- 5 years ago
- Wedding: October 2013
My fiance and I have been together for a few years– and from the early start of our relationship, his entire family was so loving and accepting of me. He has 2 sisters and 1 mother, and has always been very, very close with them. That’s a quality in him that I recognized early on, and also a quality that I admired, as I’m also close with my family. His family was very accepting, warm, and loving to us as a couple, and full-heartedly supported our decision to move in together after a couple years of monogamous dating. (to be clear: I mean that they all were incredibly emotionally supportive, as we’ve both been financially independent for many years.)
And that was all awesome.
Then, after a year of living together happily, my fiance wanted to propose to me (unbeknownst to me at the time, obv), and he asked his sisters and mother for advice. They all agreed with that decision, so much so that his mother gave him an hierloom family ring to propose with. Being the pragmatic and patient man that he, my fiance actually held the ring for 6 months before proposing, waiting for the perfect setting. His whole family was aware of this, and knew a proposal was coming, and from what I’ve been told, they all supported his decision to propose to me. He did. I said yes. It was a very happy day.
Again, this was all great stuff.
Then a flip switched somewhere. As soon as we were engaged, his mother and sisters launched this psychotic vendetta against me. We decided to have a year and a half long engagement, and then get married. As soon as we began planning the wedding, they all started acting increasingly irrational.
First, while we were on a family vacation, his mom and sisters were loudly discussing my faults, as they viewed them, and unfortunately it was all within earshot of myself and fiance. I didn’t say anything, because I don’t like emotional confrontations. This continued throughout the week-long vacation.
Then, back in NYC, we set a firm date, and send out word of it to our immediate families, to ensure that there is so no major conflicts. Everyone says it’s a good date for their schedules. So we order our Save The Date’s…. A few days later, his elder sister called and said that, while she had originally been planning her vow renewal to her husband 2 YEARS AFTER our wedding, and in a different season, she has decided to move it up to 1-2 months BEFORE our wedding.
That’s less than awesome, but I don’t really care that much.
My mother suggested that I reach out to her about coordinating minor details between the two ceremonies; i.e. making sure we choose different colors for the bridesmaid’s dresses, different flowers, etc. I send her a paragraph email asking if we could get together to discuss those exact things, limited exclusively to wedding color details.
She doesn’t respond, but rather has her husband, who lives overseas most of the year, send a very emotional email to me and my fiance that didn’t address any wedding details. Instead, the email rambled on topics varying from how I’m a liberal (and that’s a bad thing?), how I’m a failure (hello? his wife, FH’s sister dropped out of school and is pretty much the working definition of a “failure”), how I’ll never be considered family to them, how I’m ruining my fiance’s life, how I have a personality comparable to a serial killer (and he listed several serial killers), how he will inevitably convince my FH against marrying me, and my personal favorite, a vague threat that “I’m lucky he’s in the middle-east, and I’m in the U.S., because people like me would definitely get killed there.”
And my future-sister-in-law’s husband is by no means bright, has a history of domestic violence, and his email was representation of this, but geez– I’ve only met the guy like twice? It was pretty nuts.
So, my fiance and I write a brief response that basically said “Well, those are hurtful things to say. And it seems non-responsive to an email that was limited to flower-choice, and dress-colors. We sorry you feel that way, whenever you come around we’ll be waiting to love you, because that’s just who we are.”
And he sends more crazy, rambling hateful responses, that we read, but refrain from responding. Because you can’t argue with crazy, right? Then his sister, married to this guy, starts calling my FH and trying to convince him not to marry me. Needless to say, my FH gets frustrated, asks her not to offer unsolicited advice. She continues witht he emotional pleas. And my FH just stops taking her calls, because it’s all so ridiculous.
So then his mother, my future mother-in-law, jumps on board and starts calling him and pointedly makes pleas to not get married. She even surprises him one day at work, takes him out to lunch, and then was so blunt about her disapproval of the wedding, that he got up and left her at the restaurant.
Naturally, we decide to spend Thanksgiving with ny family, as they are generally supportive, loving, and not crazy.
But we do commit to Christmas at his mother’s house; a big mistake. His mother gets drunk, confronts FH about why he isn’t taking her son-ln-law and her own advice. She verbally insults my parents for being so supportive of our union (OF ALL THINGS?! lol) She also states that she wants nothing to do with the wedding– which she already wasn’t planning or funding in any remote sense. Side note: I tried to include her in wedding planning as much she wanted. But she was super rude to my mother, and myself, when we toured the church, reception venue, and picked out Save The Date’s. Personally, I refuse to have hot conversations with drunk people, so I left my FH handle it and hopped an early train back home.
Since then she has kiiiind of apologized here and there for her rudeness, but only to her son. And his elder sister sent out her Save The Date’s for vow renewal, and didn’t invite me. Two weeks after sending them out, she called my FH to say “She really feels like I should attend her ceremony”… but she doesn’t tell this to me. And honestly, after all this drama (they are from NJ, though!) I don’t really want a whole lot to do with his mother and sisters.
My FH has been supportive of me this whole time, and has ‘had my back’, so to say… He suggested numerous solutions, from yelling at them, to just them cutting them out of his life until they can behave. But ultimately, I don’t want any of these things, I just want them to be able to attend our ceremony and be quiet.
I don’t know what to do. I feel capable of sitting them down individually, and conversing about their new-found issues with our union, but communication doesn’t seem to be their strong suit. How can I get them to stop acting crazy and be sane? And why did this all start after we got engaged, if they supported him in proposing?