Post # 1
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee
Hello Ladies!
I haven’t been on in almost a year since my engagement! Update is we set our date and are planning away. But of course I’m having issues with his mother.
She was never mean to me but never nice either. She always seems to find things to knit pick or point out (like my weigh, my make up or how I dress or the fact that I’m 30 and working a part time job). My wonderful Fiancé has spoken to her and spoken to her with me there and nothing seems to work. I’m at my wits end and wonder if I just just give up trying to have a good relationship with this woman and accept she isn’t going to like me.
It seems like her and his entire half of the family doesn’t take our marriage seriously. I’ve asked for addresses to get a headcount of who’s coming and about 10 people responded and if I ask his mother she says she will get them or doesn’t respond (I’ve only asked twice)
So my question is: Should I just drop it? Accept his mother and his family don’t like me or keep trying? Or is it possible I’m being over sensitive? I can fill in with different instances of his mother being rude or inappropriate if anyone wants to hear.
Post # 2
Member
6167 posts
Bee Keeper
Her commenting on your weight is out of line and I would shut that shit down every time she did it – to the point of rudeness, even, personally. That, to me, is the same as some of the posts we’ve seen where bees are being harrassed by their SOs fathers or brothers. Completely unacceptable.
Separately, you may have to just accept that she does not like you. Which sucks and can be awkward but it is what it is.
Why are YOU having to reach out to her for addresses for the wedding. What is your Fiance doing? It should be his job to get addresses for attendees from his mother who has already been entirely too comfortable disrespecting you.
Last thing – Not that it’s her business at all, but why are you only working part time? How long do you expect this arrangement to last? Does your working part time put strain on your finances or mean that Fiance is picking up the slack? Between us, I would have some concerns if my son was dating a grown woman with only a part time job and he was having to pick up her slack. But I don’t think healthy, able bodied adults should be taken care of by their partners without good reason. However, knowing all of that, if my son and his SO made that agreement between the two of them, I’d probably roll my eyes and shut up.
Post # 3
Member
871 posts
Busy bee
dilynrae : I disagree when you say she’s never been mean to you, if she’s making negative comments about your weight and your make-up she IS being mean to you. This is unacceptable. If your fiance has tried talking to her and she still keeps doing it, the two of you- as a united front- will have to take a much firmer stand. For example if you go over to her house for dinner and she starts making her nasty little comments, the both of you get up and leave and don’t go back without a sincere apology and the assurance that it won’t happen again. Your fiance has to make it very clear to his mother that he will not tolerate her disrespecting you like this.
I do share TwilightRarity : ‘s questions/ concerns about why you’re only working part time- is this a new thing or have you always worked part time? Do you still live at home or with your fiance? If you live with your fiance, does he make enough for the two of you to live comfortably? Have the two of you had to borrow money from them? Are you a recent graduate? Are you seeking full time work? Do you have a physical or mental health issue that prevents you from working full time hours? Unless this is an arrangement the two of you have deliberately chosen and it works well for you (ie he works 50-60 hours/ week and you work 20/30 but do the lion’s share of cooking and cleaning and you’re both good with this), then she needs to back off. But if she has genuine concern for how the two of you will manage, can’t really fault her for that- though she needs to lay off the other comments and express any genuine concern decently, not toss out barbs and snark.
Post # 4
Member
7892 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
dilynrae : I’m going to disagree with previous posters and say it’s none of your FMIL’s business why you work part time. So long as you and your fiance are happy with your arrangement that is all that matters. Don’t justify yourselves to her or anyone else.
As for the wedding planning, your fiance should be in charge of getting addresses for his guests so I would hound him to hound his family. Give them a deadline and if you don’t have addresses then those people don’t get invited. Nothing you can do about people who don’t like you so focus on the people who care and want to be there.
Lastly – the comments about your appearance can be shut down hard. A simple “I don’t want your opinion on my appearance” and walking away is perfect. Repeat as necessary.
Post # 5
Member
542 posts
Busy bee
dilynrae :
Never seek love or approval from people who have shown that they don’t like you. It will only make them disrespect you even more. Be polite but keep your distance as much as possible.
It’s great that your fiance has spoken to his mother about the way she treats you. However, I think more drastic measures need to be taken. Perhaps taking a break from contact might be healthier and it will also send a message to your Mother-In-Law.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with working part time or even not working at all if it works for you and your fiancee. If you can afford that kind of lifestyle then I don’t see what the big deal is.
Post # 6
Member
62 posts
Worker bee
I don’t understand what is wrong with working part time. Not all women HAVE to work full time or even at all. We are expected to work full time and basically do all/most of the household work too and it is a little crazy at times how much women have to do these days. And before anyone asks – I work full-time plus a second job, so i am NOT speaking as someone who works part time. Maybe I wish – lol. But, I see nothing wrong with that considering how much other responsible women have.
Post # 7
Member
549 posts
Busy bee
- Wedding: September 2020 - Summer Camp!
Hmm, your fiance should be the one to address his side of the family. However, does he have a father or sibling he can coordinate with instead, since she’s not helping out? If so, you should both try to ignore her.
Post # 8
Member
5564 posts
Bee Keeper
Interesting that you only specify that not all women have to work full time and not just people. daisyqueen :
Post # 9
Member
5564 posts
Bee Keeper
Op it looks like you have had a rough past with your Mother-In-Law, sorry she is being cruel and making comments about your weight.
For things like the addresses you need to be blunt and not a puss over. It doesn’t mean they don’t care about the wedding it just means they are lazy, however that isn’t going to cut it. You need to tell your fiancé he either gets the addresses by the end of he weekend or they won’t be invited, it’s as simple as that. Particularly if these are people you are only inviting due to Mother-In-Law.
Post # 10
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee
TwilightRarity :
The part time thing ends as soon as possible. Long story short I lost my full time job after my dad passed away, instead of giving me the time I requested to recover from the loss the company let me go. I took the first job that came my way which was promised full time and after I accepted it they turned around and said they hired someone else and wanted to break my position down to part time. I pay my own bills out of money I saved and I’d like to point out she had no problem when her Son worked part time for 2 years while I worked two jobs.
He offered to get the addresses but I thought it would be a good way for me to bond with his mother so I suggested I reach out to her. After the last incident, he said he’s going to deal with it and if she won’t provide addresses well then I guess we will have a very small wedding lol!!!
Post # 11
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee
I think she uses the part time thing as a way to beat down on me since I’ve been looking for work weather it be a second part time job or a full time job. We’ve never had to borrow money we’ve never missed a bill it’s just one more thing for her to knit pick.
The most recent occurrence happened a week ago: she constantly sends me job applications saying “good options here” and it’s stuff like: janitor or maid. I’m looking for a career in banking or customer service she knows this, it’s where all my experience is. So I have an interview tomorrow. I told her because I’m so sick of her calling or texting or sending me things on Facebook. Instead of thinking positive she tells me not to tell anyone and starts to lay into me about how I post too much on Facebook. To the point where she went to my page and found stuff I posted months ago, in talking 5-6 months ago and screen shots it as proof! The fiancé was mad and we made a decision that she’s not worth my stress.
She picks on my make up because I can’t manage eye liner so I use eye shadow with a fine point brush and I have green eyes so I use a very dark green to make my eyes pop she calls this immature. My dress is jeans, sneakers and band Ts which is also immature according to her.
Post # 12
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee
daisyqueen : I had issues and lost my old job and took the first one I could find which I was mislead and it turned out to be part time when they promised full time. I posted more details in another reply.
Post # 13
Member
244 posts
Helper bee
I don’t have a bunch of time and I’ve skimmed PPs comments and they’re offering great advice.
I only wanted to add, if you haven’t already, please check out DWIL Nation (search the name online). It honestly helped me so much in understanding boundaries. I’ve never posted, but I read the threads, and those alone have given me massively helpful nuggets of advice. Good luck, bee!
Post # 14
Member
372 posts
Helper bee
I actually don’t really have any advice but she really does sound like a turd. I don’t think this is a you issue, it sounds like her. I would just accept that she will not like you. When you stop trying so hard she may lay off a bit. I’m glad your fiancé is supportive.
Post # 15
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee
beantime : I know I know. It just really wanted a good relationship with this woman and I don’t see what I did wrong. But my Fiancé did tell me she’s been like this with every woman he’s been with, he said even one girl left him because of her. So essentially I’m the one who loves him enough to put up with her lol! Or stupid…
Member