Controlling FMIL

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 62
2 posts

Your Boyfriend or Best Friend has spelled it out for you but it seems like you a packaging it up for yourself to be/look differently because you are in love with him. Totally understandable and I’ve been there, too. The bottom line is that his mother/parents are THE most imporant people in his life and that won’t change not matter what you do. The only thing he’s trying to figure out is how to manage/handle you within that situation. I’m not saying you’re not important to him but I am saying that clearly you aren’t AS important to him as they are. If you are wanting to get married, you both have to leave your parents and bond with each other. As a married couple you are supposed to be the two most important people to the world to each other and you make your OWN family with each other and any future children, if any. That’s not to say your family can’t be important to you anymore but it does mean the dynamic changes. Ideally, your families should support that so you can have a successful marriage – not undermind it. But, it’s not a perfect world so at the very least you should both be on the same page and willing to do what it takes to put one another first. It’s nice that he wants to respect his parents, but respect and obedience are two different things. When you are an adult you are no longer under ANY obligation to your parents to obey them. That season of life is OVER. In your case, his mother WILL NOT stand for things changing and she WILL NOT give her son the space he needs to be a man and the head of his own household. Honestly, if he doesn’t see it as an insult to HIM that she isn’t willing to treat him like a MAN then that’s a huge problem that CAN’T BE FIXED. He’s already said he doesn’t care how his parents treat him so that tells you everything. And based on what you’ve described he doesn’t REALLY care how they treat you, either. He knows you’re tough and strong so he will throw you under the bus every time because, in his mind, better you than his mom. You can handle it – she can’t. It will always be Mommy First in his mind unless HE changes HIS perspective. He isn’t handling anything so don’t lie to yourself and say he is. He turns into a mess when he feels pressure and then you come to his rescue (like a 2nd mommy) by taking charge, being the bad guy and taking the heat off of him. And I imagine you do that because you can’t stand to see him stressed and it stresses you out. But again, where is he putting you first? Where is his action in this? Talk is cheap. He can say whatever he wants and assure you of everything under the sun, but his actions are the true measure of a man. I would say after the Christmas incident he should be making MAJOR strides…like lightyears. If he’s not, then it would be better for you to walk away because YOU can’t fix this and you will do damage to yourself trying.

On the other hand, if he sees you as a mommy figure and he needs that to function, and you have injured bird syndrome (the need to protect and nurture someone who is broken or that you feel is in need of a little help or “push” to reach their full potential) then this is a whole other situation and will be a vicious cycle that probably won’t be broken until you reach a major crisis point. Might be worth exploring in therapy…

But truly, good luck. I know where you are and it isn’t easy.

Post # 63
5 posts

Was this cross posted to Reddit?  

Also you don’t have a Mother-In-Law problem.  The Mother-In-Law can fuck off because guess what, you’re both ADULTS!  This is a purely SO problem since he refuses to grow out of having the non-existent sun shine out of his mother’s arse, ESPECIALLY after seeing what his mother did to his older brother’s marriage. 

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