(Closed) Future-Mother-In-Law hijacking wedding cake!

posted 10 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
315 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Maybe you could have a traditional wedding cake in whatever flavors you choose, and then a grooms cake or side cake in the puerto rican rum flavor?  Your Future Mother-In-Law sounds like she’s just assumed that’s the flavor you two are going with, because it’s traditional.  It’s always hard to go against tradition but if you don’t want that cake style, say so! It’s your wedding, your cake.

Post # 4
8734 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

Could you possible have a smaller “Grooms cake” as well that is the traditional rum cake (if that’s not what you want as your wedding cake)? That way she and her family could be appeased, but you still have the cake you want.

Post # 6
1551 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I think there are two separate issues here.  One is about cake, the other is about your FMIL’s intervention.

I think you need to talk to your husband about both.  It sounds like this particular kind of cake is important not only to her, but to him.  And it sounds like you understand and respect their reasoning.

But the way your Future Mother-In-Law has made this demand request is another story.  Can you somehow explain to your Fiance that while you understand and support their wish for this cake, it is the way his mother is demanding requesting it that is making you uncomfortable?  It is really up to him to deal with her.  Maybe if HE reassured her that he had input into the cake process and it was under control, she’d let up.

Could you perhaps do the cake they want as a groom’s cake and have whatever cake you were already planning on as a wedding cake?  Would that be an acceptable compromise?

Post # 7
1119 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I would thank her for her suggestions and go ahead with what I was already planning. If your fiance has suddenly become genuinely interested in that flavour, maybe make it a groom’s cake or a tier of your cake. But I wouldn’t give in on the whole thing.

Post # 8
1043 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

First off, call the bakery she made the appointment at and let them know you’re not coming if you don’t intend to show up. 

You get the cake where you and your Fiance want, not where she wants. She’s not paying, so she has NO SAY.

Post # 9
1850 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I think the grooms cake being in that flavor is brilliant!

Post # 10
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Personally, I would get the cake that you and fiance want then have your fiance deal with her.

You could  have a “faux cake” (a cake with one real layer you cut into and the rest is styrofoam covered with frosting). Have sheet cakes in the back for guests in the traditional PR cake, something you love, and maybe another option. 

I totally get why you’re upset about the tone. My Mother-In-Law does something very similar when she wants her way, but she does it in a very passive persistent way. If you tell her what she doesn’t want to hear she turns on the sadness.

Post # 10
47407 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Sometimes I think weddings were invented to teach young people how to stand up to their relatives.

I would just plaster a smile on my face, thank her for her research and tell her that we hadn’t made a decision yet and would let her know when we did.

You will also need to communicate to your Fiance that your wishes and dreams for your wedding cake also need to be taken into consideration. Compromise is also one of the lessons that we alll need to learn at some time.

The easy way out of course, is to have a small groom’s cake to honor his (and more importantly-his mother’s heritage).

Here’s a link where one of the responses gives some history to how the Peurto Rican wedding cake came about:


Post # 11
1551 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

View original reply
@futuremrshc:  Normally, I’d agree that she has no say, but it seems a small compromise to have this cake as a groom’s cake or as one tier of the wedding cake if it will keep peace in the extended family.  I think you have to pick your battles and this is probably one that isn’t worth fighting, though I agree that really Future Mother-In-Law has no say in it.

Post # 15
2637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

All the bees said exactly what I was thinking and go the route of using her idea for a grooms cake.  I think that would work out wonderfully.  She gets her PR rum cake and you get the wedding cake you envisioned.

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