Future Mother-In-Law Problems!! HELP

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
10517 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

My brother and SIL got married a week before Christmas. Honestly, it was a huge inconvenience to pretty much everyone, especially anyone coming from out of town. Travel is more expensive, depending on where you are roads are more dangerous, it’s already an expensive and busy time of the year for people. 

What did they say when you originally told them the date?

Post # 3
Member
1385 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I assume this is the not the first time she’s acted this way? You can either change the date to appease her (and presumably possibly some of his other family members) or keep it and deal with how she is acting, which, btw, is wrong. Personally, a wedding that close to Christmas would be hard to attend IF I had to travel far for it, like far enough to get on a plane. But if I was close to someone I would do my best to attend. I can’t imagine parents not attending their son’s wedding just because it’s close to Christmas! Sounds like you will have fun with this one. I think you & your Fiance need to stay firm, if she forces you to do things her way now, it won’t stop once y’all are married!

Post # 4
Member
280 posts
Helper bee

I definitely would not change the date. If you have always dreamed of a winter/Christmas wedding, then do it! I think his mom is being petty by waiting until now to mention it if you’ve had it booked this long and in the fact that she and Future Father-In-Law aren’t going to come. In My Humble Opinion it’s one thing if aunts, uncles, etc. don’t want to come. I get that. But for his own parents to miss out only because it’s a “hectic time” of year is silly. I’d simply tell the future in laws “We’re sorry you won’t be able to make it, but this is our dream wedding and we have too much time/money invested to move the date.” She may just be threatening you to get her way and may come after all. 

Post # 5
Member
24 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2018

“We’re sorry you’ll be unable to make it.  Your presence will be missed.”

As long as you’re okay that they won’t be there, and you want that date, that’s your only option.  I would caution against bending to will, as it sets a precendent that you can be bent to her will.  This is all assuming a particular cultural background, naturally.  You can’t change her, you can only change how you react to her.  It sucks.  

Post # 6
Member
1204 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

She’s doing this as a power play. Nobody waits 10 months to drop this bombshell and then says “don’t even send me an invite because I don’t want to give you a gift” because they have a problem with the date. I’m sorry to say, but her real problem is probably with you.

She sounds controlling and manipulative. If you’re worried that the date is actually too inconvenient I would ask other people you trust and if they say it is I would consider changing it if you’re willing and their attendance is important to you. But don’t change it for Future Mother-In-Law.

 

Post # 7
Member
1224 posts
Bumble bee

It definitely sounds like she’s being needlessly bitchy about all of this, but I WOULD expect to have more declines than you would if the wedding were scheduled during a different season. If it matters to you that these people go, then I assume you just have to change the date. If you want your dream wedding, then don’t change it. Or can you move it even a week earlier? 

Post # 8
Member
1700 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

It sucks :(,but you’re already invested and this is your wedding. I would add to the previous bees that with some companies seniority is more important the putting the request in early for summers and the holiday season. If people have to travel for it and can’t get off work, it might not matter how much notice you give them.

Good luck, I’m sure your wedding will be lovely!

Post # 9
Member
653 posts
Busy bee

Oh man, if I were your Fiance, I’d really be having it out with my mom right now.  She has absolutely no right to call you controlling for wanting to keep your wedding date, and it’s especially rich to try that angle when she is being manipulative af.  

If she wanted to say something, she should have said it ten months ago.  She’s acting like an overgrown five year old, and someone (your FI) needs to tell her so. 

If she sticks to her guns on this and your Fiance feels like he really needs his parents to be there, then try to move it up a week or two, at the most.  You should still be able to have your winter wonderland wedding.  

Post # 10
Member
8362 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Did you check with VIPs before setting the date? I mean, I wouldn’t change it *now*, but I probably would have checked with everyone ahead of time because she IS right – that is a very expensive, inconvenient time to expect people to travel cross country. It doesnt matter how much notice you give people, its still inconvenient. I would imagine you’ll get higher than average declines, but you say you are ok with that, then go with it. 

His mom sounds like a piece of work though. I’d agree with PPs – master the phrase “I’m sorry to hear that, you’ll be missed.” rinse, repeat as needed. She has 11 months to get her shit together, I’d seriously hope she (and by extension FIs dad) wouldn’t miss their kids wedding because of this, but if they do, its probably for the best..

Post # 11
Member
251 posts
Helper bee

So weddings basically during the entire month of December are typically an inconvience if you are having out of town guests. Flights and hotels are more expensive, and people typically have less money after Christmas shopping. That being said, you can have your wedding whenever you want, and if people can’t make it, they can’t make it. If you are adament about a Christmas wedding that’s totally fine, so the next time she says something, just say “Well I hope you can make it, but if not, we will miss you.” and then change the subject. Unless she is absolutely crazy, there is no way she would miss her son’s wedding. The rest of the family however might not be able to make it, and that’s understandable.

ETA: I kinda view holiday weddings (especially if most of the guest are having to travel) as similar to destination weddings. You’re kinda putting the burden on them to pay more for transportation, give up their holiday, take time off work, etc. so you can have your vision. And it’s totally fine if your vision is more important to you than the wants of your guests (you’ll never be able to please everyone anyway) but you also can’t get upset about people not attending, no matter how much notice you give. 

Post # 12
Member
2124 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

While I think it was wrong of your Mother-In-Law to suddenly and angrily announce she won’t be attending, I do think your date poses problems. Having your dream wedding inconveniences your guests and no amount of advance planning can get around the fact that it is very close to a major holiday and difficult for people to arrange. If you still want to do it then, plan on having fewer guests who will be able to make it, including your FI’s parents and family.

Post # 13
Member
634 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
katlynn0127 :  His mom sounds crazy, but she may be dealing with a lot of complaints from other family members regarding your wedding date.  

Frankly it’s a pretty inconsiderate date unless all your guests live in town and have the flexibility to be off around the holidays. You’ve prioritized your wedding date over convenience for your guests which is a legitimate choice, but it definitely has consequences.  

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