- 4 years ago
Sorrry in advance for this LONG story. BF and I have been together 2.5 years, live together for 1.5 years and have known each other since we were kids.
Ill start this by saying I knew what I was getting into with mother. She’s not very well liked by most people, and was the main cause of his brothers divorce after less than 2 years. I thought knowing how she was prior to us dating would help. That she knew me, and I knew her and her issues and it would be fine. BOY was I wrong.
Shes VERY controlling and constantly butting in. My bf is a self proclaimed mamas boy. While I’ve always had issues with her interference, I kept quiet. Even when I found out she was saying horrible things about me and when she straight up told my boyfriend she doesn’t like me because I spend more time with my own mother than her when we come home to visit (seriously!!!) and that we should just stay with her, not my family. (Mentioning she’s not lonely, she still has 2 kids at home, plus a husband, she also had a daughter who lives closer than we do.) I kept my mouth shut, because I love my bf, and I didn’t want to add stress on him. She does that enough.
Breaking point was Christmas. (Note this is our 3rd holiday together) my family (immediate plus extended) has big parties. His family doesn’t do anything. His mother said her only request was we go to church with them Christmas Eve and we open presents Christmas Day. Ok, I can compromise on that. Was my family pleased we missed half of Christmas Eve, as well as didn’t go to church with them? No, but the respect is as adults and realize we have to be multiple places. Bf and I get in a fight over Christmas Eve (i wanted to spend Christmas even with my family, and Christmas Day with his, but mommy wasn’t budging) but we compromise and make it work. I told him right then and there that I would not be leaving my grandparents a second before I was ready Christmas Day. He agreed. We met his family at mass and they all snubbed me. (He swears his mother waved hi, but I know he was just saving face. I let it go.) Christmas Day was going fine. We were at his parents to open presents, and told his mother our plans for the day. We were heading to my grandparents for formal dinner at 1pm, then swing by his aunts around 5pm to visit. She said ok. Again, things are fine.
I’m not even kidding you, it wasn’t even 2pm yet, we’re sitting at my grandparents dinner table, surrounded by my entire family, and she starts texting him, demanding we leave and go to her now to visit his aunt “or else.” Then each of his siblings text him. Then his aunt. I kid you not, he looked like he was going to have a heart attack from the stress they put on him. Now I’m a grown adult, and I had a few glasses of wine with dinner. When he asked me to leave because of his mother, I finally snapped. We fought in front of my entire family. (I thought it was quiet, but apparently it was noticed, to the point my aunt text me later in the evening to make sure we were ok. I should point out my entire family loves my bf and has made him 100% feel part of the family.) so I picked up my phone, this is the copy and paste of the text I sent his mother -> “We told you 5 o’clock and I do not appreciate you putting both BF and I in this situation especially on a holiday.”
Radio silence. Dinner ended up ending early, and we got to his aunts around 4:30. It was incredibly awkward in the fact the text I sent went unacknolweded. BF and I talked and I told him I would not stand for the disrespect shown to us as a couple. When we set plans, we should be respected. End of story. He swore he would talk to his mother. The next day when we were heading back home, his mother stayed in her house and would not come say goodbye to me. Whatever. BF said they spoke and everything was fine.
Fast forward to the last few days. You can tell the family tension has been taking a toll on my boyfriend. So I talked with my best friend who has in law issues, and she helped me put together a text to send to his mother. An olive branch to end the tension, despite the fact that I did NOTHING wrong. This is what I sent. “hey, I know there has been tension between us since Christmas and I’d like to work it out. Maybe we could talk some time? I just want you to know how much I love your son, and there’s nothing in the world I want more than to marry him, and have your blessing, and for us to all be a happy family. ”
After I sent it, I gave my BF the heads up. I wanted him to know I had done it because I didn’t want stress on him. And I also wanted it to be known I did it from my own heart, as I knew she would run back to him. I even sent him a screenshot so he could read what I said. He was very happy. He asked what she said. I told him the truth, no responce yet. Welp, hours went by. She never answered me. Bf and I finally spoke about it before bed. He said he appreciated what I did, and he was proud of me because it took guts, but he really wished I spoke to him first because “his mom is dealing with a lot with all this tension.” WHAT. I send something nice, out of the goodness of my heart only wanting the best for my BF, and somehow I’m STILL the bad guy. He in turn did tell me he knows I’m trying, and I’ve done all I can to make peace. And it’s going to be hard but we’re going to face the family issues together. And he promised if his mom ever tried to interfere with our plans again like he did on Christmas, he would stop it. But I still get the vibe he puts her first. He was more bothered by her upset than me. And that really hurts me. We’re supposed to be a team, and I feel like I will always be second rate to his family. I’m not sure what to do/how to approach this. Despite the mama drama, we have a great, heathy relationship.
Please, any advice, or how you yourself worked through a similar situation would be greatly appreciated!!!
Thanks for reading my novel of a rambley post 😂