Future MIL may break up my engagement… HELP!!

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
9539 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

No man is worth this. It’s impacting your mental health, you need to do what’s best for you which is to cut this woman out of your life and that most likely means leaving your fiancé. He clearly isn’t willing to set and enforce boundaries with her and it’s unlikely that will ever change.

You could always try couples counseling but I would absolutely put any wedding planning on hold for now.

Post # 3
Member
7865 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

She sounds like a peach! Generally the only way to nip these things in the bud is to get your partner on the same page as you in terms of setting firm, non-negotiable boundaries and distancing yourselves. It sounds like your Fiance realizes she is out of control, but for whatever reason doesn’t think it’s worth the trouble of actually taking a firm stand against her inappropriate behavior. 

Can you give some concrete examples of her overbearing or invasive behavior? That might help the bees offer more useful suggestions.

Post # 6
Member
9539 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

Given your update I will suggest again putting all wedding planning on hold and getting into couples counseling. Give yourselves a space and a third party to help you figure out how to navigate this situation. Something has to change, otherwise you can’t stay because it’s just not fair to you.

Post # 7
Member
7865 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Ok. I don’t think having some grand intervention with her is going to do any good. And honestly, going no contact seems a little extreme to me, I can understand why your Fiance wouldn’t want to go that far at this point. I think you and your Fiance just have to start systematically shutting her down each and every time she oversteps. Your Fiance def needs to take the lead in this.

Examples:

She had a copy of your key made? Change your locks and don’t give her another key. “But what if there’s an emergency and I need to get in???” Fiance answers: “We’re not comfortable giving keys to anyone. Please call us first if you’d like to come over.” If she pushes further, he simply refuses to continue the convo. “I’m not going to discuss this anymore, let’s talk about something else.”

She is prying into your plans for having kids? Your fi needs to firmly tell her, “That is a personal matter between my fiance and me, please respect our privacy.” When she continues to push, he just needs to keep repeating “That’s a private matter, let’s change the subject.” When she refuses to change the subject, he/you need to excuse yourselves from the conversation, whether that means hanging up the phone or physically leaving the room.

She texts you while you’re out? Don’t respond. Better yet, stop telling her what your plans are so she’s not able to harass you about them.

You guys just need to distance yourself and your Fiance needs to take the charge on that. I definitely think premarital counseling is a must given the title of your post! I think a third party can help your Fiance understand that he really needs to take a stronger stand in shutting her down, and that he can do that in a respectful way. In other words, he can still be a loving son and shut her down when she goes too far.

Post # 9
Member
136 posts
Blushing bee

I don’t know if calling off the wedding just to be rid of her is right. Honestly that sounds super extreme to me as does cutting her off. If you love your Fiance and he is willing to work with you than work together and determine a solution. It sounds like she is just lonely and has a boundary issue – its annoying but not the end of the world. At least her heart is in the right place. 

I would honestly sit down with your Fiance and try and come up with a solution even if it means setting limited goals in the meantime until she gets the hint. Something like you may send 2 texts maximum a day, you may call us once each weekend. We will visit every sunday for lunch etc. Something like that for whatever amounts both you and your Fiance agree are appropriate. I would also make a list of things that are off-limits to discuss – anything that is private between you and Fiance like how many kids you want, how much money you earn etc. Determine a list and give it to your Future Mother-In-Law and say if you talk to us about these we will not respond. 

My mom is very controlling and can be a similar burden I just know when she gets a certain way I simply say that is enough I will speak to you tomorrow and hang up the phone or leave. You don’t live with her so it is easier. If she refuses to respect the boundaries you put in place than you can start discussing more extreme measures like cutting off contact, but I really don’t think you are there yet. Maybe even sit her down and tell her calmly that you both love her, that you want to be a part of her life, however, she needs to respect that you and Fiance are now forming your own family. Remember you and Fiance are not responsible for her happiness, if she wants to be bored at home that is her choice however she does not need to place the burden on you. Good luck!

Post # 10
Member
925 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2017 - Vineyard on Long Island

This resonantes with me a bit, though my Future Mother-In-Law is not NEARLY that bad haha… she just loves her boys.  Fiance and I have stopped responding to her when she texts during the work day.  She can send as many messages as she wants, but they don’t get answered until we’re home. Same thing when we go out on the weekends — no responding to her texts until we get back home and have enjoyed our day. And Fiance calls her regularly on his drive home from work, so that quashes a good bit of the stuff shed be texting us about at night.  As for the rest, keys to the house is a big no-no.  I agree with PP who said to change your locks and don’t give out any more keys.  Tell her there is a system in place for emergencies or wahtever, but that she must ask before coming over.  And baby talk is super annoying, but maybe shes just really excited for grandkids? Have your Fiance tell her you’ve discussed as a couple would prefer for the matter to remain between you two for the time being.  In terms of smothering you with gifts and kindness, let her get excited and craft or buy or cook whatever she wants to give to you, and thank her for her efforts.  However, limiting your physical visiting with her will limit the amount of times she can be cooking for Fiance or doing things for you.  Set a system in place where you only see her once a month or something, so she can get all this out of her system and you might actually appreciate her efforts if they’re done sparingly.

My two cents as these light boundaries have worked for me, but we live 1.5/2 hours away from Future Mother-In-Law so its like quite like shes down the block or anything.

Post # 12
Member
3737 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Sounds like Mother-In-Law needs a boyfriend…

Post # 13
Member
3332 posts
Sugar bee

She sounds very difficult and she may hurt your relationship, but only if you allow it. Follwo tiffanybruiser’s advice. There are ways to deal with Mother-In-Law, but not just by having your fiance yell at her. Stop playing into her dumb games, like with the key. Realize that both of you are grown ass adults about to get married and do not need to report your lives to her nor do you need her permission to do things just because she gives you gifts. I’m not saying you feel that way, but it helps to be in the right mind set.

Post # 14
Member
3332 posts
Sugar bee

greeneyedgal13 :  Ok, your fiance needs some kind of counseling. He, as her child, is not repsonsible for her happiness. SHE is responsible for her own happiness. Until he can see that, I think you will have a tough time getting him to the right mental stage where the two of you can deal with her in a healthy manner. This does not mean he doesn’t have to care about her happiness – he is just not responsible for it.

Post # 15
Member
9123 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

kinda sounds like my mom…

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