Future MIL control issues + weird family behavior

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee

It sounds like your fiance is going to have to get a little tougher/stricter with her. No way in hell should she be calling your wedding planner or trying to make decisions without you. And it isn’t up to her what the ring bearer or flower girls wear. But this should all be communicated by your fiance. And it shouldn’t be “Bride doesn’t want XYZ, she’s decided on …” It should be “WE don’t want XYZ, WE’VE decided on …” 

As for carrying a bouquet of flowers, I think that’s really weird. Do mothers do this? Our florists offered it as an option but said most people don’t do it. I think it’s strange, like are you trying to be a bridesmaid or something? haha. Not trying to sound judgey, I’ve just never seen a mother of the bride or groom carry a bouquet. 

And just because your Father-In-Law thinks Mother-In-Law will be the star (WEIRD!) doesn’t mean she will. His wife may be the star of the day in his eyes, but to every other person there including your HUSBAND 🙂 it will be YOU who’s the star! 

Post # 4
Member
347 posts
Helper bee

Your fiance is going to have to tell his mother to get her nose out of your (meaning you and him) business. This is your wedding. He needs to say exactly what the previous bee said. “We have decided on….” and leave it at that. He needs to set some boundaries with her or this will be just the beginning. She will try to intervene in every aspect of your lives if she is allowed to get away with it now. 

Your wedding planner should be instructed to shut her down when she tries to intervene and to give out NO information about your plans to anyone but you and FH. 

Post # 5
Member
347 posts
Helper bee

Also – don’t give her a damn bouquet. When she shows up, she’ll get her corsage and she can either wear it or have no flowers. She’s not the bride. Get the flower girls and ring bearer the things that you want. This isn’t her special day and she has to learn now that she’s not the center of the universe. 

Post # 6
Member
1647 posts
Bumble bee

This is why my weddings planners’ policy is to not have any communication with anyone other than the bride and groom. Your fiance needs to be the one to take care of this. It’s not fair that you’re made to look like the bad guy when it’s your wedding day and it’s your fiance’s wedding too. The comment from Father-In-Law is so bizarre.

Post # 7
Member
653 posts
Busy bee

Your FH needs to practice some very important phrases. 

“Irishbride and I are going to make this decision on our own.” 

“Please do not contact the wedding planner about anything further.”  

“____ will be exactly as irishbride envisions it, because this is our wedding day and her family is paying for it.” 

“If we need your opinion, we will ask for it.”  

“You need to respect our personal space.”  

“This is not about you, Mom.” 

“I am respecting my future wife’s decision, and I expect that you will, too.” 

That’s just for starters.  

Post # 8
Member
347 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
ChasingZenith :  YES. ALL OF THIS. It’s so important to have boundaries. MY FH has a crazy mother and it took a while but he finally has learned how to put boundaries in place and it’s so much better. 

Post # 9
Member
1365 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

What is your Fiance doing to stop his mother? Because he should be telling her to knock it off.

 

The Father-In-Law comment is just weird. It shows that she’s either jealous or threatened (maybe both) of you.

Post # 10
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee

Yeah I should have added, instruct your wedding planner not to answer her calls or give her any information. Most wedding vendors know not to take direction from anyone other than bride or groom. And also, I know it’s uncomfortable to think “MIL will think I’M the one pushing him to stand up to her,” but at the end of the day, who cares if she knows. I used to think like this too, but eventually I realized who even cares if she knows it’s coming from me. As long as the end result is Fiance standing up for us as a couple and her getting the message, then let her think it was me who asked him to do it. As long as I’m getting what I want, which is her butting out! Also, the more your Fiance stands up to her, the more he will get used to standing up to her. Eventually he will do it without you having to ask, and she will figure out that it’s coming from him. (That’s been my experience anyway, for what it’s worth!)

Post # 11
Member
645 posts
Busy bee

I think you only worry about her disliking you because you think daughters in law are obligated to have a great relationship and be respectful of their MILs. Which is great when it works. But she’s not in charge and she has nothing you need. Especially if you go on to have kids – you are/will be the one with everything SHE wants, not the other way round. So lay down the law and set some boundaries – she has no choice but to adhere to them because it’s not her circus and – repeat this like a mantra – she has nothing you need. She doesn’t have to like it, but she does have to accept it. 

Post # 12
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

View original reply
irishbride2018 :  her behavior is unacceptable. FH needs to step in here and tell his mother to cut the sh*t. Remember, she is the one with the issue, not you. You are the bride. Not her. Kick her down a few pegs by drawing a line in the sand. “It is not acceptable for you to call my wedding planner who I am paying. It is not acceptable to have hair bands for the girls or a pillow. He will wear a sign and that is final. If you have a problem with any of this, you may remove yourself from the wedding and attend as a guest”. If she shows up with hair bands or a pillow, have DH take them away and replace them with the ones you chose, and then he will have to confront mom, ‘Mom, we talked about this. Cut the sh*t”. Sucks but has to be done. If you don’t do it now, she will walk allover you the rest of your marriage and F*CK that. 

Good luck!

Post # 13
Member
9388 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

View original reply
greeneyedgal13 :  yep.

Bee it doesn’t matter if she thinks it’s “your fault” that your son isnt being her perfect, obediant, angel.  IT IS YOUR FAULT.  Its your fault he is getting married, its your fault he is no longer going to be “just” a man (or, in her eyes, boy) but a husband and perhaps one day a father.  It is your fault he has priorities that come before her–you, and perhaps one day children as well.  She will always see it this way, so accept it, accept that you will always be that to her, and put your foot down and expect your fiance to do so too.

Post # 14
Member
2079 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Bee look up the word “Narcissist” and see if the descriptions you see come anywhere close to FMIL’s behavior.  She’s making things all about her and she’ll continue to do so.  There will most likely be no empathy for you and Future Father-In-Law just made it clear that he’ll enable any kind of behavior she wants so don’t even think he’ll behave like a human.   Get thee to DWIL Nation so you can get an idea of what you’re marrying into.  If you plan to have children, expect the crazy behavior to amplify.

Here’s the thing, the behavior CAN be nipped in the bud but your husband is key.  You and he need to be a united front and he can’t be fearful of an upset mother.  Whenever the behavior gets too crazy….cut off contact and keep it off until she learns her outlandish behavior is unwanted and unnaceptable.  Since this woman raised your Fiance, this is going to be an uphill battle.  Your fight will first be with Fiance and not your Future Mother-In-Law.  I suggest couples counseling before the I do’s bee.  You and he will need to learn to back each other up.

Post # 15
Member
763 posts
Busy bee

 

Welcome to my life! I had the same f**ked up Mother-In-Law and ex’s family. They didn’t pay a single dime for anything. I gave them the option to do WHATEVER THEY WANT as long as they will pay for whatever it is they want! 

You can never reason with or please some people. Your Fiance needs a backbone ASAP. And you should stop speaking to your Mother-In-Law about your wedding plans/arrangements directly. Do it only through your Fiance and also only on a ‘need to know’ basis. Also, he should use the term ‘we’ when he speaks about you guys’ wedding. 

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