Post # 1
I’m dealing with some awful issues with my future in-laws. I have been with my fiancee for five years and got engaged in 2015. In my early 20s, I had addiction issues and went to rehab and then had relapse later on during the second year of my relationship with my fiancee. I went to rehab again and go to NA meetings regularly. I’ve been clean and sober for three years now. I work as a land surveyor and have been doing well in that field.
I completely understand that parents want their best for their children. But, my fiancee’s parents treat me like crap due to my past addiction issues and the fact that they don’t think that I make enough to take care of their daughter. My fiancee also works and has no intention of ever staying home after we have kids. My fiancee has gotten into a couple of spats with her parents over me and she is trying to defend me, but it’s hard because she also feels like she is disrespecting them. I’m at the point where i don’t want to really spend time with them. With the holidays coming up, I’m considering going on a out of state ski trip just to avoid having to spend time with my future wife’s parents. She is also a daddy’s girl which I’m starting to hate because I fear he will try to control her after we marry. I’m not sure how to go about this moving forward.
Post # 2
I think you have to sit down and ask her what she wants and what she expects. No one can force you to have a relationship with her family. You under no means need to be around them when they clearly disrespect you and your relationship. She can visit her family alone and still have relationships. She needs to set the boundary though that she will not accept disrespect (hearing them bad mouth you or so on).
However, if she is someone too tightly attached to them and had expectations of you needing to be in their presence even while disrespected then you both need to consider if this is the right relationship. If she’s not ready to standup to her family’s manipulations and fully expects you to go along then you both aren’t going to be on a healthy page.
Likewise, if you do have children…how are you going to handle them disrespecting you in front on them even if you aren’t there to hear/see it. How are you going to explain to them why dad can’t come to grandparent’s house? If they’re terrible to you, what kind of influence will they be to the children? What level of respect does it teach them that their father can be treated badly and they still get to be entitled to seeing them? That is a major issue and something that needs to be understood and discussed if you plan to start a family.
So, really this comes down to how you both feel and can see eye to eye. Sit down with her and discuss it.
Ive always had an unhealthy family dynamic but the disrespect from my family aimed at my husband, his family, and marriage ultimately was the last straw for me. I chose respect for my husband, myself, my inlaws, any future children, and my marriage. I’m estranged from my family because there were no boundaries being respected at the end of the day.
Post # 3
tcmics : Aw, that’s rough. I don’t have any real world experience with this, but I know a lot of women on here do. They will tell you that your wife/FI should absolutely have your back. Have you talked to her about that? Like had a good, calm sit down chat? And I truly believe you don’t just marry the woman, you marry the family. BUT some people on here have also cut ties with relatives if need be. Have you ever sat down with them to talk it out? Let them know it hurts your feelings etc?
Post # 4
If your future in laws treat you poorly, you are more than justified in refusing to spend time with them and exposing yourself to mistreatment. Much as your fiancée may hate it, she does need to pick a side. Meaning, she needs to keep defending you and telling them to stop – I fail to see how refusing to allow her parents to disrespect her future husband is disrespecting the parents. And if she is not able to consistently be on your side, I don’t see how a marriage can work.
Post # 5
I also think you should have a serious conversation with your Fiance and ask her how she really feels about all this. Then, perhaps it is also time to start opening up to the possibility that this relationship might not work as a marriage. I don’t say this to be mean, but if she values her family as much as she seems to do, and if her family has failed to see that you are good for her (of, if you have failed to show them that -I am wondering if you have ever had a one-on-one chat with his dad, or an open-heart discussion with her mother) then…I really think you’d be better without each other. Otherwise, I am pretty sure she will always feel like she was “forced to choose a side”, and probably blame both you and her parents for it (maybe even more you, if she chooses you).
Post # 6
RedHeadKel : I don’t want her to cut ties with her parents, despite what they have put me through. They are her parents and I understand that they love and care about her even though they are going about me the wrong way. I also understand that they might fear that I relapse again. I’m just hoping they will give me a chance.
Post # 7
tcmics : She doesn’t have to cut ties with her parents. She merely has to set consistent boundaries with them that puts the ball firmly in their court. She also has to recognize the difference between ‘disrespect’ and ‘not seeking approval.’
Her time, attention and affection are the leverage here. If her parents can’t be civil to you in person, or refrain from badmouthing you to her in private, or whatever other issues, then their access to her time/attention/affection will be limited accordingly. She needs to be upfront about it and not passive aggressive. “Mom and Dad, I love you but tcmics is my spouse. I’m not interested in spending time with you if you’re going to treat him like this. I consider the discussion closed.” Hang up the phone or leave the room if they don’t correct their behavior. Rinse and repeat.
‘Be respectful of my partner and my desire to be with them’ is not an unreasonable expectation or a high hurdle in this case. If they can’t manage it, then they’ve made the decision about the kind of relationship they will have with their daughter.
Post # 8
funnyfox : “if her family has failed to see that you are good for her (of, if you have failed to show them that -I am wondering if you have ever had a one-on-one chat with his dad, or an open-heart discussion with her mother) then…I really think you’d be better without each other.”
I haven’t failed to show them I’m good for her. I’ve shown them the chips I’ve gotten from my NA group, letters from drug rehab counselors and even a testimonial from my GP that says that I’ve been clean since rehab three years ago. ii’VE had numerous conversations with her parents stating that I intend to stay clean and not relapse. They don’t want to trust me or give me a chance.
<div style=”overflow: hidden; color: #000000; background-color: #ffffff; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;”> </div>
Post # 9
I stayed with my partner when he didn’t stick up for me when his family were bad mouthing me and honestly I think this will continue to be an issue unless your fiancée makes a decision. Please don’t do what I did and inadvertently make her choose a side. She’s showing you with her actions what she isn’t saying out loud. I guess it depends on whether you can have a life where you keep feeling inferior. It’s not a life I would choose for myself now.
Post # 10
tcmics : I think you need to see things from their end, and right now you’re not. You said you already relapsed once, and I am sure they probably either saw it or heard about it. Now that’s not to say they should never give you another chance (BTW, awesome job on your recovery) but seeing that it’s happened once, I am sure it’s always going to be at the back of their mind. What if your own daughter was dating a former addict? How would you feel? Would you be leary?
Now, if her family is being disrespectful over your job and not being able to provide, well, I can see that too. Did you go through job troubles when you had your addiction? Maybe they could be reacting to that too.
That being said, it sounds like you have come a long way and should not necessarily have to “prove” yourself to them. It’s one thing if they’re nervous and another if they’re being downright rude (I cannot tell from your post which it is). It may have to come down to her choosing, and that’s an awful position to be in.
I was in a relationship where my boyfriend’s mom was putting a lot of insecurities into her son’s head because she was threatened by his closeness to me. She would say things like I’m going to break up with him for someone that made more money, or that he would never be able to please me because I’m a princess. He could not choose me over his mom so after a lot of turmoil, I had to end the relationship. I was not about to subject my life to that crap. I think you also need to decide if this relationship is worth it.
Post # 11
sunnierdaysahead2 : No, I didn’t have job troubles during my addiction. I’ve tried seeing things from their end, but I think they worry too much about another relapse and at times it bothers me more that they feel that I don’t make the kind of money they want me to.
Post # 12
tcmics : If it’s more about your job, then I don’t think you’ll ever make then happy. Are they affluent? If they are, then I could see this being a problem , especially if your Fiance is a daddy’s girl and her father is expecting you to provide for her. My parents can sometimea be a bit snobish too but they would never be outright rude to a guy that I was dating , especially if I told them that this was the guy I was choosing to be my husband.
Again, your Fiance needs to stand up for you.
Post # 13
sunnierdaysahead2 : Her father is dentist and her mother is a retired nurse. The thing is that my fiancee plans to always work and she isn’t in to have a very expensive lifestyle.
Post # 14
I haven’t read all the replies yet, but: Does your fiancée think you’re good enough for her? Then that’s all that matters.
Sometimes you can’t change people’s perception of you. If it’s been years, and they haven’t warned up to you, there’s a point where you need to try and let it go.
Limit contact with them, don’t visit if they make you feel unwelcome, and try to put them out of your head. Talk to your fiancée about setting boundaries, and ask her if she’d be willing to stand up for you or ask her parents to back off. If they’re disrespecting you, she needs to have your back. I’m not saying she could cut ties with them, but saying, “don’t disrespect my fiancé,” isn’t alright. If they can’t respect her relationship, assuming it’s healthy and normal, they are the ones in the wrong, and if that negatively effects their relationship with their daughter, they’re the ones who made that choice
Your fiancée loves you, and she wants to marry you, and she thinks you’re worth it. Focus on that. That’s what’s important.
And for the record? I’m very proud of you for overcoming this. My brother struggled with alcoholism for years, and I know how tough it can be. You did something amazing.
Post # 15
Well first up, well done you for the hard and successful journey you are on .
I tend to agree with pps in that the issue is primarily your fiancées to deal with . I am assuming they don’t say negative and critical things to your face ? You are hearing about it from her, right? Perhaps you can gently find out what it is she says and does when they do this , if anything. She may be grateful for a phrase or two to deflect . It must be very hard for her if she is a daddy’s girl as you say , but ultimately for both your sakes she has to have your back
Also, I don’t know how useful it is for your case to keep stressing that your fiancée is intending to work if and when babies come. Her parents may well see that as a negative rather than a sign of independence on her part , and may well be thinking “but what if she changes her mind (it does happen) and wants to be a SAHM”, can OP cope with that financially etc ” .