Post # 1
Title pretty much says it all. She is very traditional and we aren’t, and had a yelling and tears meltdown when we showed her our wedding website and told us guests would be RSVPing online, something that I love and wish all couples would do. I just really appreciate the convenience and I like looking at wedding websites. It feels modern, fun and fresh. Her husband told her that it’s not her wedding and that she needs to get over it. She was extrememly rude to me and said I might as well not invite “her people” if I wasn’t going to do it her way (I think she’s embarassed of it because she thinks online RSVPing is “cheap”). She suggested sending out 2 different invitations, the online RSVPs for “my people” and the traditional RSVPS for “her people”. We told her we’re putting our foot down and declined the double invitation idea. She says we aren’t doing anything in relation to the wedding “the proper way”. Is there any way to turn this negative situation around? It’s frustrating to have someone stomp on all of my ideas and preferences.
Post # 2
I would just let her throw her fit and ignore her. Let her husband deal with her meltdowns
Post # 3
Is she contributing monetarily? If So, I would appease her. If not, she will need to get over it.
Post # 4
My fiance’s parents are paying for the catering, so yes they are contributing. We are paying for everything else. I still don’t see this as an excuse for her to get what she wants on this one.
Post # 5
Not inviting her people will make your wedding a lot cheaper. So win win.
Post # 6
happilyinlove98 : She was extrememly rude to me and said I might as well not invite “her people” if I wasn’t going to do it her way
The desire to be petty and tell her “Fine, we won’t invite your people then” would be hard to resist!
What a drama queen. RSVPs are literally such a non issue and none of it is her concern. At least Father-In-Law backed you guys up.
Post # 7
Learn to not let her push your buttons.
“Thanks for sharing your opinion. ____ and I have already decided what we are going to do. We want to keep you in the loop about our wedding decisions, but if it’s too stressful for you and you would rather not know, we can do that too.”
Post # 8
If she wants to pay for invitations for “her people” just let her do it. It will probably just be a handful of invitations.
My Mother-In-Law wanted to get a bus for their side and she took care of the whole thing, getting quotes, deciding on location and paying for it (I don’t event know who was on that bus and how much it cost). I think she really liked the fact that she was in charge of something because she wanted to help but we’ve done all the major things by ourselves and they wanted to be more involved (at one point she told us “this is our event too”).
If your Mother-In-Law is happy to pay for the invitations – I would just let her get some for “her people”. I agree with you that online reservations make more sense. We got both online invitations and paper and when we wanted to go hand out paper invitations to the older aunts and uncles we were told “no need, your parents already sent us the online version, it’s fine, we have all the info”.
Post # 9
Let her throw her fit and ignore her. Don’t try to figure out a way to appease her or make her happy. It won’t work and just plays into her emotional manipulation.
If she brings it up just say “I’m not going to discuss this anymore” and then change the subject. Walk away, hang up the phone, whatever if she persists.
Post # 10
What a drama queen! Online RSVPs are so easy, and save paper! I think you made a great choice. Let her stew in her own juice.
Post # 11
You’re not following traditional etiquette, but the way your Future Mother-In-Law is communicating that is even more inappropriate.
If you’re throwing a casual non traditional ceremony and reception I think online RSVPs could make sense and mesh with your vision of breaking away from tradition.
If you’re throwing a more formal event, it will raise some eyebrows and it’s going to to get you side eye from guests that are my parent’s age or older. My older relatives would likely just send a RSVP on their personal stationary as that’s in line with traditional etiquette.
It seems like you don’t really care about offending your Future Mother-In-Law or FMIL’s side of the family, but I’m not sure this is the hill to die on.
Post # 12
how old are her people? Are they very old and not good at computers?
Post # 13
Even some “not very old” people are not into computers. I have a good friend in her 50’s that doesn’t have a computer. She texts like mad, but that’s it. No web surfing, etc.
How to turn this negative situation around? While I absolutely don’t condone adult tantrums, I would bend on this one after a calm, adult conversation with you, your Fiance, and his parents. Hopefully with apologies on both sides. Her for throwing a tantrum, you guys for not trying to understand something relatively small that is important to her. You know, your future Mother-In-Law. Choose bigger hills to die on.
Post # 14
WELL…..speaking as an OLD BAT, we nearly missed a very important family wedding last summer because of an email invitation miscue. Nobody’s fault, but upsetting to everyone, including the hosts, the bride and the groom, and especially, US!.
We never actually found out WHY the invitation and accompanying info weren’t received, and the STD had been mailed way in advance.
Could Mother-In-Law be thinking that some of her guests might not BE ABLE to respond? Still happens actually.
If you want to preserve the relationship, and you’re able to sit down across a table with a glass of vino, try to find out why this is so important (the real reason if you can extract it from her) and see if both of you can pull back a little and figure out an amicable solution.
The wedding we went to was FABULOUS. Definitely wouldn’t have wanted to miss it.
Post # 15
A meltdown was not appropriate, but the substance of what she’s saying is not untrue. Regardless of whatever reply crutch you provide, the onus is actually on your guests to reply in a timely fashion to an invitation, all by themselves. Properly that’s in the same format. So an online invitation, which implies a more casual affair would merit an online reply. A mailed invitation would get a long hand, mailed reply.
If you don’t like hearing advice or having strings attached, then pay for your own wedding. You can’t have it both ways.