Future SIL announced pregnancy same day I announced I had to cancel my wedding

posted 6 months ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
47444 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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busybride44 :  Your feelings are never wrong. Our feelings help us to process things that happen in our life.Acting on those feelings however, can be wrong, depending on the action chosen.

Was her action insensitive? We really don’t have enough information to venture an opinion. Did his sister know that you had to postpone the wedding? In other words, was she part of his family that was informed?  Even if she was, she and her partner may have thought that the family needed some good news. They are as entitled to share their news as you were to share yours.

Post # 3
Member
350 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

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busybride44 :  did you tell her specifically about the cancellation? Or had she not heard yet?

Post # 4
Member
1469 posts
Bumble bee

You’re not wrong for feeling upset. Cancelling a wedding must suck and you’re certainly not in the mood to be trumped by good new. However, this is her news to share with her family when she chooses. I don’t believe she’s in the wrong. 

Post # 6
Member
354 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

Ok, so… I was almost in your SIL’s position, and while it’s not the most sensitive I could see how it could happen out of no ill will. I had an email all written up to our extended family announcing our pregnancy and was getting ready to hit send, when I got the mass-email from my sister to all wedding guests announcing their wedding’s postponement to next year. I already knew they were postponing it but had no idea she was writing the official email that day. We very nearly accidentally sent our two messages at the same moment!

I realized it would be a bit weird to send out our message right after theirs, and checked in with my sister on whether she would still be ok with me sending it in a couple of days. She said she didn’t care, because it wasn’t like it was the announcement OF the engagement/wedding, just a postponement, but I held off for a couple days anyway. 

Your SIL probably already had her annoucement planned out when you made yours, and may have thought that really the two weren’t related, or even that her news would cheer up the family when they were feeling depressed over your news. Also there might have been a reason they needed to move ahead rapidly with telling immediate family — eg they’d told a friend or two and were worried it would get back to your family through the grapevine before they could tell people themselves. Or maybe they were worried you were looking at alternate wedding dates that might coincide with their due date!

You’re allowed to feel a little peeved privately but then I’d let it go. This is a weird, tough time for everyone. A horrible time to be planning a wedding, but also quite a scary time to be pregnant. We all need to just do our best to be kind to each other 🙂 

Post # 7
Member
3557 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

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busybride44 :  I can see how this would upset you and those feelings are valid.

to give them (because it wasn’t just her) the benefit of the doubt, they may have felt the family would appreciate some good news.

they could also have planned to announce on that day anyway and decided to go ahead as planned. 

with the best intentions, it’s no real surprise that weddings are being cancelled at the moment. While it’s really tough on you and finance, it might not have really been news for anyone else.

Post # 8
Member
7707 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I’m torn. I always imagine the conversations that take place on the side we don’t see. Did his sister talk with her Dh and say, “Now what do we do? They just announced their wedding is postponed!” and he replies, “We have been planning for weeks to tell everyone today because it is the only time we know Aunt Whatshername will be around. We have to tell them today. Maybe they’ll appreciate good news?” She says, “I don’t know. It feels wrong to do now, but you’re right. We planned forever to tell everyone today, so let’s go ahead…”

Obviously, I have no idea whether it happened that way, just that there was likely no malicious intent. I am so sorry about your wedding. 

Post # 9
Member
216 posts
Helper bee

OP, I am sorry to hear about your postponement. I have the  questions as PPs. I think that it was a tad tone deaf if she did know that you announced the postponement  and announced her pregnancy an hour afterwards. However, I go by the philosophy that there is no proverbial thunder to steal. Your feelings are valid and the hurt is real. However, is there any evidence that your Future Sister-In-Law intended to cause harm/had malintent when announcing her pregnancy after you said your wedding was postponed? Was she truly trying to stick it to you? Probably not. Feel your grief, your hurt, your anger, your disappointment and acknowledge that they’re valid but not necessarily fact.

Post # 10
Member
1612 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

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busybride44 :  Yes that was extremely insensitive. As other PPs are saying of course she had the right to share the news with everyone in the family as much as you did, did she really have to do it an hour after a member of her family announced she just had to postpone the Wed ding. Jesus let the person grieve first. She could have waited a day. There is a difference between having the right to do something and if you should do it. I bet rhe answers on here would be different if it was your sister but because it’s his sister your feelings don’t matter. Which is BS.

Post # 12
Member
1940 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

I would say in this situation context is everything. If your sil and her husband are great people who have always been kind, welcoming, and thoughtful towards you and your fiancé than I would give them the benefit of the doubt in this case. It sucks but I find that sadly things that we would know are cruel and inappropriate to do, others don’t realize that. Not everyone is good at being self aware of what’s polite and what’s not. 

You don’t really have a choice but to let this go because bringing it up will only cause a rift between you guys and it’s just not worth it. If SIl and husband are generally not super nice to you and steal thunder often than all you can do is step back from them. 

Post # 13
Member
354 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

 

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busybride44 :  

If you were planning to marry in September (as your profile says), that’s when she’s due and she’s just announcing to immediate family now she’s actually waited quite long to announce — she’d already be around half way through her pregnancy! Maybe she hasn’t seen anyone in person due to COVID but she’d likely be showing significantly and it would be hard to hide.

Post # 14
Member
260 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

I don’t think it’s necessarily wrong of her to announce the same day you had to announce a cancellation, she was probably planning this for a while and couldn’t have known that you would both pick the same day. She may even have thought the good news of a new niece or nephew might cheer you up!

I also don’t think your wrong to feel upset, you feel how you feel and feelings are always valid. You don’t get to choose how you feel, just how you react. I feel so bad for everyone who has had to cancel weddings I think your well within your right to shed some tears over this if it helps. Just make sure you don’t say anything snarky to your SIL. Coming here to vent is a good choice.

Post # 15
Member
1465 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I don’t think this was insensitive of her.  You are entitled to grieve your own postponed wedding, but this isn’t isn’t the kind of thing that involves group grieving.  A death or announcement of serious illness would likely stir strong feelings of sadness in the recipients.  Even the annoucement of a breakup of an engagement might do the same. 

You effectively announced the change of date for a party.  Your guests are just changing their time off requests or altering hotel arrangements.  You two are still together, and the reason for the postponement isn’t scandalous or nefarious. It sucks for you and for your partner, but I don’t think fair play means someone else shouldn’t announce their pregnancy. 

We’re in the middle of a global pandemic with people announcing their own layoffs, death or intubation of family members, etc.  It’s likely that they HAVE put off announcing their pregnancy in order to be sensitive to those kinds of announcements.  With bad news coming from every corner these days (almost daily), when should they feel free to announce?

I think venting here was the smart choice. I’d be upset, too.  However, in your shoes, I’d be projecting how upset I am at having to move the wedding onto an innocent bystander.  I think you are, too.

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