Future SIL announced pregnancy same day I announced I had to cancel my wedding

posted 6 months ago in Emotional
Post # 76
Member
1747 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - City, State

While it’s very disappointing to have to postpone your wedding, to me this falls in the same category as “thunder stealing.” People can be happy for one person and sad for another at the same time. It’s not like all of the sudden an hour later OP’s wedding is totally forgotten because now there’s going to be a baby. 
I understand OP being a bit hurt, but I really don’t think the SIL did anything wrong.

Post # 77
Member
745 posts
Busy bee

Not to be harsh but I can pretty much guarantee you, baby announcement or no baby announcement, fiancée aunts and uncles and cousins and other extended members of the family wouldn’t have spent more than one hour feeling despondent or somber over the postponement of your wedding due to covid.  It’s not like they were gonna call you offering up their condolences or something. They would have felt kind of bad for you and moved on with their day.  So she waited an hour to tell them her good news and they were already over your disappointing news. Besides like others have pointed out, the immediate family probably expected your news or maybe there has been discussions within the family that the postponement was likely to occur. Also did your fiancée sister include you on the FaceTime and gloat in your face? Did you have to sit through that?

Post # 78
Member
1547 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

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emilyofnewmoon :  yeah, I’m sort of there with you. Like I said in my other post, assuming that SIL isn’t traditionally a huge jerk, I’d try to assume there’s a reason for the timing. But I also think it’s really rich for a bunch of people on a WEDDING site to tell someone who has to postpone their wedding that it’s no big deal, just a party, everyone knew it was coming, and that they shouldn’t be sad about it. DH and I debated between short engagement (August 2019) or a long one (May/June 2020). We ultimately went for a short engagement, and I’ve spent a lot of time thankful for that and sympathetic for the thousands of people who had terrible luck and now, if we’re being completely honest and look at worst-case coronavirus news, may not have a wedding for upwards of 2 years. Weddings may just be a party, you can still elope, but I’d guess that 99% of the people here would be sad if they had to scrap a gathering where their favorite people, for one time only, would all be together. 

Also, for most people, pregnancy/children follows marriage as people build their idea of a family. You can be happy for your SIL while also being sad for yet another reminder that your own family is indefinitely postponed.

Post # 79
Member
2285 posts
Buzzing bee

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dianaj17 :  “You can be happy for your SIL while also being sad for yet another reminder that your own family is indefinitely postponed.”

Yeah I think that’s exactly what sucks the most about it. And I also agree about SIL…. OP has said she’s always been really nice, so she should give her the benefit of the doubt here. There could definitely be an explanation, and I don’t think she was trying to be hurtful. But the timing was still cringey. 

Post # 80
Member
5043 posts
Bee Keeper

Just as nobody is going to be as excited about your wedding as you – no one is going to be as disappointed about your lack of wedding as you.

It wasn’t canceled because someone died or became seriously ill or injured or one of the two major players cheated and they broke up.  Doesn’t mean that canceling it due to COVID isn’t unfortunate – it is.  But it was postponed due to something that every one is fully aware of, has been covered on all major information sources 24/7, and is likely the subject of everyone’s thoughts nearly every waking moment for the last 8 weeks or more as they deal with job loss, social distancing, food insecurity, fear of illness or death for themselves or the ones they love.  A wedding being postponed due to COVID-19 at this point is merely confirmation of what everyone has likely seen coming for weeks and even in non-COVID circumstances probably registers as little more than “Bummer – I’ll be looking forward to the party when it’s rescheduled” and then using the virtual equivalent of white out on their calendar to free up that day for other things for most people.  They’re not going to be bringing over casseroles or sending you flower arrangements or donating to charity in the memory of your wedding date.  That’s just life – no one’s wedding is going to be as important to other people, even in cancellation.  I get that it feels like this momentous life-altering halting announcement for the people getting married because it’s their life, but it just doesn’t register that way for most others.

Post # 81
Member
1216 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

I didn’t see anyone saying OP, shouldn’t be sad about having to cancel her wedding.

What I saw were people who said that SIL announcing her pregnancy does change OP’s sadness. You can be happy and sad about separate things at the same time. Op’s family can be disappointed the wedding is canceled and simultaneously happy for SIL’s new baby.

SIL didn’t steal the day or everyone’s disappointment about the wedding by sharing her happy news. SIL sharing her pregnancy news doesn’t make OP’s wedding being canceled less disappointing. Just as if OP had told the family about canceling her wedding an hour after SIL, the wedding cancelation news wouldn’t steal or negate the happiness for SIL and Brother-In-Law.

There’s nothing wrong with being sad about it, it would be weird if OP wasn’t sad she was canceling her wedding but I personally wouldn’t be upset with SIL at the timing of her news. People can be happy for SIL and sad for OP at the same time.

Post # 83
Member
2285 posts
Buzzing bee

It’s not about how other people feel about the wedding cancellation though… it’s about how OP feels. If my friend gets demoted at work, that doesnt affect me at all, but I’m still not gonna call her back an hour later to share my happy news … cause that would be insensitive. Waiting at least a day or two would be the classy thing to do there. 

Post # 84
Member
5043 posts
Bee Keeper

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@emilyofnewmoon:  In your opinion.

I think it would depend greatly on the the news.

If you called your friend who just lost their job so you can brag about the big promotion you just got at yours?  Yeah, that might be a little tone deaf.

If you called your friend to tell them you’re pregnant or you just got a clean bill of health from your oncologist and are cancer-free, I’m guessing most friends could manage to be happy even in the midst of their shitty news and possibly even be glad to have something good to focus on for a few minutes.  In fact some friends might even insist that you not feel like you have to tiptoe around them or hide information just because they have something shitty happening in their life.

 

I just don’t think most people are going to guess that a decision that came about after weeks of constant news coverage and that was likely not made in the heat of the moment such that everyone (engaged couple and guests) had likely to some extent already processed it or come to terms with it (or at least the very likely possibility of it) in advance of the formal postponement would need to avoid sharing their lives as well in the same way someone might in other circumstances.  So go ahead and feel your feelings, just realize that the world didn’t stop turning for everyone else and they likely didn’t process the information in the same way rather than assuming ill-intent and taking it as a slight.

Post # 85
Member
1469 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

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@soexcited123:  Hi soexcited!  Since you didn’t seem to understand what I wrote, NO I’m not saying OP’s feelings don’t matter.  I’m saying that OP’s feelings about rescheduling her wedding do not occupy a central place between SIL and her parents. 

OP is marrying into the family, and she is rescheduling a wedding that just about everyone invited knew was likely to be rescheduled.  That’s just not the kind of news (or set of feelings) that most parents and children would decide should change when a parent hears about the pregnancy of their own child.  If the soon-to-be husband (SIL’s brother) said he was devastated about rescheduling, or was showing signs of being depressed, then yes— it would be insensitive.  However, since the brother/ fiance seems absent in this saga, this seems to be about OP’s feelings.  

Unlike calling a laid off friend to gloat about a promotion, this is more like telling a group of shared friends that you got engaged after someone else in the same group found out they didn’t get a promotion they wanted. The news is not related, it isn’t in the same category (to invite direct comparison),  the sad person isn’t announcing harm to themselves- just that things are staying the same for a bit longer and the OTHER people involved might want to hear the news ASAP.  

Again, we are in the middle of a global pandemic that has caused 30+ million people to lose their jobs and 72,000+ people to lose their lives in the US alone.  OP has rescheduled a celebration (not cancelled- unless I’m missing something and they aren’t getting married due to COVID).  I’ve seen posters suggest that SIL should have waited up to another week. 

Where I am, not a single week has gone by when someone in my close family or friend circle has not experienced a loss, layoff, hospitalization, breakup, or something else that is seriously heart-wrenching during the pandemic.   I’m not saying OP shouldn’t have strong feelings about her cancellation.  I am suggesting that the SIL might have already been holding off on this news because of losses/ grieving/ bad news (even potentially on her partner’s side).  Most pregnant people don’t wait this late to announce, so there’s probably a good reason why they chose to wait this long.

Post # 86
Member
350 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

Why can’t OP be entitled to the pity party she deserves? Y’all have the ability to belittle every experience possible. Have some sympathy. Give the woman ONE day to be sad and want everyone to join her in this sadness. So what if the people around her aren’t as upset? They are there to support her no doubt. Also, I don’t think it was implied that her wedding would be cancelled for September. I think that IS surprising. I also don’t understand how this type of thing WOULDNT need an announcement to all of you who are naysaying the formality of OPs actions. 

What’s it like to go through life without empathy? I sure don’t want to know. And I hope y’all all get to experience what your dishing out the next time you try and have your pity parties for an isolated issue/something only you are experiencing. Because you sure deserve it. 

OP this sucks- your SIL sucks for doing that and is completely tone deaf. I’m glad she’s a normally good person and do believe/hope you’ve already moved on. Don’t let it eat you up. FWIW, you’ve got a few people on here who truly feel for you and think it’s really awful what you’re going through. Your day will be amazing when you have it!

Post # 87
Member
2285 posts
Buzzing bee

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annabananabee :  Imo it comes down to empathy. When I have a loved one who is upset about something — even if it’s something that wouldn’t upset me personally — it IS my impulse to tread carefully and try to be as sensitive as I can. One way to show sensitivity is by not blasting my own good news mere HOURS after finding out that my friend is upset about something. No one’s saying SIL can’t have her big announcement – just wait a day or two.

We can agree to disagree.

Post # 88
Member
601 posts
Busy bee

i think the timing is super cringy.  i would not respond to someone’s disappointing news with my joyful news– it’s just not tactful.  and it’s not like she was waiting until she was 12 weeks or some specific time to make the pregnancy announcement.  it could have waited another day.  

since OP said she is close with the couple, i doubt it was malicious.  it could be the case that they were waiting to tell you until you cancelled because they didn’t want to have to tell you that they were going to miss the wedding.  

either way, its okay to feel bad about this, but i would let it go.

Post # 89
Member
7817 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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annabananabee :  thank you. 

I’m having a hard time wrapping my brain around us canceling our long-awaited summer elopement and celebration, I sort of have to remind myself on a regular basis that after all the planning and anticipation it really isn’t happening–along with so many things for our family this year–graduations, etc. So I do understand the disappointment and I get that it’s hard. I also know it’s not a decision that happened in one day and that nobody will be surprised or upset when we tell them. We know from all the posts by Bees concerned they are still expected to attend a wedding during a global pandemic that many are relieved by a cancellation. Everyone may have been waiting a while for OP and her Fi to announce an inevitable decision.

I would welcome some happy news to distract me from my funk and would never expect anyone to wallow with me, especially right now when it seems half the world is going to hell and nobody knows how long it’s going to last or how bad it’s going to get. It seems there are people who want the pity party and people who appreciate any escape from the pity party.

OP–vent here all you like but please understand that rescheduling your wedding does not mean the same to others preoccupied with concerns about health, jobs, school, etc. in the middle of a global pandemic. And try to embrace the bits of joy you are offered. 

Post # 90
Member
13 posts
Newbee

If you are close enough to your family to expect support from them, then you would likely be looping them into your decision process on the wedding.  So your immediate family would already know that cancellation was being considered and a formal announcement wouldn’t be necessary.  For me, it was a “okay, postponing is now officially happening,” not “we have a big surprising announcement to make.”

Perhaps the disconnect here is that this is not OP’s immediate family and she wasn’t privy to all the wedding discussion.  OP, how does your fiancé feel about the sister’s announcement?  Was he personally upset?

 

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