Future mother in law is becoming a monster(vent, long)

posted 1 year ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
11 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2017

Wow that is definitely a monster-in-law! I extremely dislike my mother-in-law for many of the same reasons. Main reason being she is the most SELFISH and SELF ABSORBED person I have ever met. I wish I could tell you things get better but it hasn’t for me. I wanted to cancel the whole wedding just so I didn’t have to deal with her but we ended up going through things as planned and I just avoided her as much as possible. I still avoid her to this day and thankfully (like your mother-in-law) she lives in a different state. Be careful having kids because that is when she turned even more crazy!!!

I would just try to enjoy your wedding and the planning and focus on your future husband! It is amazing that he is on your side about everything and you guys can joke about the craziness!

Post # 3
Member
767 posts
Busy bee

She’s sounds like a trip! but honestly, I think she just wants to feel involved somehow. You’ve taken the money she lent you for the wedding and expect her to just disappear? Maybe you’re feeling upset that your own mom isn’t coming now (not sure the norm of relationship with your own mother)? There has got to be more to the story here. 

Post # 4
Member
7696 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Well isn’t she a peach?

You’ve learned to not borrow money from her in the future. You need to stop the information train–she can’t share details she doesn’t know. 

Traditionally everyone invited to the engagement party should be invited to the wedding. Is that not the case?

Post # 5
Member
1787 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

If you had a good relationship with her for 8 years and only had issues around wedding planning then I’d just chalk this up to excitement/not her best self and let it roll off. Be polite but don’t share more than needed info wise. She can’t take anything away from your wedding. Just be glad she seems to like you. 

Post # 6
Member
1058 posts
Bumble bee

Honestly a lot of your complaints seem kind of petty to me. Yes she seems annoying and kind of pushy but nothing really crazy. Uninviting her would be a massive overreaction. Have you communicated to her about certain things? Like the dyeing of the dress, and the specific reason you don’t want to share a car? The woman loaned you money; she shouldn’t be shut out of everything the way you seem to want.

 

Post # 7
Member
1237 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

I think she sounds every bit that bad–invasive, insensitive, controlling. Pay her back the money; uninvite her from the wedding; and stop seeing her.

Post # 8
Member
871 posts
Busy bee

To be honest, your own mom sounds worse than your Future Mother-In-Law. That doesn’t mean your FMIL’s behaviour is okay though. Let your fiance talk to her and be firm about boundaries. Try to include her in a few things so she’ll still feel involved but don’t share any details you want kept private. 

Post # 9
Member
25 posts
Newbee

You may want to give some thought to the role you’re playing in this. You do not sound really reasonable or sympathetic here.

For one, I doubt people were just texting you out of the blue after your FH’s surprise party to tell you that they thought your Future Mother-In-Law was weird because that would be, well, bizarre and disrespectful. It sounds like you made your displeasure with her public and then people validated your feelings.

Of course she’s telling people her son is engaged. Unless she’s, like, rushing to call your favorite aunt before you or something, who cares?

The fact that you’re secretly dying your dress is a big deal to you, maybe, but it is not a big deal to her, and the fact that she forgot to keep this pretty minor thing a ‘secret’ is…honestly, to be expected. 

Unless your Future Mother-In-Law shows up on your wedding day looking like she’s on her way to an adult film star convention, you do not have the right to tell her not to show cleavage at your wedding.

Her trying on bridesmaid’s dresses is odd, but it hurts you…how?

And the fact that she wouldn’t get into what sounds like a ridiculous fight with you over text, instead sending an emoji in agreement, cuts in her favor.

Ultimately, if she’s been good for the last almost-decade, I’d cut her a break on this petty stuff, like I hope she’s cutting you a break on some of your behavior which seems not great, either.

 

 

 

 

Post # 10
Member
977 posts
Busy bee

When it comes to interference from other people, yes it’s annoying, and yes it can feel relieving to vent, but for anything to change, you have to acknowledge and fix your own part in all of this.

Frankly, and almost without exception, people interfere in your life because you have allowed it to happen. If you are adults who are self-sufficient and live in your own home in a separate state, there’s really no excuse. 

If you want more ownership over your events and planning details, then be sparing with information that you share and with who you invite. Honestly, this is your wedding. No one can “take anything away” from you unless you let them. If it were me, I would just decide for myself what I wanted to include the mothers in, and then do that, and not apologise for it.

For instance, if you don’t want to invite her to the engagement party because you are worried she will make it all about her, have a “young people” celebration with your friends, and don’t tell her about it. If she asks, tell her you expect it to get a bit raucous, so it’s not for family, and then do a separate, more traditional family dinner on another occasion.

Honestly when it comes to things like this I’ve found that people will follow your lead. If you act awkward, they will act awkward. If you don’t put in proper boundaries, people’s issues will run the show. Just be calm, but firm, don’t apologise and make a big song and dance about things. Be kind, but not a pushover. It’s your life. Don’t act like a victim. (Also, as an aside, if I was worried about these kinds of issues, I would never, never borrow money from my in-laws. I’d rather get engaged in a $2 stainless steel ring than carry this kind of emotional cost, but that’s just me.)

Post # 11
Member
1753 posts
Buzzing bee

THis is totally manageagble but you are choosing to keep involving her and not standing up for yourself. 

When she started being crazy about information about your wedding you should have cut the information train right there. Instead you kept involving her. You say no she doesn’t hear it? Not your problem. She asks again you say, We talked about this and the answer is a NO. DO not ask me again about this. She asks again? You hang up the phone, walk away, put her in a timeout. Block her number and let your fiance deal with her. 

Post # 12
Member
794 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2005

You can not take someones money for your “big day” and then bitch when they want input. Sorry, thats not how it works. 

All the stuff you mentioned isnt life altering. Is she a little pushy? Yes but her son is getting married, that she is helping pay for. She is entitled to call her family and tell them. As for trying on bridesmaid dresses, not all mothers want to look like matrons. Maybe she wants something youthful looking. Again you cant tell her what to wear to a wedding she is helping pay for. As long as she doesnt show up in white or see through, be glad. 

If you didnt want her input then you should have declined her money. I wouldnt use the nuclear option and disinvite her to anything. If you do, you are guaranteeing a lifetime of ill will not only between you and her but between her and her son. 

 

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