(Closed) Future In Laws Attack! *LONG*

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Wow. It sounds like they are out to get you, big time. What was your Fiance saying during all of this? Was he sticking up for you? What does he say about their attitudes?

Post # 4
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

I think you and your FH need to get into counseling stat to figure out how to deal with this. Do you have a spiritual advisor? Someone his family respects that they might listen to? Figure out how to present a united front and then move forward.

You also need to really hash this out with your FH, hopefully in counseling. Why did he let them speak to you that way? Did he agree that you should apologize if they wont give you the same courtesy?

And for you, a lesson learned here: dont lie. These are obviously some strong minded people and you are going to have to learn how to handle them. I would suggest some assertiveness classes (seriously. You are too nice. I would have absolutely said no to a flower girl dress I didn’t like. There’s always way to respectfully disagree with people, in any situation).

Post # 5
Member
2856 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I will keep this short and sweet. It is unfortunate that you have to start a marriage this way but YES it will survive. One of the things my Mother has told me is that you are marrying your Fiance and not his family. Most families have some kind of drama you just can’t let it effect your relationship with your Fiance. My parents are married 28 years and counting and both of their families had issues with them marrying each other. To this day my Mom sometimes doesn’t get the respect she deserves from my Dad’s family. It’s going to be hard at first but "brush it all off"! Take care of you and your family that you have just created!

It will all work out in the end. Good luck and keep your head up!

Post # 6
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

That’s really tough – I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this! 🙁

When it comes to family and drama, I don’t know if there’s a lot to you can do other than be the bigger person.  Maybe their insecurities have been triggered by having someone new come into the family, and they are lashing out at you?

Whether or not that’s true, I would just repeat that to myself over and over… that they are not themselves, and are acting out because of insecurity/jealousy/temporary-insanity.  That way, someday when they come around…  the path is open to moving past this.

Good luck!!

Post # 7
Member
349 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009 - Rancho Bernardo Inn

First of all, I am so sorry.  That sounds miserable and I can’t imagine how it must feel to not only be attacked but have your character be questioned or I guess more accused.  Stealing? What? That doesn’t even make sense.  What is your Fiance saying about the situation?

I’ve been having some in law issues as well lately, and it just sucks.  All I can say is that you are marrying your Fiance, not the family.  It is so important especially in light of the situation to create boundaries.  You two are getting married and they need accept that.  They don’t get to choose him and ignore/attack you.   I’d say communicate how you are feeling to your Fiance and see where he is at.  But remember if you need to vent it may be better to do it hear or with a friend.  It still is his family and he may get defensive.  I’ve learned to voice what my concern and feelings are, but if I really need to just talk I have a few girlfriend that I really trust with what is going on.  Also, I’m not sure if this is an option but maybe seeing a counselor can help.  We are doing premarital counseling and it is kind of nice to have another perspective.

Post # 8
Member
1091 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Oakland Manor

I don’t have anything else to add to what others have already said, encourage counseling, etc.  I can only say I’m so sorry yo’re going thruogh this. 🙁

Post # 9
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I think they’ll come around eventually. For now, have you tried just going out with the sisters? Having everyone there could be an issue. I think if you show the sisters how much you truly do care about your Fiance and how you’d go to the ends of the earth for him, they’ll come around. I know if I didn’t like my brother’s Fiance and she sat me down and said, don’t worry, I’ll take good care of him, my feelings would change.

All I know is I couldn’t stand to be standing up there with them knowing they didn’t like me. 

Good luck and big HUGS from the bees! 

Post # 10
Member
228 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Wow, I am sorry that you are going through this. It does sound like these women in his family are strong minded, dominant, and obviously are taking that one situation at the dress shop and using that as the catalyst for all their other uncertainties about the wedding. It is funny they want honesty but can’t handle it, especially when they don’t get their way, they get pissed and try to get everyone against you, even his mom! They sound very immature on top of all this. Like another poster said you and fiance need to have an united front and understanding about this whole situation and you are marrying him not his family. I don’t come from the greatest family and my fiance wouldn’t let that get in the way of our wedding or future, because his family members are not getting married, you and your fiance are, and if that means your wedding is 4 people or 200 people family or not I would get married to my man. Don’t let their drama get in the way of your love and marriage for you fiance, then they would just get their way. 

Post # 11
Member
278 posts
Helper bee

I’m sorry this happened right before your wedding…

but with time, I think they will realize how immature they handled this situation.  You’ve been graceful so far, I don’t think you need to try any harder.  I think you can one day win over them with your kindness and love for your Fiance.

Post # 12
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee

I think the key is how your fiance is reacting to all this.  You mentioned he didn’t want his sister in your wedding, so it sounds like he’s standing up for you.  If he’s taking your side and seeing through his family’s manipulation, then you can definitely get through this.  If he’s constantly caving to them, it will be a lot more difficult, though certainly not impossible.

The people in your wedding are those people who are SUPPORTING you in your marriage.  These family members certainly don’t fit the bill.  It sounds like they are using your wedding as their opportunity to put on a show, and you’ll be the one who spends the day worried/sad/angry.

Your fiance needs to, at the very least, have a very strong talk with them about how off-base and inappropriate this all is.  Unfortuantely, it’s not going to change anyone’s mind, but it shows them that the two of you are not going to spend your lives putting up with this.  Your fiance needs to do this alone, because 1) they need to know that this is coming from HIM, that HE finds this unacceptable and 2) if you talk to them about it, they’re just going to use it as an oppportunity to confirm their ideas about you or create whole new complaints about you.

Post # 13
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

Ummm.. I’m going to have to disagree with some of you.  It is not just as easy as saying "you are marrying him, not his family."  I don’t think this is true at all.  Unless you live VERY far from his family, that attitude will not be productive. It seems like he and his family were close before all of this mess occurred.  While it is true that your ultimate devotion is to each other once you are married – you do have to learn to deal with his family (which honestly sounds like they’re a little crazy).

So, I’m not saying you are wrong for feeling the way you do.  I would be outraged if I were you!  I agree that they really don’t have a place in your wedding party if they feel like you stole from them! I just think you need to continue to communicate with your fiance about any issues that continue to come up, because that is his family.  Hopefully the two of you can figure out how to be supportive of each other without completely disrespecting his family (even if they are disrespecting you).

And…it is important for your fiance to stick up for you when appropriate.  Not sure if he was supportive in your last family meeting, but hopefully he won’t let you sit through long bash-sessions with his family.  There comes a point where he should respectfully end the conversation and get the both of you out of there.

Good luck!

Post # 14
Member
267 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010 - Jewel Box in Forest Park and Windows on Washington

Yikes!  I think the best thing would be for you and the Fiance to attend counseling together.  That would be the best place to start.  Even though there may not be any issue between you and the Fiance, it would give you two a neutral ground to talk about what is going on.

Post # 15
Member
214 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

SO sorry to hear that you have to deal with this. Considering how likeable his family seemed at first, this must be especially hard to wrap your head around!

I have to echo the other posters who asked how your fiance is responding to this. It sounds like he had your back when it came to Future Sister-In-Law #1 which is very encouraging. Was he present at the second meeting and, if so, how did he respond to his family’s accusations?

Like Mr. Bee suggested, you have to remind yourself that this behavior is rooted in THEIR issues and insecurities. THEY are the ones who are creating the tension and drama, not you. You definitely don’t deserve to be treated this way and I hope your Fiance supports you and backs you up throughout all of this!

The topic ‘Future In Laws Attack! *LONG*’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors