(Closed) Future MIL Vent / Share your stories (Sorry so long!)

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
310 posts
Helper bee

Wow! I am so sorry you have to deal with a Future Mother-In-Law who is so pushy and overbearing. It’s unfortunate that the talks your Fiance has had with her are not working :-(. I have had friends who had similar situations and really just drawing the boundaries and leaving it at that worked out well. Sometimes you just have to ignore it because they are not agreeing with you and not changing their minds. Do it your way. It seems like your Fiance is on the same page as you and is very supportive :-). 

Sadly I cannot share a story because my Future Mother-In-Law is the least intrusive mother I have encountered. Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

What I predict is since your mom is in the situation you say, your Future Mother-In-Law is going to try to get her at every holiday, so that way you have no excuse but to be at FMIL’s house. I can see her trying to do this and make it make sense.

I tried to read your post with an open mind so I could give you suggestions on where you could compromise, but really, I don’t see where you could or should. You just gotta put your foot down and do it your way. She has two other families she can dominate. So you keep your independence.

My mom is like this in a way, because she wants us all (4 of us, all married but me yet) together on all holidays. She doesn’t go off the fiscal cliff if we aren’t there once in a while, but she wants us there. It’s hard on our holidays because two of my siblings have their wife and husband’s extended families to also visit, so our holiday is either rushed or doesn’t happen until extremely late in the day. I kept telling my mom to just have it and let people come and go. But NO……can’t eat, can’t open presents, can’t nothing till everyone is there. It really cheats us as a family when we can’t just come and go as we please. 

Luckily, one brother’s wife doesn’t really have family here that demands her time on the holiday. When I get married, my FI’s parents are in another state and they are older, 70’s. Not sure how we’d handle it yet.

I’m going to advise that you split the holidays because all that waiting around for people to make both houses is hard on other family members. So TG with his family and christmas with your mom. Or maybe christmas eve is an option for his family. 

As for the wedding….girl, you gotta to do you. Hate it for Future Mother-In-Law.

Post # 5
Member
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Wow. That sounds just terrible! I would share my story, but I’d pretty much be repeating yours word for word, except my fiance is the eldest son (so first to be getting married). I hope I’ve made things easier for fiance’s brother’s future wife by putting my foot down on a lot of things!

There’s not really much I can say except continue to stand your ground with things. Obviously consult with your fiance and see what he is comfortable “giving” your Future Mother-In-Law (e.g. alternating holidays, or setting aside one weekend a month/two months to visit) and sticking to it. Good luck – in-laws are scary creatures!

Post # 7
Member
6121 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

Sorry you have to deal with such an overbearing woman! I just recently got a taste of my FMIL’s true personality…

My Fiance has always been clear that his mother is “not a nice woman”. As in, she has little regard for people’s feelings, is selfish, and hard-headed. But she was always nice to me when I saw her (she lives like 4 hours away so we don’t see her very often) so I thought maybe that’s just how she is with him and his brother because she’s their mother. Boy was I wrong lol.

First, a few months ago she contacts my Fiance talking about his ex (I actually created a post about this) and saying how pretty/thin she is now and how she (the ex) will probably regret their breakup for the rest of her life.

Second, she has decided to rent out her condo (where she/my Fiance used to live-she just moved) to my FI’s ex (same as above). Which honestly is just weird and I feel it’s kind of disrespectful to Fiance and I.

Third, she randomly calls Fiance and asks him if “he’s sure about getting married, he doesn’t know me that well, we’re really young, etc”. Ummm, WTF?! Of course, he’s sure…he asked me to marry him without any pressure from me, we’ve known each other for 2+ years (3+ by the time we get married), and we’re 25 and 24 years old. Needless to say, my Fiance slipped and she soon apologized but that’s too little, too late.

Fourth, (and this is when I exploded/vented to my poor FI) she came to visit for Christmas and finally met my mother. Well my mom was talking to her and my FI’s step-mother about coordinating the color of their dresss and Future Mother-In-Law never once stated that she had a dress already or anything to “hint” to my mom that buying a new dress wasn’t an option. (my mom can come on a little strong but she means well and had no bad intentions). Well come to find out my Future Mother-In-Law asked my FI’s brother for their step-mom’s number and she proceeded to call her and bitch about how my mother “has no right to tell them what to wear”. I would like to point out that my mother never “told them what to wear”, she simply suggested they stay in the same color family so the pictures flow. This revelation finally set me off. She didn’t even have the decency to call me and voice her concern. She went behind my back (and FI’s by going to his brother) and talked crap about my mom to FI’s step-mom. So I had the pleasure of calling my mom and telling her to not bring up the attire anymore, which of course now she knows that Future Mother-In-Law was talking badly about it in some way (I spared her the details because I know it would hurt her feelings especially since she was nothing but nice to her)

Lastly, she constantly puts down my Fiance in an attempt to maker her other (older) son feel better. Background: FI’s brother is still single, has a Master’s degree yet works for the family business, and isn’t very confident. So Future Mother-In-Law always says the family business isn’t good enough for him because “he’s so smart” (he’s average, sorry to burst your bubble) yet it’s fine more my Fiance. So that statement in itself is stating that my Fiance is “dumber” than his brother. She also can’t understand why brother is still single and Fiance is getting married, since brother is so attractive and has so much to offer…he’s single because he’s extremely picky and arrogant. Anwyays, the examples go on and on.

Oh goodness, I could go on for days about this woman. Sorry this was sooo long. I just wanted to let you know that you aren’t alone!

Post # 8
Member
2473 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Oh man…well I posted a little while ago about mine who has taken it upon herself to tell us that “when IM taking care of the kids” (when we deicde to have them) “do you expect me to drive all the way to your house?” (in her fit about us moving to the other side of the city…bigger house better area)….and neither of us plan on having her do it FYI.

I got 5 seconds of relief when she later stated she was “totally fine” with us moving because shes used to it and we talk about it all the time….(que my panic again) cause she looks at Fiance and says….”ya…just make sure you have a room for me because when Im looking after the babies I’ll just be staying over when im tired or when its cold….”

um…..excuse me? I cornered Fiance when we got home and made sure we were on the same page that it AINT happening!

oh…and for the wedding (FI and I are paying for it all) shes insisting on inviting their friends “children” because they were invited to all their weddings…even though they didnt go? all these children btw are 20+ and all married, one with a new baby.

 

Post # 10
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee

I want to play! My Mother-In-Law is just about as bad as yours. Yikes!

She told us to go to hell when we booked the venue for our wedding. Just because she did not get to see it in person.  She said that we would not have a relationship because I did not include her in the wedding process (Selecting the venue). She cried to my Darling Husband about how bad I am but I will not live a life time of her controlling me or my husband!

This is what I do:

  1. I told her this is not what I am used to if you want to have a nice relationship with your son and me, be nice. If you chose not to I will do the same thing as you are doing to me.
  2. When she would act up ex- tell me to go to hell because I did not agree with her, I will do things that make her mad…..like I tell her me and Darling Husband will not have children. Lol
  3. Stop communicating with her. Keep your distance until she learns to be nice. She know how to do it but her other DIL and other two sons have gave her the impression that she can do whatever she wants.  Let her know NOW that is not how she will treat you and your Darling Husband.  I know you hear it all the time but it will get worse if or when you have kids. True story!
  4. Tell her NO!  if she brings up inviting everyone she wants and make sure she does not have extra invites. If you have to tell her NO 100 times do it! If my Mother-In-Law repeats the same thing over 4 times I will up my headphones on and ignore her! I know it is rude BUT it is rude for her to be so pushy.  My Mother-In-Law has learn not to repeat the same thing more than 3 times, so it works!
  5.  Even if she offers to pay do not accept. Most of the time it comes with strings attached. You also do not want her to think your opinion is up for sale!

I personally paid for 95% of the wedding because I saw how Mother-In-Law treated BIL and SIL when they got married and I was not going to put myself in that position. She would constantly remind them she was paying and they had to do what she wanted. Poor BIL and SIL, I saw them on the phone for hours at a time trying to negotiate with her.  Your wedding should be a happy time!

For our wedding she tried to recruit my mom to agree with her that they, the mothers should plan the wedding. That did not go too well! My mom is awesome and her Mother-In-Law and mom try to highjack her wedding. She told her that it was ME AND Fiance at the time that were getting married not the mothers.  Now she tried to blame my approach as my mother’s influence but she is right! My mom did not raise no fool!

Do not budge! Please do not! You are setting the expectations on how far she can go before you draw the line. Oh and give your mom a heads up just in case.

 

Post # 11
Member
2473 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@anonymouse16:  lol, well thats the thing, shes only really ranted to Fiance about the whole grandkids thing when Im not around (so far) accept for that one comment about her “staying over”. The subject got changed so fast I didnt have time to respond. BUT I already have a plan!

coles notes version is Im going to draw up a document that outlines all of my/and FI’s possible concerns with her being out kids caretaker, and out list of boundaries and more or less “rules” if that situation would ever have a chance at working. I told Fiance I am going to have certain expectations for whoever is looking after my kids whether its your mom or not… and if he doesnt agree/do things my way shes OUT!

examples: currently Mother-In-Law works 7-8 hour shifts and shes EXHAUSTED all the time…. when we move we will be on the other side of the city and yes in rush hour traffic its going to take a long time, unless she gets up at like 5am…so Fiance and I work extended days = we leave house at 6:30am, home at 6-6:30, if she leaves right away or soon after she wont get home until like 7:30….thats an instant 12-14 hour day depending on when she leaves home and when she goes home….explain how she barely makes it now at 7-8 hours and in a few years shes gonna pull off 13 min??? thats EXACTLY why she commented about “staying over” all the time… over my dead body.

-her back and hips are totally SHOT (ya thats good when you have to be bending over and on/off/on/off the floor with a 1 yr old…),

-shes very set in her ways of raising kids and I dont agree with certain philosophies

-This is the one I feel will be the biggest issue……I dont think shes going to respect our private time if she gets the keys to our house… I know (bet money on) the fact that she sees this as her way of getting her son back in her life (always complaining about how much she sees us/meaning him). So do I think when we come home shes going to leave??? hell no, shes going to want to stay and spend time with FI!! And well.. if my 1 yr old goes to bed at 7:30-8pm that gives me an hour of mommy time and I dont want ALL my time with my child during the week to be with my Mother-In-Law over my shoulder… like thats 5 hours a week to see my kid. I want whoever is taking care of them (no personal offence) to get the fack out so I can see my kid and husband…. and that goes for his mom/my mom/a nanny whatever!

Fiance of course whos super close to her thought it would be nice to have his mom around but once I explained as much as I like your mom… I dont want her in my face every waking moment of my day… just like Im sure you wouldnt like MY MOM there everytime you wake up, and get home and she doesnt leave until its like bedtime??? as much as he likes my mom, he see’s my point lol

Family is super important to him which is good but I explained in terms of boundaries…. this isnt going to come out right but your mom isnt MY mom… and my mom isnt YOUR mom…so you have to realise that for the non-child its an imposition.

Post # 12
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Wow is all I can say!!! But your not alone, my future mother in law or I like to call her FML, is about to get un-invited!! My fiancé and I have been together for 11 years we have a 9 year old we were planning to get married way back when I was 3 months pregnant, till my Fiance and I got in a huge fight and we almost split and FML told him he shouldn’t marry me, real nice, we made it through that had our ups and downs we were gonna try again in 2009 but his sister got engaged and everything was about her the place where I wanted to have my reception FML said was tacky and ugly and guess what his sister got married there, and we weren’t invited to the wedding and my daughter who was 7 then wasn’t even asked to be in the wedding but that’s fine, we were all in the middle of a family war, but his sister said she sent us invited we just never got it, that’s fine, then oh his other sister gets married we were still not talking with FML or his step dad oh yeah step dad and my fiancé had a fight and step dad said why don’t u ur fat girl friend and daughter drop dead (heard it my self speaker phone) back to 2nd sister she asked if our daughter could attend her wedding without us there um Noooo so now finally we got engaged again and picked our anniversary to be our wedding date well guess who has a probl FML asked if we could change our date cause both sisters are pregnant and due within weeks of our date um too bad we booked the wedding since SIL is pregnant I’m not having her as a bm that was fine till they heard I asked Fiance cousin to be bm I’m very close to her and next issue is my dad passed away 10 years ago so were skipping the mother son dance which Fiance wants to but FML is upset and doesnt understand. I can only imagine what’s gonna happen next

Post # 13
Member
9 posts
Newbee

Ugh! I know what you mean except my fmil drives me crazy by not coming to me directly if she has an issue with me but she’ll play it off like there’s nothing wrong or you don’t need to do this or that I’ll(her) take care of it. But apparently she does have an issue with me not doing that or this and who does she blow up at? No other than my fiance! Like yesterday her and I had a pretty good afternoon together just chatting and watching t.v but today I guess when my fiance showed up to their work all she did was complain to him about me about me not having a job or what am I going to do about it. I don’t have a job but that doesn’t me I’m not trying! It’s especially hard since I can’t commute because his truck has poor gas mileage and as we all know gas prices are through the roof plus it doesnt help I live in a small town but how embarassing for her to bring it up at her workplace! Sorry for the vent but I can’t help it! Frown

Post # 14
Member
79 posts
Worker bee

My Future Mother-In-Law is driving me nuts too! We eloped because my husband is in the AF i needed to get on his orders ASAP, we did tell our parents and clostest friends it was happening and when and even had a photographer come out so we could share pictures of our big day. We are now planning a celebration on our 1 year anniversary. 

Now on to why my Future Mother-In-Law drives me insane..

1. She threw a toddler tantrum when she wasnt allowed to go with me to the bridal salon to pick out my elopement dress. ( I am from TX and she lives in MN)

2. I try to be nice and keep her in the loop on wedding planning as much as i can and include pictures of things i would like at my wedding and the general theme i am trying to accomplish. then she will reply that she just doesnt get it and would like me to explain is more, even after i include pictures.

3. We are paying for this whole wedding ourselves with none of our paretns help and when i wanted to not even have a celebration she had the biggest fit and doesnt understand why we wouldnt have one for her. I mainly didnt want to waste 12k to have a second wedding just for her. Our original date was 9/1 but then she said she wouldnt attend that day because my husbands dad would have to ask off an extra day or work and they didnt think it was worth it, I had to move it to a Monday, 12/30…

4. I have explanined to her that we were going to tell all family and friends that we eloped via annoucements and i gave her a list of all of her family that my husband wants there from his side and we needed their addresses. well i get the list of addresses with 10 extra families included that we didnt invite. we only ordered a certain number of elopement annoucements so we dont even have enough to send out to the extra people she put on the list. So after i told her NUMEROUS times about how we were going to tell everyone about our wedding, I spent 200$ on our elopement annoucments and was going to wait til our save the dates came in to mail them together to save on postage. The day i booked my venue, which was Saturday (so i havent even ordered my Save-The-Date Cards yet!) she blasted our elopement with the ONE wedding picture we sent her ALL OVER FACEBOOK!!!!!! i was so mad. multiple people had liked and commented on it before we saw it was up there. I feel like i have now wasted 200$ and she stole our thunder from announcing it before we had a chance to mail them out. She doesnt understand what she did was wrong and said it was her FB and she didnt need to take it down. 

That was the last straw for me and I am now no longer talking to her about the wedding or much of anything unless it is an emergency. I dont know what else to do! 

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