(Closed) Future MIL adding to guest list after STDs made! Ugh! Advice please!

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
3169 posts
Sugar bee

Please take my advice – I am in a similar position in that I wanted 50 – 60. “Compromised” and settled on 80 (more of FIs family and friends) and had the same last minute input from Mother-In-Law. DO NOT DO IT! I let them add 7 odd people because I stupidly listened to them saying “not everyone will come”. Lo and behold, we don’t think we will have any declines. I really regret being a people pleaser and listening to everyone who told me it was only a few more people and not to worry because at the end of the day, it’s not the wedding I wanted

You are the bride. This is your and FIs day to celebrate with people you love and who support you. You have already been fair in compromising IMO. Your Mother-In-Law is not contributing to your overall wedding (except an offer to pay for the plates so she can get her way). Your Fiance needs to go back to her and say “Sadly we are not able to accomodate any more additional guests and will be sticking with the list we all agreed earlier”

Post # 3
Member
341 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

If it’s only 7 people and she is paying for them, I don’t see why this would be an issue.  It wouldn’t be a big enough deal to me to cause a potential stir with my in laws. 

Post # 4
Member
1746 posts
Bumble bee

I get that you’ve already compromised and are having a larger wedding than you want.  You know your Mother-In-Law.  Is she likely to be really upset if you say no?  Is it likely to sour her heretofore good relationship with you?  Is the difference between 58 and 65 really that significant when she’s paying?  I don’t know the answers for you, but for me to start the in-law relationship as positively as possible I’d be likely to say, “I started wanting a guest list of 30.  I’ve compromised to now 58 and am willing to add these 7 (to 65) but no more than that.”  

ETA:  From her point of view you did offer to add invites not long ago. I know you were holding your breath and celebrating when she said no, but she doesn’t know that and will likely be confused that you recently made an offer you’re now recinding.

 

Post # 5
Member
11531 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

the, I think OP offered the extra invited BEFORE the Save-The-Date Cards went out and was planning on not inviting some other people if her Mother-In-Law added people, but I admit it’s dangerous to open the door like this.

no good deed goes unpunished, op. 

You will either have to explain that offer was made prior to Save-The-Date Cards because you have a limit or you will have to accept with caveat no more. 🙁 

one lesson I’ve learned repeatedly (so I have had to keep relearning it) is when I get that feeling like I want to offer something to someone, stop and think first. You can always offer later but it’s hard to clarify or take back later.

Post # 6
Member
2126 posts
Buzzing bee

I’d be pissed off quietly and just invite the 7. It’s not many, and do you want to start drama with Mother-In-Law over one day? You still have the right to be grumpy about it, but be gracious. She’s offered to pay their plates, which is a lot more than some people would do! I’m completely changing my whole entire wedding to suit other people. I’m just making the most of it and putting my foot down in things that really matter. My first guest list was 21 people, and I was quoting to take them to Italy. Now? 75 and counting, at a venue in town. 

Post # 7
Member
2012 posts
Buzzing bee

wineplease: Personally, I think “only 7 people” is only valid with a 100+ guest wedding. She’s pretty much adding 1/5 of her guestlist. Inaddition, for someone who initially wanted a 30 person wedding, she would essentially be doubling her guestlist from the starting point. I for one suffer from anxiety when it comes to events that may direct a little attention to me so I only wanted my Fiance and I plus any witnesses we may require for our marriage however he wants a big wedding so we’re compromising and having a 150 person ceremony and reception. I’m freaking out. Even just 7 extra people would probably be the point that would finally push me over the edge and cause me to have a mini meltdown. Plus it’s not just the cost of the meals. That’s a whole separate table which in our case would mean an extra centrepiece, extra decor, extra charger plates, extra invitations (which aren’t cheap), extra wedding favours, etc. It all adds up.

maymrswinks: You gave her the opportunity to add to the guestlist and she didn’t take it. Sorry, but you snooze, you lose. I wouldn’t budge if I were you.

Post # 8
Member
1746 posts
Bumble bee

There’s nothing that says she cannot add the extra centerpiece, decor, charger, invitations, favors. etc,  on to MIL’s bill. 

As the bride she can certainly say no depending upon how much drama she thinks it will cause and if it seems like she’s willing to tolerate it.  It may well be worth saying no for her, I just think the financial aspect, in this case, is a red herring.   

Post # 9
Member
2126 posts
Buzzing bee

Sukii:  the seperate table etc really depends on how many are seated at each table – we’ll probably be doing 8 to a table but they’re big enough for 10 so extras wouldn’t cost more in that department. 

Post # 10
Member
1888 posts
Buzzing bee

I don’t think you should give in. You gave her plenty of opportunities to add people before the list was finalized, and you adjusted the list with what she said in mind; if she didn’t think of them then, they’re probably not that important to her. I’m sorry, but you don’t “forget” to invite people who are must-be-theres twice. I think this is one of those situations where compromising will make you more unhappy than it will make her happy.

Post # 11
Member
2012 posts
Buzzing bee

garnobella: That’s true. I was just basing it on our case to give another perspective as sometimes it’s just not as simple as covering plates.

Post # 12
Member
429 posts
Helper bee

This recently happened to me & I was so pissed but didn’t say a word. Thankfully Fiance did all the talking. It didn’t go well cause they were just yelling at each other. At the end of it, we let these 2 random people be invited. Not happy at all, but I figured I need to choose my battles with the in-laws wisely especially since I get along with them so well. Later that night, I printed out a list for Mother-In-Law & Fiance told her that list was final. 

Good luck with whatever you decide. I wish I had your guest list count! 

Post # 13
Member
2126 posts
Buzzing bee

Sukii:  you’re right, just depends on the individual setup. In this case though I think the emotional fallout or resentment of either decision is probably higher than the dollar value. In laws 😉 

Post # 15
Member
1604 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I totally disagree to “allowing” her to pay for HER guests.  It’t not fair.  YOUR parents are paying more and they are living with limits.  This is the problem with allowing extra invites if they pay — the other parent who pays MORE may get less invites.  

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