they do this? I don’t know, but they did, and you can’t change that. All you can do now is protect yourself from them.

Also, definitely save anything you get from them (like FBIL’s letter). If you ever need to get a restraining order or take legal action because they become more aggressive, you want to have a nice history of documentation to back your story up.

Post # 12
Member
845 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@bravery:  Sorry for what you are going through. If I was ever in your situation I wish I could handle it with your class. Well done there.

If you are going to meet these crazy people and try and talk things over, do it in a public place and avoid eye-contact. I am joking…ish.

Post # 13
Member
1011 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@bravery:  *Hugs*

Apt name for you on here, considering the FIL’s! Honestly, putting distance between yourselves and his family is probably the most sensible thing to do at this rate, for now. Why not have him ASK his family outright, why exactly they started this smear campaign, and ask directly why they had no problem with you until you were engaged?

 

Because of this kind of behavior, you may want to consider a ‘destination wedding’ or eloping to avoid any potential drama at a wedding/reception. I know you wanted them present for the ceremony, but if they’re already starting this ‘we hate her’ business that is completely uncalled for, it’s not likely to improve by the wedding date. Good luck with the outcome, and keep us updated!

 

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