Post # 1
Let me just start off by saying that my Bf and I have been together for almost 6 years. We have a time line in place for a proposal and when we’d both like to be married. We are in the process of having my ring built and probably will get engaged shortly after it is finished.
Now, onto the juicy bits…..
my bf and I don’t live together and I really don’t want to live with him until we are engaged for my own reasons. His mother thinks I’m wrong for this choice and many other choices. Her and I don’t see eye to eye 90% of the time. We have different values and visions of what success is. An example of this would be, education. I’m finishing up my last semester of schooling (4 years of college) and she believes that I’m a fool for getting educated when I should have stayed home and raised babies like she did. Though I don’t judge people who choose that path it wasn’t the path for me.
anyway, recently she has been getting more and more unbearable to be around. She seems to always have opinions about the path my bf and I are going down and she cannot stand the fact that her son is more successful than she is when she was his age. She constantly tells her other children and her grandchildren that she hates them then wonders why none of her children visit her or want to be around her. She has a very entitled personality and can be very narcissistic.
In short, I guess I’m curious if anyone doesn’t get along with their in laws? All of my married friends seem to love their in laws and vice versa and I’m just feeling a little trapped at the moment. I love my bf and want us to continue down our path but at the same time I think that because she is very prominent in our lives I have to live with her over our shoulders with every decision we decide to make. Help needed and thanks in advance.
Post # 2
What does your boyfriend do when she talks like this? Are you both on the same page with knowing that his mother is out of line? Has he told her to stop talking about you like that, that he won’t listen to it?
Post # 3
lalueverson : Just because she’s your bf’s mother doesn’t mean you (and he) can’t set healthy boundaries with her. If she can’t be nice to you, why are you around her? I would suggest limiting time spent with her, and I would encourage your bf to begin strongly discouraging her bad behavior. Set consequences for it. For example, tell her directly that if she behaves poorly, you will refuse to see her again until she apologizes.
If this were a friend, you would be cutting her out of your life because of the way she treats you. His mother doesn’t get a special pass to treat the two of you poorly just because she’s his mother.
Post # 4
Distance will be key. You already know that this won’t be a great DIL/MIL relationship. I say just keep your distance and be polite. This is his circus, not yours.
Post # 5
Sansa85 : my bf and I are both on the same page as far as her behavior is concerned. My bf took after his dad which is a blessing and a curse because he doesn’t rise to the occasion often. When he does rise to the occasion it gets explosive because she doesn’t back down from fights. I guess I’m just at a loss because I don’t want to be the one to challenge her behavior and bf just ignores her.
Post # 6
lalueverson : Just stop spending time around her. Who cares if it upsets her? She’s being awful.
Post # 7
ChasingZenith : I think that is what will have to happen. I just don’t want it to come across as me driving a wedge between my SO and his mother. I know he cares about her and is very family oriented but in the same breath she is driving a wedge between us. I don’t think she doesn’t like me because I’m constantly included in family affairs and invited on vacations and stuff like that. However, I’m under the impression that she feels she is losing control because he’s making decisions without her input (which he should be doing because he’s 26) lol.
Post # 8
A referral to DWIL nation seems appropriate, based on what you’ve told us.
Post # 9
Her little baby is growing up, and another woman is becoming the most important woman in your fiance’s life. I have no solution whatsoever bc my mother-in-law is the biggest problem in our relationship, but my fiance has shown that he is willing to “leave and cleave” and has told her on more than one occasion that I am his family now, and I am what is most important to him. So it still sucks dealing with her, but I just keep telling myself he is worth all the headache.
Post # 10
lalueverson : I agree with the suggestion to get thee to DWIL Nation. Experienced people there…but have a thick skin okay? They don’t do rants and will be blunt with their advice.
Narcissists need their “N” supply….who better than their own children who can be “groomed” to accept their behavior as normal and who won’t fight them on their authority? His father is an enabler, yet another “n” source. When these children become adults and move on with their lives it marks the end of complete control and shortage, if not the end, of the supply. She will fight tooth and nail to hold on to that supply, hence her behavior.
This isn’t exactly personal against YOU per se, but rather against ANY female that comes into her son’s life and takes attention away from her. Her poor treatment of other children is typical of her type as you have the “golden child” (you bf) and the “scapegoat child” (other sibs). Your bf needs professional counseling as he has been groomed to accept her behavior and simply chooses to keep his head low to avoid any fallout. Typical avoidance behavior. Please know eventually she’s going her to point her ire directly at YOU bee at some point in the near future and you’re going to need him to forcefully step up to the plate. He won’t do that without some kind of help. Persuade him to get counseling even if its couples counseling……its the only way he develops tools to fight his programming.
Expect her to blow her top when she hears about your actual engagement and expect her treatment of you to get worse. Based on your description of her behavior you may have to cut contact for a while.
Post # 11
Whatever contact you do have with her in the end just remember she isn’t entitled to information about everything. I find my future Mother-In-Law asks leading questions or tries to get lots of info so she can pit us against each other. We’ve stopped telling her any information beyond what she absolutely needs to know. Keep a surface level relationship with pleasantries at best.
Post # 12
It’s probably inevitable that a wedge will be drive between your future Mother-In-Law and your boyfriend, but she’s the one driving the wedge, not you. So drop that guilt right now, it doesn’t belong with you.
Personally, I don’t spend my time around abusive, narc family members anymore. Life is too short.
How does your boyfriend feel about going low contact with his mother?
She probably will never like you, because you are competition. If you two get married, her narc mind will explode with rage that you are now the #1 woman in his life. So good luck. Narcs gonna narc, go read about handling “extinction bursts”.
I think you two would benefits from learning about setting and keeping healthy boundaries with toxic family members.
For every rude action or boundary stomp; she goes in a time out.
- Buys you clothes 5 sizes too big, “I thought it was a perfect fit, you’re so…healthy“? Time out
- Constantly reminds you how wonderful his last girlfriend was? Time out
- Demands a key to your eventual home? Time out
- Rearranged your cupboards and kitchen to “help”? Time out
- Feeds your pets treats and food that are not allowed? Time out
- Shows up constantly uninvited? Time out
- Insults you, is rude, cruel, or passive aggressive? Time out
- Has a tantrum when she doesn’t get her way? Time out
You get the idea!
If she dials up the asshole behavior, the timeouts get longer. As in no texts, calls, Skype, Facetime, in person visits, vacations, et cet. When she’s an asshole, call her out on it. Don’t join the people who are happy to sweep her shitty behavior under the rug.
Assuming the rest of his family are nice normal people, now is the time to develop your own relationships with your boyfriend’s family. Don’t let her be the “gatekeeper” between you two and his siblings, aunts and uncles, grand parents, et cet.
Post # 13
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
Check out the Reddit sub JUSTNOMIL. They’re a little less brutal than DWIL. You are definitely not alone! When she offers an unprompted opinion, I’d give her the same response every time: “that’s a decision that Boyfriend or Best Friend and I will be making as a couple.” And don’t say anything more. If she tries to kick off, just keep repeating that. If you don’t engage with her, she can’t start a fight. Or try “No, thank you.” Polite and works for every stupid idea: “You and boyfriend should live together before engagement.” “No thank you.” “You should not have a job, stay home and have babies.” “No, thank you.” Just don’t engage as much as possible. And if she really crosses the line, a time out is an excellent idea. No contact for three months – you and boyfriend block her on everything.
Post # 14
Like a PP said, distance is the key.
My Mother-In-Law is ‘crazy’ too. She’s overbearing, neurotic and can be controling. Thankfully we live in another country for her so things are good, so far. Don’t get sucked into her drama and try to tune out her nonsense. Good luck!
Post # 15
Thanks bees. This is all really reassuring and I’ll definitely take the advice. I guess I’m just used to pleasing everyone and wanting everyone and myself to get along and sometimes people just don’t click and that is apparent with Mother-In-Law and I. I definitely agree we need space from her and bf agreed with me when I brought it up tonight.