(Closed) Future Mother In-Law hired photographer without telling me

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
121 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I wouldn’t cave on this. It’s absurd for her to just go ahead and make plans without your approval, if you haven’t explicitly asked her to do so.

It’s not her wedding; why is she making this decision on her own? Get the one you want.

Post # 4
1868 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@elliebean14:  +1

I think it’s great that they are helping so much and are funding so much, but that does not mean that decisions get to be made by her and only her without your input. ESPECIALLY something as important as a photographer. I spent months looking at different photographers to find the one I wanted. I would’ve flipped a lid if anyone told me that they booked one for me. That’s crazy. I think your Mother-In-Law needs to be aware that you like your photographer more and that you’d prefer yours. I’d also kindly ask that in the future, nothing gets booked without your approval as you, the bride, needs to know what’s going on with your wedding. If she’s truly nice and kind hearted, she should understand. 

I still can’t believe she just booked one without your okay. Did you fiancé know what was going on? 

Post # 5
3688 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Why did you start a second thread?

Post # 6
496 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Definitely go with the photographer you love and explain to your Mother-In-Law that unfortunately you have already put a deposit down and are going to stick with your choice. It’s going to bug you for the rest of your life if your wedding pictures are sub-par or not to your taste, so you should really stand your ground on this one.

Post # 7
720 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

No way, that’s ridiculous! You should check if MIL’s choice does videography too and if you could have that photographer do that as a way to appease the Mother-In-Law, in case you were already considering videography. It could be a good compromise.

Post # 8
1671 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Church

@rosegoldwedding:  Explain to her that you are flattered but you had found a photographer you had loved. I personally think it is verystrange that she would justgo and book a photographer.  The other thing is a lot of photographers have in their contract that they are the only studio working for you, so you will need to explain that to her. This is what my photographer told me and it is in our contract that we signed. It’s too bad she did this because she is trying to be nice and sweet in a misguided way.

Post # 10
9954 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

To @cmbr:  Guessing that the OP started a second thread cause she is NEW to WBee, and didn’t realize that most of the regulars look at the WBee Boards at the highest directory level (ALL Posts).

She’s put one topic on the Family Board and one on the Etiquette Board… so it makes sense to me.

— — —

Etiquette Snob here… lol

From that POV, you did nothing wrong… she did.

She overstepped her bounds without talking to you as the Bride… taking that things are still clear cut between you guys on You & The Groom are the Hosts, and not the Parents (his or yours)

You might want to have a discussion on that aspect… so there are no future misunderstandings.


IF the event is on their turf (Ceremony & Reception) and they are paying the bulk of the funds, then it could be said that they are Indeed the Hosts.

(Traditionally etiquette wise one doesn’t host a party that is held in their honour… Modern etiquette does a “fudge” on this for Weddings however)

So it could be a misunderstanding on how things are unfolding… Traditiional vs Modern.

There is nothing wrong with going the Traditional Route, with his Parent’s being the Hosts… infact with EXCELLENT Communication it can be ultimate of situations for a couple

BUT it could also mean that your Parents feel left out of the process… in which case you might want to go more the Modern route… and stake out the nice SAFE middle ground

In either case…

You guys definitely need a sit down heart-to-heart to work out the entire event… vision to reality, and who is going to be responsible for what etc.

Hope this helps,


Post # 11
1547 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Talk to your FMIL’s photographer and tell him/her what’s going on and that you already hired someone else.

Post # 12
2488 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Is she paying for all of the photography?

If so just have two photographers?

Post # 13
2532 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Call the photograhper and cancel the contract. You don’t have to go into much detail, but you should explain a little bit of what happened.

Ask him for a refund, but I wouldn’t be too bent up if someone lost their deposit on a service for my wedding that I didn’t even know about – that is most certainly not my problem, it’s yours for assuming you knew what I wanted.

Post # 14
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

As a photog and future bride ill give you my two pennies. 🙂

You and your groom have every right to choose your Vendors. It’s great that Mother-In-Law wants to help,  but you should tell her the predicament. She might just apologize for over stepping. She might not have even realized she did anything wrong. Open up to her. If she fights it stand your ground.


as a photog consider that most have a non refundable deposit. Both photogs are expecting the business so don’t be surprised if its not as easy to get the money back. Especially if one of them lost business by having your date already booked. Read your contracts carefully and be honest with both photographers. Hopefully it’ll all work out. 


Good luck! If you have any questions feel free to ask! 

Post # 15
453 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Whaaatt… Perhaps it’s because I love photography, but if I’d had the budget to hire a professional photographer, the choice would be sacred to me. I mean, these are the pictures you and FDH will be looking at for the rest of your lives. Go with the photographer you love.

It sounds like your Future Mother-In-Law did this out of a good heart. I would let her know that, while you appreciate her willingness to give you this gift, you’ve already put down your deposit and you’d like to go ahead with your own photographer. I also see from your other thread that your mom wanted to pay for the photog, so I would explain this while again thanking Future Mother-In-Law for her generosity. Maybe ask if she can try to get her deposit back, or offer to call the photographer yourself and explain the situation?

Post # 16
6530 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

@rosegoldwedding:  i would not let this slide. Pictures are forever. T

You should decide who you want and what kind of style you are going for.

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