Future Mother in Law disrespectful

posted 4 months ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
530 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2019

I wouldn’t keep trying. My husband’s mom and most of his siblings don’t seem to care that I exist or that we’re married. They’re kind of an odd family in general. One of his sisters, who used to be a friendly acquaintance of mine, hated it when we got together and has been a crab for the last 5 years. After the first couple I was like screw it, I’m not going to waste my energy, they can think whatever they want. I’m not a big fan of half of them anyway. 

Post # 18
Member
2958 posts
Sugar bee

As others have said, you can’t make people like you. You can be warm, charming, kind, intelligent, witty, humorous, caring, thoughtful, attentive, organised, diligent, solvent, heroic, moral and lovable – and guess what, they still don’t like you.

So why don’t they like you, you might ask.

Maybe you have all the attributes that they secretly want. Maybe you are a threat to a particular relationship. Maybe they need something to hate or to gossip about to distract from their own frustration or shortcomings. Maybe you remind them of someone they disliked. Maybe they feel competition with anyone of the same gender. Maybe they are bored and just need an easy, albeit critical, topic of conversation. Maybe they criticise because they want to feel that their advice is needed. Maybe they have discovered criticism and guilt are effective ways to control people. Maybe they are cliquey and like to think of themselves as insiders and everyone else as outsiders. Maybe they are mean-spirited or mentally ill. Whatever it is, it isn’t caused by you. You are not to blame. (I repeat, you are not to blame.) Nor can you fix it. What you can do is be very clear about your boundaries.

If your future mother-in-law has been mean to your fiance’s previous girlfriends then it isn’t too surprising if she is mean to you. In fact, if you are a fiance and future wife, rather than merely a girlfriend, then I would guess that she is going to be even meaner because you are much more of a threat.

This is likely to continue until you and your fiance get married. Once you are married either your mother-in-law will wisely realise you are a permanent fixture and try to get on with you or she will foolishly just carry on being mean until (or if) you have children. Then she will wisely realise that if she is going to see her grandchildren she will have to be pleasant to you and obedient to your wishes or she will foolishly carry on being mean and have a very lonely old age. So, the decisions are hers to make.

What you have to do is decide what you want in the long term. Don’t think about it in terms of individual events in the past. Think about what you want over the next year, 5 years, 20 years, and think about the minimum you can expect out of the relationship. 

I would suggest you go for respect. This means you and your future husband need to sit down and decide what is acceptable and what is unacceptable now. Then, if your mother-in-law does anything disrespectful he and you can jump on it immediately. It’s like dealing with a small child. You can still be honourable and pleasant but you do have to be firm and consistent.

If there are any of her other daughter-in-laws or son-in-laws with whom she is equally abrasive then make the most of it. There is strength in numbers and power in conspiratorial winks. 

If people cannot be bothered to come to your wedding or cannot be bothered to be nice to you then there is no requirement for you to feel any responsibility towards them. You can fill any void with close friends – those to whom you really matter.

Good luck.

Post # 19
Member
2958 posts
Sugar bee

Looking at your previous posts it is clear that your mother-in-law isn’t normal. She banned you from her husband’s funeral and copied keys to spy into your accommodation. Your fiance’s brother is having counselling because of how your mother-in-law treated him. Your mother-in-law also did something nasty to your cat. 

This means that you mustn’t go around trying to make your mother-in-law like you. It is her job to make you like her by being kind and pleasant and respectful and honest and cat-friendly. And the same for the rest of the family. If they don’t like you then it is huge loss – for them. For you it is no loss at all.

Don’t spend your life trying to make nasty people love you. You’ve had abusive parents yourself and this creates a hole in your life. You have to fill it with people who love you. Your husband loves you and will be your family. If you have children they will love you and be your family. Close friends (already existing or future friends) will become your family. You get to choose your family.

Post # 20
Member
871 posts
Busy bee

dilynrae :  thank you for clarifying the part time thing- and absolutely I’m on your side after what you posted- in fact, limit what she can see on your Facebook if she’s going to be so bloody judgmental (unfriending her would be tempting, but too much drama- but you can limit what she sees)

On a general note- I was asking OP why she worked part time because there are so many scenarios for this (whether it’s the male or female working part time). If it’s understandable circumstances, like OP’s and several other scenarios, then Mother-In-Law needs to be supportive or STFU. If it’s something the couple has decided together, then whatever works for them- even if one partner doesn’t work at all. But there are also scenarios where, as a mom, I would question it- as in one partner chronically underemployed and no interest in changing this despite this causing financial hardship. But this doesn’t appear to be OP’s situation. 

In fact- one thing is unfortunately very telling about your situation OP- you say your Future Mother-In-Law had no problem with her son working part time while you worked 2 jobs. Sadly this huge double standard means I doubt she’ll ever treat you fairly. I’m especially doubtful when you say this woman has caused trouble in your fiance’s previous relationships. You tried your best to have a relationship with this woman but she’s a mean spirited and very biased woman, you can’t change this. What you can change however is how you deal with her. Don’t go out of your way for someone who treats you with disrespect, make clear boundaries and stick to them. And your fiance needs to step up big time here- he can SEE history repeating itself here. He even had someone break up with him over the issue of his mother’s behaviour. He has to put you first and take a much stronger line with his mother. 

Post # 22
Member
754 posts
Busy bee

 

Whenever she says something just twirl around and pretend you’re looking for something then prentend you’re holding something in your hand and blurt out, “OMG! Look! I found your nose in my business again!”

Other bees already gave some great advice. I am just trying to lighten your mood a little bit. I had a Mother-In-Law from hell so I don’t have the ‘best’ or ‘most acceptable’ advice. Though I never said anything like the above to her but I thought of it a million times in my head. Lol! I just went out of my way to ignore her.

Post # 23
Member
669 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Let your fiancé get the addresses. If you don’t get the addresses in time to invite certain people then that is too bad. If your Mother-In-Law doesn’t like it then she should get you the addresses. 

My advice is to accept that she does not like you but do not let her make those comments, tell her that she is out of line. However, don’t expect her to ever be sorry, and it might even be best to not expect her to stop. MILs who are they ignorant don’t learn anything from being put in their place. Be as nice as you have to but keep contact minimal. If she doesn’t like it then she can learn to treat you better. 

Post # 25
Member
669 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

That is great! First of all, congrats on the new job. But also, it sounds like you are handling this well! Bravo! Congrats threefold (I’m getting married too lol).:)

dilynrae :  

Post # 26
Member
669 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Oh and SHE is the negative one, not you!!!

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