Post # 1
I wanted to write this post because I’m at the point where I really nice advice from outsiders. My fiancé and I have been together 5 ½ years, and his mother really likes me. We get along well, even to the point where 2 years into our relationship she started asking when she would have her first grandchild! I politely told her after we were married, and stable enough to have a home.
Anyways, fast forward to December when my fiancé proposed. Honestly, I just don’t think she cares about our wedding. She’s never asked about my dress, or her dress or flowers or really anything! She even made jokes when I invited her along to look at reception venues, and then realized we couldn’t afford them. She said things like “oh well, guess you’ll have to be in the back yard.” The emotional part of me is hurt by this.
In the very beginning we had a difficult time figuring out how we are going to pay for everything. My fiancé explained to her we were taking out a small loan because, frankly we had no other choice. Explained meaning in a matter of fact way, because we would never ask for anything – I figure with a wedding if someone wants to contribute they will offer. I grew up very modestly with a single mother, and if I wanted something I worked for it – I’m not too good with taking things from people.
To mention, fiancé’s mother has recently come into money – and has purchased herself a new car, and gone on several vacations since. She also fully supports my fiancé’s older brother who lives with her – even though he is fully capable of taking care of himself. I can’t understand why if she’s capable – she’s not offering to help us!!
Anyways – I guess I am just hurt that since the proposal the relationship between me and her has gone downhill. She seems so selfish to me, and I’m hurt she doesn’t want to be there for us. Am I over reacting? Any advice?
Post # 3
I’m kinda in the same boat. Been with my Fiance for 5 1/2 years and (I tought) me and my Future Mother-In-Law were getting along well. She would even introduce me to strangers as her son’s fiance before we were engaged. But now we’re having issues. Two days after our engagement, we went to her house and she insisted we have my fiance’s neices at the wedding. Long story short, they live in Germany and can’t be there. So we got backlash from my FI’s sister for not making sure her kids could come.
Now we are having rehearsal dinner issues. We already put a deposit down at our favorite restaurant and my Fiance is afraid to tell his mom because she may backlash for not lettng her choose. So much drama. She is sending him other restaurants info after we told her twice, we wanted our favorite. She’s cheap (although she has money). She took my Fiance out to dinner for his b-day (3 months too late) and said she didn’t want me there because she had a coupon. REALLY?!?! So I wasn’t invited.
My solution, just stay away and stay out of the drama. His family doesn’t like me to begin with so my life is less stressful when I’m not around them.
Post # 4
You already know the best advice. It is written in your third paragraph.
“If someone wants to contribute, they will offer”. “If I wanted something I worked for it.” This is your wedding, not hers. She is not obligated to contribute, or be excited, or anything else. It would certainly be nice if she did, but she is not obligated. If she chooses to support her other son that is her perogative. It sounds like she should not, but it is her choice. And… her recently coming into some money… that money is for her to spend the way she wants.
Don’t get yourself bent out of shape because you think another adult should behave a certain way. You are only in control of you. You and your Fiance do what you can to have the nicest wedding you can and if anything is offered consider it a blessing.
Post # 5
I understand that you feel a little hurt. Maybe like she loves her other son more? Or that she loves your Fiance less because of you? Maybe even that she thinks you only got engaged because she came into money and you expect her to pay for it?
My best advice is to plan your wedding. You are paying for it, so leave her out of it. She’s made it clear that she is not interested in helping with the logistics or finances. Don’t continue to let her in, it will just upset you.
Give her an invitation with the date, location, and time and let it be. That’s all she needs to know!
Post # 6
I understand where you are coming from. My fiance is from an EXTREMELY small little country town…. I’m pretty sure there are more cows then people. I’m not from a huge city but close to big cities and definitely not used to that lifestyle. That being said, we were obviously raised differently.
I’m really close with everyone in my family and we are very open, we say I love you and hug and all those things. His mom is not like that. We’ve always gotten along great but they just have a totally different lifestyle than I am used to. She likes to stay home and really isn’t in to all the wedding things like dress shopping, flowers, etc. At first I felt hurt that she didn’t want to be a part of it all but I just had to realize that she is different from my family.
Sometimes its hard to blend in with someone else’s family.
Post # 7
@2ndtime has some wonderful points, so I won’t say anything about the money. But I do get from your post that you miss having a better relationship with your Future Mother-In-Law, so I suggest trying to find it again. Invite her out for lunch, just the two of you. Don’t talk about the wedding or money. Tell her that you miss her and feel like you’ve been getting a more distant vibe since you got engaged and want to get closer again.
Post # 8
I also understand how you feel. Oddly enough, my inlaws came into some money too before the wedding. A flat screen, new floors, new bathroom and a few other trinkets later, they knew we were struggling to make ends meet.
Now to the emotional part. I understand that too. We would get excited and try to share our wedding plans and Mother-In-Law would change the subject to her work or her life. It was very upsetting because Darling Husband is her only child and, well, why wouldn’t she be excited about it, right?
Turns out, she never wanted us to get married. She never wanted Darling Husband to marry anyone.
Could this be the case for you? That she just can’t let go of her son?
Because things were well in the beginning and changed after the engagement, and you state the same…I’m wondering if that is the case.
She didn’t think you guys would ever end up engaged and now is trying to avoid wedding talk becuase she would rather “keep her little boy on her apron strings”.
I could be way out there and completely wrong but our stories are similar so I could be right?
Post # 9
@Just_Squeeze: You could be right. Altough she still has her “baby” son living at home with her – at the age of 33! It’s comforting to know I’m not alone though, and other people have been through similar things. I think she just can’t be bothered with anything that’s not about her!!
Post # 10
@maybride12: Huh. So she probably wants her other baby under her wing too but you aren’t going to let that happen, are you? 😉
No, you are not alone. PM me anytime you want to vent.