(Closed) Controlling FMIL

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
1838 posts
Buzzing bee

You’re not a team. You don’t have a great, healthy relationship. He’s a momma’s boy, and that’s it. Nothing will change until he changes, and he doesn’t have much of a reason to change right now.

It doesn’t matter what you do to make this relationship work, because it’s not about you. It’s all about him and his relationship with his mother, and what he does to change it or get away from it.

Break up with him. Do it sooner rather than later. If you want to see what your future looks like, just read what you wrote about your boyfriend’s brother and his wife. 

Post # 3
Member
7800 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Yeah, you guys need to get on the same page. If he is constantly caving to his mom you are NEVER going to be his priority. 

That said, I agree with him – just stop texting her. His family, his problem. If he refuses to deal with it, then you have your answer. I don’t think you have to break up with him as a PP said – mommas boys CAN be reformed, but he has to want it. 

I would have a frank conversation with him. It hurts my feelings when …[you don’t stand up for me/us/our relationship to your mom]. I feel like …[I’m not a priority/not worth it/you’re not fully committed] etc etc. 

Post # 4
Member
515 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
maria9615 :  I am so sorry & 6you’re absolutely in the right. You guys need to be on the same team though & he needs to learn to stand up for himself. 

Post # 5
Member
644 posts
Busy bee

Unless your boyfriend is prepared to cut his mother out of his life if she cannot learn to respect his and your boundaries, the two of you are not a team.  She has gotten away with controlling him for far too long, and she knows he won’t fight her.  Until he pushes back, and hard, your marriage will be to both your FH and your Future Mother-In-Law.  

The appropriate response at Christmas would have been for HIM to step out, call or text his mother, and tell her he would see her at 5pm as planned.  That should have been it.  He shouldn’t have been stressed, and you shouldn’t have been involved.  As for patching things up, he should be the one telling her she’s acting like a child.  It was nice of you to extend the olive branch, but your FH should be telling his mother, “You will make this up to my future wife, or you will not be a part of our lives going forward until you do.” 

The man needs to grow a pair.  Being someone’s mother doesn’t give you an excuse to act like a b!tch. 

Post # 6
Member
8019 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Sorry, Bee. Can you give us any examples of times he’s put you and your happiness first? Because right now it sounds as if his mother has an iron grip on him while yours is much more fragile. This is as much (if not more) a BF problem than it is a Future Mother-In-Law problem. 

Post # 8
Member
1036 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

I don’t see this ending well. All the second option is going to do is turn you into the eternal bad guy with his family. It should be him dealing with her when anything happens. And he needs to set up consequences for her when she acts out. For example, “Until you apologize to maria you will not be hearing from me” or “Unless you can learn to act like an adult and understand that we have other obligations on holidays, we will not be spending holidays with you.” Unless he does that, this is never going to get ok.

Post # 9
Member
1424 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

View original reply
maria9615 :  nope nope nope. Bye boy. Bye. Not worth the stress. Bye!

Post # 11
Member
1036 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

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maria9615 :  Um, can you say toxic??

Post # 12
Member
10284 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

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maria9615 :  oh, bee. You’re in for a long road. Has he been to therapy? 

Post # 13
Member
7800 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Lol girl, he just placated you. 

And sorry, but bringing you candy once in a while does not equal putting your needs first. 

Your options aren’t great, and besides the first one will just create resentment in ALL parties involved. That isn’t a long term solution.

Post # 14
Member
9436 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

Being a mama’s boy is a dealbreaker for me. I want to be with a man, not a boy who can’t stand up to mommy.

If you do stay I would not be sending out any more olive branches. Let her pitch a fit if she wants. I’d go as minimal contact with her as possible.

Post # 15
Member
4725 posts
Honey bee

Girl, you need to get yourself over to DWIL Nation stat. Otherwise, this is going to end with her bursting into the delivery room and holding your baby first. 

He does not get it. He is making you the bad guy. Do not agree to this sit down. He needs to grow a pair and handle her himself. 

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