(Closed) Future Mother In Law problems..(not all wedding related)

posted 9 years ago in Family
Post # 17
Member
17 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I think that those situations should be between you and your fiancé. Just a tip though, if you decide to move in together, vow to each other to never take the back door..  It’s easier than you think. With the stresses of a new career, new location, and learning to live together, the important things can get lost – I know this because this has just happened to me. It is way too easy to take the back door and it’s heartbreaking to go through it. I’m not against moving in together, but if the situation ever came up again – to move in with somebody or not – I would take a different approach. With that, good luck to you and your fiancé. Make sure you make your decisions based on what you two think is best for you both and your relationship..that should be number one, above all else, always.

Post # 19
Member
171 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@imagine8204:  Aww, hang in there! It definitely sounds like you got blind-sighted by what happened. You were thinking you could have a reasonable, safe discussion with her where you discussed your thought process honestly, and she was clearly not okay with you having any objections. Well, at least now you know where she stands, and like you’ve said above, you know now not to ever do that again. It’s tricky figuring out how to approach in-laws. But it sounds like you’ve got a great Fiance who will stand by your side and stand up for you. That’s so important!

Also, you do not have an unhealthy relationship. Don’t let her words get to you. She comes from what looks like a very gender stereotypic, non-egalitarian relationship and can’t understand anything other than that. That’s not you! And that’s okay! In the future, you’ll probably have to tell her a lot of “we appreciate your persepctive, but that’s not how we’re going to do it” (or something like that). Then switch to a different topic to steer the conversation away.   

Post # 20
Member
798 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@imagine8204:  Definitely.  I get this.  I would have probably done the same thing.  You just wanted to “explain” because even if she didn’t agree, she’d have to accept the logic/emotion behind your explanation and you wanted her to understand.

I think that most newlyweds/serious couples have this happen with the inlaws.  You think that the relationship is one way and then you get blindsided.  Your Fiance isn’t much help because “that’s just how his/her parents are and didn’t you know that?”  My DH and I have had this issue a lot over the last almost 2 years.  It really started during wedding planning.  Families dynamics can be very weird and show up in ways you don’t expect.  

I’d be really upset about the whole “unhealthy” comment, but it sounds like your Fiance handled it.  Now, it’s time for you guys to figure this out and, perhaps, deal directly with his father going forward if your Fiance does decide to take the position.  Moving forward, I would just keep your FMIL’s obvious opinions about gender stereotypes and “wifely” responsibilities in the back of your mind. 

Post # 22
Member
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@imagine8204:  Wow.  Ok a few things:

1 – DO NOT TALK TO YOUR Mother-In-Law ABOUT THIS STUFF!  It’s none of her business.  The more you engage, the more power you give her.  If she brings it up, simply say “I’d prefer not to speak about this.”  Period, done, end of conversation.  If she presses the issue, excuse yourself from her company.  (I have done this, straight up walked out of room when I was being bombarded with stupidity from my ILs, even if they are in mid-sentence.  Trust me, it works.)

2 – If your Fiance didn’t actively defend your relationship when his Mom started in about your relationship being unhealthy, he had no business telling you about it.  All it does is add fuel to the fire.  So I’d ask him not to share that information with you going forward.  Likewise, am I wrong in sensing that he’s a bit of a coward in that he doesn’t stick up for himself and his relationship with you?  If so, you need to have a little chat with him and make sure he understands that when he marries you, that YOU are his family, YOU are his #1 priority, etc.  If you’re constantly getting knocked around by your Mother-In-Law and he does nothing to stop it, you’re in for a world of hurt and resentment.

3 – I completely understand your apprehension.  However, if you are at a point where you are engaged and planning on marrying, it should be a no-brainer.  Of course you are going to miss your family, of course it’s going to be a big adjustment for your relationship.  But if you are making the commitment of marriage, it’s time you guys grow up and end the dependence you have on your families.  Part of being an adult is having to do shit you don’t like – be it move, get a job, stay with a shitty job, whatever the case is.  Is this potential job ideal?  No.  But it pays and provides benefits.  This is an opportunity for you BOTH to gain some independence (which you will absolutely need in a marriage, from one another and your families).

4 – Did I mention… DO NOT TALK TO YOUR Mother-In-Law ABOUT THIS STUFF!  (That’s the most important one!).

I hope I’m not coming off like a bitch here, I like to take the tough love approach.

Good luck!

Post # 23
Member
180 posts
Blushing bee

Okay, I can kinda see where your Future Mother-In-Law is coming from. Don’t necessarily agree with it, but understand.

Her young son (young to her) wants to marry a girl but she still thinks of him as her child who she wants the best for. He has the potential to make a LOT of money and he is considering not doing it because of his young Fiance. 

I get that you are close to your mom. My mom is my best friend but I haven’t lived in the same state as her for five years. 

You have to think about your future. That kind of money could set you up very well. You could set aside money to pay for your childrens’ college. 3 days a week is really not a lot. Many families do it. He’d be at work every day until 6 anyway, so all you’re losing is three nights a week. If you chose to be a stay-at-home mom, or continue subbing, you could drive home for those three days a week and stay with your family. 10 hours is seriously not that much. If he was making money like that, you could probably fly home 2x a month. Of course, I would need it to be almost a guarantee that he would end up making that…

Your FMIl does need to butt out however and she is treating you like a child which isn’t fair. And, um, if they’re so well-off and she wants you to get married ASAP, why the hell aren’t they paying for it??? 

 That whole bride’s father pays/dowry thing is antiquated bullshit. And I hate your FMIL’s hypocrisy. You’re obviously sleeping with each other before marriage, but living together is bad??? Living together is an EXCELLENT idea. You understand the other person much more and what your day-to-day marriage will be like. Much easier to be SO IN LOVE when you only hang out on weekends.

Post # 24
Member
16 posts
Newbee

OMG! WHY did you take her berating you for 2 hours? get in a car & leave, check into a hotel or B & B if you aren’t paying any other bills (like rent & food) you should have some cash.

That being said, $500k job vs. an hourly banking job & substitute/tutoring jobs for you? Should you be getting married, at all when your finances are so unstable & neither of you is living independently?

You don’t want to live “that far from your family”? He will be your family.

What does he want to do about this job? Is his family expecting him to take over this family business one day? Does he want to? Do they have a position for you? Perhaps since you are tutoring, you can segue into corporate training? As to the health insurance…ask! If the position does not offer benefits, buy a private policy that will include a domestic partner (you) $500k should make this easy for you both. if the family has a plan to develop him to assume the CEO spot, he needs to have an open discussion and get a formal career development plan for him IN WRITING from them. if they can’t provide this, it’s sheer manipulation & BS. Take another career route.

You need to have a BIG talk with your fiance about your goals & expectations for the future..not at his parent or yours. Go away for a weekend, even if it’s camping, and talk it out. If you plan on having children, would you quit your job to stay home? In that case, you need to weigh his carrer choices more heavily than your own, as he will ending up carrying the entire financial load.

Stop crying and strategize with your fiance. Then present a united front to his parents. You are crying over possibilities, rather than facts. Life and marriage are about change, compromise, and working together toward future goals, even if it means individual personal sacrifice at times. If you have a minister, I would suggest that you go through pre-wedding counseling with him/her. I think it would help you both and help you navigate this transition from childhood to adulthood (which living with mom & dad, in their minds, keeps you in “childhood” despita evidence to the contrary). I know this from past experience.

Chin up! Your Future Mother-In-Law senses weakness and will continue to do this as long as you (& he) allow her to act disrespectfully to you. If you feel like you are going to cry, have a code with your fiance, stand up & say that you find her tone and words to be unpleasant and you will not be treated disrespectfully. Tell her, CALMLY, that you’ll be happy to discuss various topics with her…calmly & rationally, but for now, you are removing yourselves from this particular situation. Then leave. You and he must be on the same page with this, or it will not work.

Good luck

 

 

Post # 25
Member
123 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

I would do what ever you think is best for BOTH of you. Husbands are no longer the boss in marriages so you don’t have to follow him across the country if you don’t want to.

However this sounds like a fantastic opportunity to get a great start to your finances and could go a long way in setting up your future (house payment etc).

Remember that jobs are not forever (even if this could be a lifelong career it doesn’t have to be!). Maybe set a plan for 2-5 years to get a bit of money behind you and then see how you both feel. You never know your Fiance might hate the job!

Ps: I should probably point out I have lived away from my family for the past 5 years. (2 years opposite side of the planet and 3 in a different country a 3 hour flight away). It’s hard sometimes and I do feel like I’ve lost some closeness in the relationships but I wouldn’t have any of the opportunities I have here if I lived where they do.

Post # 26
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

You know the great thing about being an adult? You don’t don’t need to listen to mommy and daddy anyomore. Stop asking permission to do the things you want to do as a couple. If he wants to stay in Ohio so the two of you can be close to your families than he should do that. If you want to live together than live together. If you want to wait 2 years and save up for a nice wedding than do that (honestly I recommend getting your lives organized before marriage). stop consulting her. He wants your life to be a carbon copy of hers. If you see her life and don’t wish the same for yourself than don’t take her advice.

Post # 27
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Also if you want to be taken seriously as an adult you should try to start supporting yourself.

Post # 28
Member
1616 posts
Bumble bee

@imagine8204:  HOLY FSCKING CRAP THIS IS MY LIFE. Right down to the ages, living at home and Fiance working at a bank. Um. I have no advice to give you. Best of luck to both of you. I’ll be lurking to see what happens with everything. 

Girl the similarties are amazing. Message me and let’s become besties 🙂 

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