(Closed) Future Mother in law picked out Engagement ring

posted 9 years ago in Rings
Post # 3
Member
90 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2008

My mom had the same thing happen to her… except that she wanted yellow and recieved white.  My dad knows full well what she thinks now, but I doubt she mentioned it 30 years ago.  That is a tricky situation because the last thing you need is to start off on the wrong foot with your Mother-In-Law. Just flat out explain to your Fiance how you feel if it is that important to you, perhaps show him pics of the ring you wanted; it will be his job to explain to his mom if you change the ring.  Obviously do not bad mouth your Future Mother-In-Law, she probably has no clue what your jewelry tastes are. I don’t think your overreacting, your e-ring is important; however don’t hold this against anyone its not worth it.

Post # 4
Member
37 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Ok, so why did she pick out the ring and not your FI?  Im pretty sure i would be upset too.  That is something personal, that should be comming from his heart, not hers.  Thats really a tough one though.  If you take the ring back, then she will obviously know and in some way be offended.  But if you keep it, you are stuck with a ring that you dont love.  and you are the one who will be wearing it for the rest of your life.  Honsetly, i would would probably tell him to take it back and let him deal with his mother.  He can probably break it to her in a way that wont hurt her feelings.  Maybe he can just tell her that you really wanted white gold and not yellow.  Im sure she’d understand, and i bet she’d probably not want to wear a ring she wasnt in love with either.  Good luck with that and i’d love to hear how this turns out!

Post # 5
Member
228 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I agree with soontobetoews. Seriously your gonna wear this thing forever and you can deal with the fact that he had his mom pick it out, but you cannot deal with it being gold when you hate gold jewelry. Of course I am being pretty frank about the situation but your fiance should understand, he purchased it and it should matter to him whether or not you like it period and getting a different setting or whatever you decide to do is not all on you to tell your fmil, I would have him let her know. Everyone’s relationship is different with their in laws so it is hard to tell how your fmil will react so only you and your fiance can figure the best to let her know. Good Luck though with your decision!

Post # 6
Member
203 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I can understand that being tough but did he maybe just bring her along for a female opinion? My fiance did pick my ring out on his own but both his brothers brought his mom (funny she likes mine best). Regaerdless he paid for it and it is a symbol of his love and commitmemt to you, so I’d try not to dwell on the symbolic part of "who picked it" too much. But I totally understand where you are coming from on the gold. I hate gold, never wear it. Do you like the diamond? Do you like the setting or it just the band color? Resetting a ring into a white gold band I don’t think is unreasonable and I don’t think she should be offended. Good luck, speak your mind delicatlely on this one. You don’t want to be stuck with a ring you hate.

Post # 7
Member
1718 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2008 - Winery in the Gold Country

I would not be upset if my Fiance had his mother help him pick my ring.  (Actually, I’m pretty sure his dad helped him pick out my ring).  I’m willing to bet he wanted a female opinion, and to be honest it is his fault, not your MILs, that he didn’t know that you like silver/platinum/white gold over yellow gold. The fact that she helped pick out the ring symbolizes the fact that she approves of the marriage and probably loves you!

I think your Fiance and his mothers heart were in the right place. I don’t think it will be really that bad to tell have your Fiance casually mention to your Mother-In-Law during the holidays that you love your ring but you’re more of a white gold kind of gal.  I don’t think its an insult at all, as most women understand that everyone has a preference.  That would be a good way to "test the waters" on her reaction.  Ultimately, the goal for you is to get a new ring, without upsetting her… I’m willing to bet this hint is enough for your Mother-In-Law to say "oh, then you guys should exchange the ring for something she likes!"  

If she reacts poorly (i.e. she calls you ungrateful), then you might have to try another tactic. In the end its your ring and your life, and you should do what makes you and your Fiance happy… but I’d try that tactic first.

Post # 8
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I don’t know if I’d involve your Mother-In-Law in the ring replacement process/discussion at all. Even if she helped pick it out — even if she picked it out entirely on her own — it was your fiance who gave it to you, and it will be your fiance that goes with you to change it. Don’t make it about who picked it out, make it about its objective characteristics (like the type of metal). After it’s changed, if your Mother-In-Law comments on the difference, just say something like, "We decided to switch out the metal to one that I wear more often. Isn’t it beautiful?"

Post # 9
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • V
  • 9 years ago

I wouldn’t be so quick to blame him completely. My friend who recently got married and myself have been through a similar situation…excited but clueless FIs!!

my advice…IS NOT WORTH THE HASSLE…I understand and know that is not the ideal to have your Future Mother-In-Law pick out something so personal but it can be changed down the road.

My friend’s Mother-In-Law offered her some diamons from a ring she had to make a brand new wedding band..she was unsure but her Fiance jumped at the offer (it’s his mommy, after all)…they both had described the diamonds as small so my friend figured that she would learn to like it for the sake of family peace. Well, the diamonds are huge and the whole ring looks gaudy…she’ll wear it for a year and then will ‘upgrade’ to a smaller less flashy ‘anniversary’ ring. She had to compromise and it hurt.

In my case, my Fiance thought that his mother knew best about diamonds and jewelry…I don’t wear yellow gold and wanted a round stone…my Fiance hates yellow gold and princess cut…he told this to his mother…guess what she got? right, a yellow gold ring with a princess cut diamond! She was pressuring to buy it cause she had found a great deal…it was a very tricky situation to get out of and he learned his lesson….he had to buy one before she decided to surprise him with the purchase…we got what we wanted in the end…but we were ready to keep quiet for the sake of family matters. 

Compromise and ‘upgrade’ your setting as an anniversary present. Make him see how ‘romantic’ it would be if you guys chose your setting again and you could even use the yellow gold to make a small pendant for your future kid or as a present for you MIL! 

Post # 10
Member
343 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

My advice is to take a deep breath and try to remain calm and posisitve.  Your fiance is in a very sensitive situation, and if you’re not careful, you might hurt him very deeply.  He probably spent a lot of time and money planning to propose and buying the ring.  Just keep in mind how you would feel if you tried to do something this big for him, and then he later told you that you messed up.

I think it’s totally fine to talk to your fiance about the metal color and see if you can’t switch to something in white gold.  Just be very sensitive about it, and I wouldn’t bring up his mother or who picked out the ring.

Also, I would not be terribly hurt that your Future Mother-In-Law helped pick out the ring.  Lots of guys are 100% clueless about rings, so they just end up buying whatever the sales girl/guy leads them to anyway.  Your fiance was probably worried about picking something you wouldn’t like, so he brought his mom along for a female opinion.

Post # 11
Member
7053 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

Sticky sticky sitch.  But bottling up your feelings isn’t good either.  I think you should sit down w/you Fiance and talk about it.  Tell him you love him and want to marry him, but the ring is something you want to be from HIS heart..and that this is just not your style.

One of my bff’s had this happen to her.  He bought her a 3 stone ring (very small diamonds) with gold (she had heart set on platinum and an oval solitaire..she even told him) but he went with his cousin (supposedly an elegant gal..don’t know her but how he spoke of her) to the jeweler and she talked him into that (they work together..lawyers).  My friend HATED the ring.  Despised it.    

So she sat him down and explained.  Her mom had a diamond that was quite significant so she used that one as the solitaire and they got another band.  She called that her "wedding ring" and slipped the teeny ring onto her right hand.  Got married in both rings.

I dont’ believe in being dishonest and let’s face it.  YOU have to wear that ring and yes Debeers and those diamond companies have definitely brainwashed me into thinking that a diamond is forever and a symbol of his love.  If you’re not happy w/it, speak with him gently and lovingly.

If not, say five years from now if he does something silly or inappropriate for a holiday, or anniversary it might "slip out"..such as "Getting me that treadmill for an anniversary is about as stupid as you having your mom pick out this ring I dont’ like".  Stuff like that slips out at the most inopportune moments if you don’t face them head on and deal with them.

  

 

 

 

 

Post # 12
Member
508 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

While it seems more romantic if your Fiance had picked out the ring himself, he probably wanted moral support and a second opinion, rather than taking a chance all alone on something that would make you happy.  I’d take it as a compliment that both your Fiance and Future Mother-In-Law are supportive.

As to what to do, talk with your Fiance and gently let him know that you aren’t a yellow gold person.  Say you are moved that he spent so much time and effort picking it out and that you want it to represent both of you, suggest changing the setting.

Post # 13
Member
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

did you and your Fiance discuss what kind of rings you like at all before you got engaged? sounds like he didn’t know what you like! or he did and didn’t stick up for and his mom influenced him. don’t be hard on her! she was probably trying to help. you need to talk to him about it, and ask if there was a miscommunication, because you really don’t wear gold jewelry much and would prefer white, and can you get the setting changed. if he says "well no i don’t think so, my mom picked it out and it will hurt her feelings" just tell him that his mom doesn’t have to look at the ring every day and that she is not the one in the marriage, it’s between you and him!

Post # 14
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

It’s hard to tell what to think.  If your Fiance knew what kind of ring you wanted, and somehow his mom talked him into buying something different, that’s a bad thing.  If he really didn’t have much of an idea, and he just asked her to help thinking that it might give him a better chance at buying something you would like, it’s understandable.  Regardless, he has gotten you something that is not to your taste, and I would let him know (nicely, and without dwelling on the fact that his mom picked it out).  The good thing is that, with the price of gold today, even if the ring was custom made you can probably get it reset in white gold for very little.  We had to have my wedding ring reworked, and the jeweler was happy to "buy back" the gold for resuse, so we essentially just paid for the work.  Depending on where he bought the ring, they might also have a return policy that allows exchange for a limited period of time.  But if you wait longer than that, it could be difficult or expensive to get a different ring – so I would speak up now.

One of the first expensive presents my husband got me was a watch.  It was a really spendy designer watch, and I knew it cost an arm and a leg – but it was really flashy, and just not me.  Unfortunately he ordered it online, and couldn’t return it.  But once he knew that I really wouldn’t wear it, he was just really sorry that he hadn’t asked me for some idea of what I would like.  We ended up selling it to a friend of mine – who loves it – and he ordered something that I like much better. 

Part of the lesson here is maybe to let your Fiance know that in the future, if he has any doubts about what you would like in the jewelry department, he needs to ask you.  Some guys are clueless about stuff like that, and don’t realize that what one woman just loves another woman wouldn’t be seen in.  And apparently you and his mom and very different taste.  If his mom is a woman with very specific likes and dislikes, she should understand the situation perfectly.

Post # 15
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

maybe you could just conveniently lose the ring… haha jk but seriously if he didn’t know then you can’t blame the man, but if he did know and his mother just didn’t care what you wanted. i would say the problems go deeper than a ring.

Post # 16
Member
13 posts
Newbee

I think you just talk to your fiance.  It shouldn’t be a hard conversation: unless you’ve got a fantastic poker face, he probably realizes that you’re not thrilled with the ring.

 The ring my fiance proposed with was a beautiful ring, but simply not my style (big bold ruby that would have been getting caught every time I reached into my jeans pockets)–it was the ring the salesladies talked him into.  I preferred something with a lower profile.  When I told him this (and as thrilled as I was with the proposal, he could tell that ), he gladly went with me to the store so we could exchange it for something more my style.  End of story.  No guilt; no hurt feelings.  Your Future Mother-In-Law should understand that she doesn’t know the ins-and-outs of your personal jewelry style any better than her son does, and not be offended when you return it for a ring that’s more fitting for you.  

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