(Closed) Future MIL Issues… Already!

posted 10 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
596 posts
Busy bee

i would try to stay out of it and let your Fiance deal with his mom.  if you get involved, she will only resent you more!  do you guys have middle person that can help to mediate, like FI’s dad, siblings, grandparents, etc.?  hopefully other people also agree that she is being unreasonable.  it helps if you have other family members on your side to support you. 

my mom is definitely like that too so i feel your pain.  i’ve instructed Fiance to keep out of it and let me handle it alone…he doesn’t need to give her more reason to hate him.  thankfully, my brother is on my side (although he’s not quite in a mediation position) so it helps to have him as my sanity check.

hang in there!

 

Post # 4
Member
508 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

it sounds like you’ve identified the issue, now it’s just trying to stay as drama-free as possible while she works through it.  emileee is right – best to stay out of it as much as possible.  get someone in to mediate, if possible, but let Fiance take the lead.  letting go can be scary/painful, but hopefully things will settle down before the big day…

Post # 5
Member
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I do!!!  (although she’s never threatened not to come to the wedding).

 

 When we moved in together my Mother-In-Law and Father-In-Law seemed hell bent on ruining us.  It damaged our relationship to say the least.  

 

   I’ve tried to make ammends (I still feel a lot of contempt at times), for my fiance’s sake. My advice is to stay out of everything, unless she challenges you.  Defend yourself in a polite way, don’t let her walk on you. Let your fiance handle her and be supportive of him, but also make sure he is not allowing his mother to walk on you.  

 

  I’m sure she wouldn’t miss her son’s wedding.   

Post # 6
Member
4 posts
Wannabee

i know all about it. sigh! Mother-In-Law hates me reasons: I love her son, her son loves me too. My Father-In-Law can’t bear the thought their son is in love with someone who loves him just as much. I am clueless on how to handle them.

Post # 7
Member
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

We’ve all been through it in varying degrees and I definitely feel for you.  Families, and sometimes moms in particular, have a very difficult time with the realization that their child is creating their own family, and they won’t be the most important person in their life anymore.

The most important thing is that you and FH stick together as a unit.  He needs to defend you and make sure that whatever his mother thinks, he consults with you first before making any decisions. 

Let’s face it, men do not process info or see many of the things that women do.  He’ll need help in making decisions and coming to conclusions, but be gently in your delivery so that he doesn’t feel stupid for not seeing it himself.  Also be careful that how ever crazy she is, it’s still his mom, so do the best you can shed light on her bad behavior w/o slamming her completely.

He’s picked you to live the rest of his life with, but it is ideal that there be some assemblance of peace because there will be many future family events that you’ll both need to be a part of.  Best of luck.

Post # 8
Member
438 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2008

I did – and I swear that same expression was used.  I just laughed it off.  SHe just has to get used to it, and she will get over it.  Though, mine never said she wasn’t coming to the wedding.  Its a natural progression, and she shouldn’t have had kids if she wasn’t going to be able to let them go one day.

Post # 9
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

OMG – sounds JUST like my ex’s mom. She did all this stuff, drove me batty. He and I never actually made it to the altar so my porblem with the Future Mother-In-Law in that case – but in your case my advice to you having been around these type of woman for YEARS…

You have to roll it off her back. Telling/explaining to her will piss her off more and cause arguments,  she’s selfish right nw and doens’t want to see things any other way then hers and unfortuantly as sweet and wonderful as you are, she’s not going to admit it to save her life.

I had to find a way to ignore it. It was tough and I cired a lot, was angry alot. Now whereas yours might come to her senses someday and welcome you, maybe even aplogize – this beast woulnnd’t have, and I knew it.  

I’m so sorry youhave to deal with it. It’s terrible but you have a gfreat guy who seems to be defending the two of you and tryuing to make sure she knows you’re in love and try to make it all better.

 

Post # 10
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I had similar problems with my future Mother-In-Law.  To add to the fun, my fiance is not only the only son in his family, he’s the ONLY CHILD!  So needless to say, she has had some separation issues.  My fiance and I have been together for five years, and it is only recently that she has begun to deal with the fact that I am here to stay.  Even so, we continue to deal with minor issues/clashes every now.   

I think what everyone else has said is right on.  Your man has to stick up for you and you two as a couple.  The first few years of our relationship, my fiance didn’t stand up to his mom.  This caused endless heartache and fights between us.  I agree with SoCalBeachGirl – you have to be careful how you broach the subject with your future hubby.  It’s still his mother, and you have to tread lightly.  If future Mother-In-Law is being ridiculous, immature or mean, he has to see it himself too and realize FOR HIMSELF that his mom is out of line.  This is advice I wish I had heeded earlier on.  I spent way too much time trying to convince him how awful she was being, and it just made me look like the bad one in the end!

One other thing – in my experience, you have to stand up for what you feel is important.  Don’t let your future Mother-In-Law bully you.  Mine did, and I fought back (with the support of my future hubby) and she had no choice but to back down. 

I sound pretty bitter toward my future MIL! Ah! It’s only because it’s been a loooong road, but it seems to have worked out in the end.  Things can get better.  Best of luck with your situation. 

Post # 11
Member
5 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2007

I am so sorry that you are put in this position.  It can become so straining on everyone that I got to the point where giving up or giving in was easier.  The level of things I was subjected to are things tv drama’s are made of….really! 

My advice:  you and future hubby seek some counseling together.  It will give you the communication tools to be able to put your feelings and wants into words that she can hear.  And honestly no one knows the relationship between mother and son better than the son.  He will have to be a part of this.  Setting the boundaries now will give you freedom in the future.

I had no option left but counseling and my goal was just to get through the wedding–not develop a relationship.  Once she knew that I was serious enough to go to counseling, her son was going too, we were not going to split up, she had to find a way to make it work too (if only to keep a relationship with her son).  We had a scheduled phone call (because we do not live close by or it would have been a face to face), got eveything in the open and that was the end of it.  She decided that she wanted to be a part of the wedding process by throwing a shower in his hometown and rehearsal dinner.  I went dress shopping with her to help her pick out her dress.  Everything worked out fine–granted there is not one wedding picture of her and I together except for family photos!

A year later, we have a baby on the way and she really wants to be a part of it.  Because we have already laid down the boundaries of our life together, she knows her role.

I wish you best of luck in dealing with this.  Get a handle on it now because it does not get any easier.

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