(Closed) Future Mother in law picked out Engagement ring

posted 11 years ago in Rings
Post # 17
Member
213 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I would be upset that she picked it out….I’m upset that my fiance left the ring at his parents house and that when he went to pick the ring up from them his mother was wearing it…

 

But I agree with most everyone else. I would tell him.  I hate gold…mine is white as well…Its a ring your going to be wearing for a very very very long time….you should have it be a ring you like…

 

Post # 18
Member
601 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

maybe you could say you developed an allergy to gold.  and thus needed to change out the ring? 

Post # 19
Member
2889 posts
Sugar bee

So, not to go against the grain but maybe you should consider keeping it. I was disapointed with my engagement ring when my Fiance proposed (it was bad, there were tears). It was nothing like what I imagined except that it was white gold and to make it worse he asked me what I wanted in a ring after he had already purchased this one. I knew what style I wanted and was excited to see what he picked out but he proposed to me with s TOTALLY different ring. It’s a pretty ring but nothing I ever wanted and I had a hard time balancing the fact that I wanted something different but liked that he picked this out from his heart. He loved that it was simple and understated (not how I would ever want to describe my engagement ring) and I knew it hurt his feelings that I didn’t love it. He offered to take it back but when I thought of it, this is the ring he used as a symbol when he asked me to spend the rest of my life with him and another ring would be prettier and suit my style but not have the same sentimental value. I can always buy myself a diamond ring but no other ring will ever be able to be my engagement ring. It took me a while to get used to this being my engagement ring but every time I look at it I think of his proposal. I wish I could have been less outwardly disapointed in the ring when he proposed so we could have savored the moment with only joy but I can’t picture myself trading in this ring for one I like better. I hope that he will get me my dream ring for an anniversary present sometime in the future and I will wear it on my right hand but until then I will keep the one true engagement ring for its sentimental value. I also don’t wear gold right now but if it was gold, I would still wear it with my silver jewlery becasue it is special for what it stands for more so than what it looks like. So before you trade in the setting for somehting that fits your style, think about the meaning behind this ring, the fact that his mother helped him pick it out means that she approves of you and while she may have different tastes it’s a reflection of her support for your union that she would help him pick what she feels is a beautiful ring and he must like it other wise I’m sure he wouldn’t have given you something he hates. Good luck in your decision but remember you can always buy yourself a diamond, this is the one that came from him on that special day and he claerly put time into picking it for you.

Post # 20
Member
37 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2009

yeah i kinda do agree with Slicey19. I had an issue with my engagement ring also, mine was a little different situation though.  I have been married once before.  I wanted my ring to look completly different from my first one.  It was a pretty classic looking ring, it was 1 carat princess cut with a couple diamonds on each side. I loved my first ring, i had picked it out after all!  But i didnt want anything like it this time.  So what does my Fiance give me…a ring that looks almost identical!  The same size, same cute, only diference was there were smaller diamonds on each side.  I was a little disapointed, for about a second!  Then i realized that he went out, without me, found this ring that he loved and it came from his heart.  In his mind he thought it would be perfect.  I mean the poor guy made 4 trips to the jewerly store before before he bought it.  He thought it was perfect. So now, to me it is!  I guess you should give him the benifit of the doubt.  Keep the ring.  But get him to buy you another ring for an anniversary!!

Post # 21
Member
7081 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

I have a couple of additional thoughts to add, though most here have covered the subject well.

The first is this:  Some guys use their mom as a deflector.  If he sensed that you didn’t like the ring initially (back to that perfect poker face) then maybe he deflected by saying it was all up to his mom.  That means when you talk to him about it, you need to be equally sensitive to the fact that you might be talking about him or his mother… so tread gently.

Secondly, I wanted to share an story that happened to a friend of mine.  She was proposed to, and her fiance had given her this really cool chunky ring that he designed himself.  It was totally *his* style, but she hated it.  She didn’t bring up the subject, she stewed on it for weeks, but it was eating her up.  They ended up in a huge fight about it and the result was a broken engagement over some stupid ring.

They eventually worked things out a couple of years later, but the whole ring debacle made them re-assess the entire relationship.  What I’m saying here is that you should ask yourself: How important is this issue to me?  Is it so important that you really want a different ring?  That you would want to risk the relationship?

I fully support having a conversation about the issue… gently… but I think that you have to come to terms with and accept the way things went down before you go into the conversation.  You can’t be steamed about the way he went about getting the ring or the fact that it is not your style.  That way, whatever the outcome of the conversation, you and he will be ok.  I find that a good dose of humor goes far in these types of conversations!

 

Post # 22
Member
538 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

That is a tough situation. My future in laws gave my fiance the ring that his father proposed to his mother with. To make it his own, he changed the band to something he thought better suited me. It is more of a win-win situation, because they got to help out, there is sentiment involved and I got a beautiful ring my fiance picked out for me. Why don’t you explain that you want it to be more of your own. Maybe keep the diamond, but try a new setting?

Post # 23
Member
208 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

I think it’s sweet that your Future Mother-In-Law was involved!

The part about the yellow gold is difficult though – and still could (and probably would) have happened if your Fiance picked out the ring unaided. My friend has been happily married almost 30 years… and has never liked her engagement/wedding ring! She also prefers white gold and platinum, but her husband picked out yellow gold. She has suggested getting it reset, but still has the original because it always makes her husband sad.

I’d get a wedding band that does not go with your engagment ring, and say you plan on wearing the engagement ring on your right hand. That way, you can wear it for special events (like holidays with your ILs!), but you can wear what you like most days. Sometime in the future, you can have it reset. For example, when you have children, you can have it reset into a "family ring" with the diamond in the center and your children’s birthstones on the sides.

Post # 24
Member
184 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Another note:  The trend of getting a simple wedding band to complement a larger engagement ring is still pretty new.  Most newlyweds 5 or 10 years back still got two separate rings and only wore one at a time.  Nothing says you can’t hang on to the engagement ring for now and then buy something more to your liking for your wedding ring and put the engagement ring away.  

Post # 25
Member
14181 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

My fiance once told me, while we were discussing rings before we got engaged, that if I didn’t like the ring he picked out for me and I wanted to exchange it for something else, he’d be so offended that he’d consider breaking up with me! Wtf, right? I thought this was incredibly ridiculous, but now that it’s all said and done, he agrees with me that it is better that I have something i LOVE than something i HATE every single day and he would have gotten over it if he’d chosen the ‘wrong’ ring. Be prepared for some backlash. Start off by telling him how much it means to him that he’s proposed and butter him up before you comment that the ring really isn’t your thing and you’d really prefer something along X style/cut/color/etc. Sometimes a jeweler will let you change your diamond out for a comprable stone. It’s not like a used diamond is worth any less when it’s used. If it’s just the gold that’s an issue, you can always have the stones reset into a new setting. Or if it’s yellow gold, have it blasted with rhodium to replate it white! If not, consider having them reworked into a style you love more, but still holding onto the original diamonds. I’m sure after the initial anger blows away, he’ll realize that you’re unhappy, and honestly, I’ve never met a guy who doesn’t want to make his fiance happy. Then gush about it all the time when you get it! Good luck! Just handle it as delicately as possible. Guys have huge egos underneath all that macho business

Post # 26
Member
559 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Also, I think you could have the yellow gold treated to look like "white gold" a jeweler told me that white gold doesn’t exist, it’s really just yellow gold treated to look like white gold. Good luck with this! (This, of course won’t help you, if the issue here is gold itself, not the color!)

Post # 27
Member
1229 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

My opinion is this: Regardless of the fact that your Future Mother-In-Law helped Fiance pick out the ring, now that he has given it to you, it is YOURS. 

So, wouldn’t it be simple to take the diamond out, melt down the yellow gold, make it into white gold (by simply adding some metal alloys- that’s all there is to it) and reset the diamond into the exact same ring but in white gold??

I think this is very understandable and still sensitive to the style of ring your Fiance and Future Mother-In-Law picked out.

Post # 28
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

i understand to a point. My Future Mother-In-Law did not pick out the ring but since she thought we should wait till we are almost 30 to get married she had a fit and said it should be a promise ring and not an engagment ring.  Oh all of this in a public restaraunt very loudly and all.  She is opionated and the next thing I knew she was saying he should go buy a better ring and one that looked nicer.  Gahh..

Post # 29
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2001

Being a hopeless romantic who adores the few great surprises in life, I never understood why a woman goes to the jeweler with her boyfriend to pick out an engagement ring…..until now.  Now I get it completely.  What an uncomfortable situation to be in.  I do like the allergic to yellow gold idea.

Post # 30
Member
6 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2012

You could always have the ring dipped in rhodium (plating). All white gold rings start off as yellow gold and are plated to be white gold, even if you orginally got a white gold ring it would have to eventually be re-plated. I’m getting a yellow gold e-ring this summer (yayyy) and the jeweler said they could do that for me if I ever changed my mind about the gold. Just something to keep in mind.

Post # 31
Member
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I completely agree with amysue.  I wouldn’t involve your Future Mother-In-Law in the switcharoo at all.  It’s an unfortunate situation, but one that can be handled tactfully.  I wouldn’t be dishonest about why you want a different one.  Like others have suggested, have Fiance talk to her and explain you are THRILLED to marry him, but had a different ring style in mind.  He can throw in that business about how every woman’s taste is different, and he wants you to wear this forever and love it!  Good luck. 

P.S.  You’ll want to act quickly b/c of the return/exchange policy.

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