Post # 1
Here is the situation. Currently I am engaged, and plan on getting married later this year. It is the best relationship, which I have ever been in. But we have a small issue. Her mother. It all started when her mom lost position in October 2011, and had a difficult time finding a new job. My fiancé and I live together in a three bedroom house. Naturally I recommended that her mom move in with us until she was able to find a new job. That was ten months ago. She found a position in March 2012.
Currently we are in the process of moving from a house to an apartment. We are downsizing so she can attend nursing school. My fiancé ants her mom to live with us in a two-bedroom apartment. My fiancé wants her mom to live with us for the rest of living days.
My fiancé’s position is, that “my mom with live with me, under the same room, for the rest of her life.” I am not ok with that
Her mother is healthy, and can live independently, her house is paid off, and makes enough money to pay her utilities, put gas in her car, and buy groceries. My future mother-in-law’s position is that she doesn’t want to be alone.
Currently there is a contract on the house, and there are decisions to be made.
My gut feeling tells me that, there is no reason why her mother has to live with us. I have offered to support in every way possible. Spending more time with her, providing financially, all the way to mowing her lawn.
What do you all think?
Post # 3
Wow. I would not be ok with that.
You guys need to time together as a couple. A two-bedroom apartment will be very close quarters, no privacy or alone time. You need time to be just the two of you, without your mother-in-law constantly in the background.
What if you moved to the same neighborhood? or same town? But you have to put up some boundaries.
I get that she doesn’t want to be alone and I feel sorry for her. But she can not depend on you guys 100%. She needs her own life, her own interests and needs to make some friends. It’s just not healthy.
Post # 4
Just another thought- I totally get that your fiance probably feels very responsible for her mother and doesn’t want to hurt her feelings but if you two are going to be married, she needs to respect your feelings too.
Post # 5
That would NOT be okay with me. If your Mother-In-Law is healthy, has her own income and can afford to live on her own, then there is NO reason for her to live with you.
Post # 6
Hell No. I would not get married under those circumstances. If she is perfectly healthy and financially able to live alone she needs to. Having your own family and home life is super important for a healthy and successful marriage in my opinion. I would not let this happen if my life depended on it!
Post # 7
I would definitely not be okay with that. It’s one thing to have a parent move in with you when they’re no longer able to care for themselves. But this is a different story. If this is something that you think will end up putting a strain on your relationship, then there has to be room for compromise. Maybe she can move into a nearby apartment?
Post # 8
I would also not be ok with that. I don’t think it’s good for yur marriage to start like that UNLESS Mother-In-Law wasn’t able bodied to live alone.
I think you need to work out a plan like a visiting schedule so you can spend plenty of time with her but she doesn’t impose on your marriage.
Post # 9
No way would I agree to my Mother-In-Law (or even my own parents or, basically anyone) living in our home indefinitely if there wasn’t a good reason. Not wanting to live alone isn’t a good reason. I don’t understand your FI’s reasoning at all. Why would she want to live with her healthy mother forever? You helped out family in a time of need; that need is over & I think you’re being great by offering all those other ways to support her. Good luck hashing this out with your FI!
Post # 10
Danger! Danger! This is not a good plan from any angle. As a Future Mother-In-Law myself, I would never impose on my children for this type of support. You are at different stages in your lives and you shouldn’t be compromising on this. There is a freedom that should be present when you are first married and focusing on each other which is just one thing that will be lost.
Your Future Mother-In-Law should work to join groups that interest her and will bring the opportunity for making friends and other activities. Your Future Mother-In-Law should have created a life for herself separate from her child, and if that had not been done, she should start now.
Post # 11
This would be a relationship-ending deal breaker for me.
Post # 12
I think your fiance is right and your Mother-In-Law should live with you guys for ever! Just kidding, no i dont, not at all. I love my mom and shes helped us sooo much but living with her for ever is a no go
Post # 13
I don’t know about you but a 2 bdrm apartment is small for two people, let alone three. What about plans for a family? Are you looking to start one soon? If so, where’s the space, time and finances for that?
I think you need to sit down with your Darling Husband and be straight with him. This sounds to me like a deal breaker for your marriage and he needs to be aware of that. If you don’t tell him the resentment you harbour will eventually kill it despite your best intentions. It’s just better for all parties involved for you to put it on the table now and let him know that you do not see “keeping” his mother as a long term solution. There can only be one alpha female per household. In your situation, you’ll always be the odd one out as Mom will stick with son, and vice versa, on any issues coming up. You’ve been more then gracious opening you home to her at a time of need.
I know what you are going through, as we put my mother up for a couple months when she lost her job. Mind you, we entered in to that ALL on the same page that it was only temporary and she was just as happy as we were when she reclaimed her independance.
Be honest, be firm and know that you are not being unreasonable is claiming your rightful space.
Post # 14
I am VERY close to my mom honestly a “cut the umbilical cord already” LOL and she does sooo much for me and for us, but i would not want my Fiance mom to live with us and I would not be unfair to my Fiance by asking him for my mother to move in if she is perfectly healthy and capable of living on her own. You and your Fiance are now a unit. You are both in the relationship- her mother is not, and although her mother being lonely is very sad and can cause your Fiance to feel guilty she needs to be fair not only to you but to herself to have a life without her moms 24/7 presence. You guys both need space to continue growing in your own relationship. I would be firm that she is not the only person in this relationship, tell her that although you love her mom, like spending time together and respect her, you are a grown adult and have a right to your own space and relationship. You don’t want to come off as being against her mom or she will most likely get defensive trust me lol. Good luck keep updated!!
Post # 15
Nope, would not be ok with that.
When my parents were dating my dad lived with his grandparents. He was in university in that city and his parents lived 3 hours away. Once they got married my mom was pressured into moving in with them. She always tells me how what should have been one of the most amazing times in their relationship (being newlyweds, being pregnant for the first time) was ruined by living with them.
Don’t do it. Find a way for your Fiance to see why you need your own space.
Post # 16
I wish I had some advice for you… but I was in this position in a previous relationship, and it was the end of the relationship. We were at the ring shopping stage, not engaged, but still. I had explained that if she was sick or disabled, I would have felt differently. He made me feel very selfish and guilty about it, and his mom made it clear she resented me for not being super psyched about the idea. I don’t regret walking away for a millisecond.