Future mother-in-law is always hurting my feelings

posted 2 months ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
549 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Oh Bee, that is so horrible and I’m sorry you’re going through a difficult FMIL during what should be a happy time in your life. 

I’m sure that without a doubt you’re going to look AMAZING on your wedding day. Your fiance chose you over thousands of women! He has eyes only for you! 

Your FMIL and FSILs could just be jealous over your realtionship, if not your body itself. 

Perhaps be more stern with your feelings towards your fiance and ask for his help instead of him strugging if off?? I know it’s an annoying conversation but at least one that might help. I know standing up to your FMIL isn’t exactly the easiest thing, but it is your wedding and not hers!

We all have our insecurities! And we all look beautiful on the day that matters! 

Post # 3
Member
4783 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

gardener09 :  Don’t let anyone steal your joy.  Your FI needs to shut them down firmly.   Google “DWIL nation” for more support – it looks like a “baby” site but there is terrific advice on dealing with in-laws.  Wishing you strength.  

Post # 4
Member
368 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

Asking her own son about his fiance’s boobs is so beyond icky and creepy. I’m sorry bee. I personally would limit all contact with her to the absolute minimum and make sure FI understands fully how you feel and how to support you.

Post # 5
Member
6697 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2050

gardener09 :  It must be really hard to hear criticism like that all the time. Do you live with them? I’m trying to figure out why they were around and your fiance wasn’t. If I were in your position, I would spend as little time as possible with them, especially if he’s not even there. 

Post # 6
Member
2510 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 1995

Cut her off next time she starts this cap with  a stern “lady you need to mind your own f-ING business!*

She can plan her own daughter”s wedding when the time comes. Thus is YOUR wedding!

Tell FI to have a private talk with her and sternly let her know this stops now or she is out  of the wedding and he and you will no longer be visiting or welcome her into your home. 

She is doing this because she is getting away with it. You both need to call he r out. 

Post # 7
Member
45652 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Have you ever tried speaking up when she says something hurtful?

  • Give a direct response to acknowledge that a comment is rude and to stop it in its tracks. For instance, “That was mean. Please stop.”
  • Don’t get defensive — concede the truth in their words, but ignore their negative behavior completely. For example, if someone says something about how awful you look, you might respond with, “I’m tired today. How have you been?”
  • Rudeness seeks to make others feel child-like and weak, so counter a biting statement with the tone of a reprimanding parent, like “If you have nothing nice to say, please don’t say anything at all.”
Post # 8
Member
657 posts
Busy bee

What??? Is this supposedly grown ass woman really trying to bully you about your cup size? Is this middle school? Is she overweight? It could be that she’s jealous of your slim figure. 

That is absolutely terrible, but if it’s any consolation, there’s something very wrong with her. I’d ignore her as best I could (I know it’s hard!) and just try to accept that she’s crazy and terrible. 

At least your fiance has no trouble putting her in her place, which puts you in a better situation than 90% of the bees with awful mothers-in-law. 

Post # 9
Member
2309 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter's Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

The “that’s just how she is” comment makes me furious.  Next time your FI says that, tell him that you are not going to stand for her rudeness and bullying, and “that’s just how I am.”  He needs to know in no uncertain terms that he has to stand up for YOU, the woman he has chosen to marry, against his awful mother.  Pre-marital counselling might be helpful for the two of you.

You also need to lay down boundaries – next time she says or asks something obnoxious, call her out.  Say “why would you say that?” and watch her struggle for an answer.  If she does it when your FI is out of the room, when he comes back, say “honey, your mom just asked me xxxx.  What do you think about that?”.  He’ll soon realise that he needs to have your back.

Post # 10
Member
3192 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I would keep all interactions with her to a minimum and ask your FI to intervene anytime she starts in on you.

She also might not really “see” herself and her behavior. It’s possible that she thinks she’s just an “honest” or “blunt personality and doesn’t realize that her behavior is bullying.

As a PP said, her commenting on your breast size to her son is inappropriate and it was nice that your FI stood up for you but she really needs to get the point that messing with you, period, is off limits.

I don’t know how to tell you what to do about it, though, because if you’re not really a confrontational person (and she’s a walking talking confrontation) it’s hard to find a reliable course of action that you can use whenever she opens her mouth other than walking away or telling her to stop and then walking away if she continues.

She seems like she’s simultaneously overly familiar yet doesn’t seem to know you very well.

Post # 11
Member
2474 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

I would ask her why she was so obsessed with my breasts.

Also sorry but I find your FI’s response to her pretty weird. Why talk about saggy boobs instead of just going wtf Mom?  

Post # 12
Member
5162 posts
Bee Keeper

KiwiDerbyBride :  

Such good advice . Simply saying ” What do you mean” Or “why do say/think that?”  and of course , saying “FI , what does your mum mean ” I( in front of her )  is a  great ploy.

Personally  I have to say I’m not crazy about your FI’s  ‘they won’t get old and saggy ‘response., I can see he meant well, but it’s not the point.  The inappropriateness  of the whole thing is the point .  Plus we are all going to get old and saggy at some point  , and shouldn’t  use women’s body types as insults ( even if they are awful women ! ) 

Post # 13
Member
158 posts
Blushing bee

I kind of understand his response to his mom about your breasts. It’s not the perfect response but going “WTF mom” would just make her convinced that he is secretly diasppointed. 

Post # 14
Member
3703 posts
Sugar bee

KiwiDerbyBride :  +1. And OP, just based on what you posted here, I suspect that when you do call her out and ask why she said that, she’ll say she was just kidding. Don’t back down. Say “well I didn’t find that funny, so I’d appreciate it if you didn’t joke like that in the future.”

Post # 15
Member
285 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Look her straight in the eye next time she makes a boob comment, smile, and say “well at least mine don’t rest on my knees when I sit down” give her a once over and walk away. 

 

F that asshole. Your fiancé should stand up for you. 

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