(Closed) future in-laws…..

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
223 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I think it is NOT OKAY that he told you he’d choose his parents over you. As much as everyone thinks a marriage is between 2 people, it isn’t.  I mean, of course, it kinda SHOULD be, but it almost never works out that way. Finding a balance between parents/in-laws and FH is tough…and likely something most people will have to do throughout their marriage. I look at it as kind of a “choose your battles” thing. 

For instance, if he has a very tight-knit family, then you’re going to have to compromise on some things–weekly visits, gatherings, etc. Sometimes you give in to things aren’t that big of a deal in the long run (like Mother-In-Law stopping by) and other times you’re gonna have to stick to your guns (if they interfere with husband/wife decisions like kids or buying a home, or planning a wedding).  Yes. I said planning a wedding. I don’t think they have a right to criticize your decisions (especially since you are not asking for their help with paying for it). I think the first thing you need to address is your FI’s comment about choosing sides.  Personally, Fiance and I have a pact–that we always back each other or at least stick up for one another when it comes to other people. Reassure him that you love him and respect how close he is to his family, but you guys need to be a TEAM….whether it’s wedding planning, parenting, or buying a house. Clarify that you were not looking for him to choose sides–you just wanted to make sure he supported the decision that you both made (venue, photog, etc).

Post # 4
1315 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Oh you poor divil. I agree with Okole, the biggest single issue here is him saying that to you. My FFILs are amazing, thankfully, but Fiance always says that he would always choose me, if there were a need to take sides, because he’s choosing to marry me, and if his family were to get pushy with stuff he wouldn’t stand for it.

However, it’s prob easy for him to say that, it’s an opinion and has never been put to the test.

Difficult in-law relationships are a fact of so many marriages, but it must be terrible if you’re on your own fighting the whole lot of them.

You’re right, tho… if they feel comfortable butting in now, they’ll obv really weigh in on actual important stuff (*) like child rearing, and TBH you really need to consider your options here. My Fiance has four sisters, all very opinionated, and he’s the first to tell them piss off if they’re getting annoying. If your man won’t stand by you on wedding decisions, I’d be worried.

Alternatively, is it possible one of his brothers/friends is having a “choose” situation right now, and when you opened your conversation, he totally misread where you were going with it?

(*) Didn’t mean to suggest wedding planning decisions are unimportant: just weighing them against bigger life stuff.

Best of luck, whatever you decide to do.

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