Future MIL insane. Can anyone relate?

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
5608 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

lalueverson :  

What does your boyfriend do when she talks like this? Are you both on the same page with knowing that his mother is out of line? Has he told her to stop talking about you like that, that he won’t listen to it?

Post # 3
Member
868 posts
Busy bee

lalueverson :  Just because she’s your bf’s mother doesn’t mean you (and he) can’t set healthy boundaries with her.  If she can’t be nice to you, why are you around her?  I would suggest limiting time spent with her, and I would encourage your bf to begin strongly discouraging her bad behavior.  Set consequences for it.  For example, tell her directly that if she behaves poorly, you will refuse to see her again until she apologizes.  

If this were a friend, you would be cutting her out of your life because of the way she treats you.  His mother doesn’t get a special pass to treat the two of you poorly just because she’s his mother. 

Post # 4
Member
394 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Distance will be key. You already know that this won’t be a great DIL/MIL relationship. I say just keep your distance and be polite. This is his circus, not yours. 

Post # 6
Member
868 posts
Busy bee

lalueverson :  Just stop spending time around her.  Who cares if it upsets her?  She’s being awful.  

Post # 8
Member
2469 posts
Buzzing bee

A referral to DWIL nation seems appropriate, based on what you’ve told us.  

Post # 9
Member
45 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Her little baby is growing up, and another woman is becoming the most important woman in your fiance’s life. I have no solution whatsoever bc my mother-in-law is the biggest problem in our relationship, but my fiance has shown that he is willing to “leave and cleave” and has told her on more than one occasion that I am his family now, and I am what is most important to him. So it still sucks dealing with her, but I just keep telling myself he is worth all the headache. 

Post # 10
Member
1695 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

lalueverson :  I agree with the suggestion to get thee to DWIL Nation.  Experienced people there…but have a thick skin okay?  They don’t do rants and will be blunt with their advice.

Narcissists need their “N” supply….who better than their own children who can be “groomed” to accept their behavior as normal and who won’t fight them on their authority?  His father is an enabler, yet another “n” source.  When these children become adults and move on with their lives it marks the end of complete control and shortage, if not the end, of the supply.  She will fight tooth and nail to hold on to that supply, hence her behavior. 

This isn’t exactly personal against YOU per se, but rather against ANY female that comes into her son’s life and takes attention away from her.  Her poor treatment of other children is typical of her type as you have the “golden child” (you bf) and the “scapegoat child” (other sibs).  Your bf needs professional counseling as he has been groomed to accept her behavior and simply chooses to keep his head low to avoid any fallout. Typical avoidance behavior.   Please know eventually she’s going her to point her ire directly at YOU bee at some point in the near future and you’re going to need him to forcefully step up to the plate.   He won’t do that without some kind of help.  Persuade him to get counseling even if its couples counseling……its the only way he develops tools to fight his programming.

Expect her to blow her top when she hears about your actual engagement and expect her treatment of you to get worse.   Based on your description of her behavior you may have to cut contact for a while.  

Post # 11
Member
738 posts
Busy bee

Whatever contact you do have with her in the end just remember she isn’t entitled to information about everything. I find my future Mother-In-Law asks leading questions or tries to get lots of info so she can pit us against each other. We’ve stopped telling her any information beyond what she absolutely needs to know. Keep a surface level relationship with pleasantries at best. 

Post # 12
Member
1055 posts
Bumble bee

It’s probably inevitable that a wedge will be drive between your future Mother-In-Law and your boyfriend, but she’s the one driving the wedge, not you. So drop that guilt right now, it doesn’t belong with you.

Personally, I don’t spend my time around abusive, narc family members anymore. Life is too short.

How does your boyfriend feel about going low contact with his mother?

 

She probably will never like you, because you are competition. If you two get married, her narc mind will explode with rage that you are now the #1 woman in his life. So good luck. Narcs gonna narc, go read about handling “extinction bursts”.

I think you two would benefits from learning about setting and keeping healthy boundaries with toxic family members.

For every rude action or boundary stomp; she goes in a time out.

  • Buys you clothes 5 sizes too big, “I thought it was a perfect fit, you’re so…healthy“? Time out
  • Constantly reminds you how wonderful his last girlfriend was?  Time out
  • Demands a key to your eventual home? Time out
  • Rearranged your cupboards and kitchen to “help”?  Time out
  • Feeds your pets treats and food that are not allowed? Time out
  • Shows up constantly uninvited? Time out
  • Insults you, is rude, cruel, or passive aggressive?  Time out
  • Has a tantrum when she doesn’t get her way?  Time out

 

You get the idea!

If she dials up the asshole behavior, the timeouts get longer. As in no texts, calls, Skype, Facetime, in person visits, vacations, et cet. When she’s an asshole, call her out on it. Don’t join the people who are happy to sweep her shitty behavior under the rug.

Assuming the rest of his family are nice normal people, now is the time to develop your own relationships with your boyfriend’s family. Don’t let her be the “gatekeeper” between you two and his siblings, aunts and uncles, grand parents, et cet.

Post # 13
Member
2713 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

Check out the Reddit sub JUSTNOMIL.  They’re a little less brutal than DWIL.  You are definitely not alone! When she offers an unprompted opinion, I’d give her the same response every time: “that’s a decision that Boyfriend or Best Friend and I will be making as a couple.”  And don’t say anything more.  If she tries to kick off, just keep repeating that.  If you don’t engage with her, she can’t start a fight.  Or try “No, thank you.”  Polite and works for every stupid idea: “You and boyfriend should live together before engagement.” “No thank you.”  “You should not have a job, stay home and have babies.” “No, thank you.” Just don’t engage as much as possible.  And if she really crosses the line, a time out is an excellent idea.  No contact for three months – you and boyfriend block her on everything.  

Post # 14
Member
4991 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Like a PP said, distance is the key.

My Mother-In-Law is ‘crazy’ too. She’s overbearing, neurotic and can be controling. Thankfully we live in another country for her so things are good, so far. Don’t get sucked into her drama and try to tune out her nonsense. Good luck!

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