Post # 1
Ok, so, I know this is something much debated about on these forums, we’re getting married next June and having a super intimate ceremony (16 people) followed by a lunch at a very formal venue, we’re then having about 70 people in the evening for a party.
My future SIL has just RSVP’d including her baby (who will be apprx 10 months when we get married), to be fair, we haven’t explicity said he ISNT invited, at the same time, he wasn’t on the invite and she hadn’t checked or asked.
I’m really anxious about this due to it being such a small group, that vs other weddings we’ve been to where babies have almost faded to the background because there have been upwards of 60 people, you dont really notice if mum needs to go and tend to the baby/sneak out if baby is fussy.
I think theres a deeper issue here for me, in all honesty, without going into detail that my relationship with my Future Sister-In-Law has been strained due to her being rude to me at the start of the relationship/wanting everything to be about her always (she wears white to weddings) so I also worry that she wont be too worried about baby crying during the ceremony etc.
My partner feels the same and thinks it’ll be a distraction from the day due to it being so intimate, we know the babies other grandparents are roughly 45 mins away from the venue. I appreciate it’ll depend if she’s breastfeeding etc, and I dont want to start WW3, at the same time I have to be honest that it’s making me really anxious, am I being a bridezilla for not wanting the baby there?
Post # 2
- Wedding: December 1969 - Montsalvat, Victoria
I don’t think your being bridezilla for not wanting babies/children at your small wedding. In saying that though if the baby is only 10 months and breastfeeding might be a good way to show SIL you can be accomodating and just let it slide? At that age the baby might still be dependent on your SIL? I had a 100ish guest list and I also had my bridesmaid RSVP without telling me/mentioning that she’s bringing her niece (her 2yo son was already invited and was going to be the page boy). Yes at the time I had a little mini freak out because I had to find extra space to sit the 3yo niece but it all worked out fine and I’m glad I didn’t say anything. People are generally sensitive about their little ones – if you can, I’d just let it slide. Good luck!
Post # 3
wedding032020 : You and your partner are on the same page, and that’s what’s most important. With an RVSP if it said to “the family of” then I could assume her seeing baby as invited. If it said to “BIL and SIL” then it’s safe to say baby wasn’t invited. Will it put a strain on your relationship to tell her the 10 month old isn’t invited to the wedding? Probably. Does it sound like you’re too concerned? Nope. If you’re both on the same page tell her that you’re having a child-free wedding (assuming you are) but you’d love for her to still come. If your reception is 70 people, consider letting the baby attend, but you could still get away with saying it’s a kid-less wedding assuming that it truly is!
Post # 4
You’re going to get some very by-the-book answers here, because WB is more knowledgeable/into “proper” etiquette than 99.9% of normal society. Technically speaking, no, she probably shouldn’t have just assumed baby was invited. But, for TONS of families, young/nursing babies “in arms” are considered automatically invited. While childfree weddings are gaining in popularity (and, full disclosure, the most fun wedding I’ve been to was CF), they’re still pretty uncommon among your basic, middle class people, so the people I know who have done CF weddings make it VERY clear that nobody under X age is invited. If you didn’t do that, I wouldn’t assume she was being intentionally rude/presumptuous.
As for what you should do, you should probably do nothing since your relationship already is a bit strained. Let FH handle it.
Post # 5
I’m going to go against the grain here and say that a ten month old is not always a “babe in arms”. The child could be walking at that stage and won’t be likely to be solely relying on breastmilk at that point. If your wedding is that small, baby could become disruptive. If you and your fiance were attempting to avoid that, you may want to consider asking her to find a sitter.
Post # 6
I had a kid free wedding. But idk if this would be my hill to die on given its your fiances sister. This isnt some rando third cousin who wants to bring a gaggle of kids. It’s his sister, with a single young child. I think if they are breastfeeding it should be an automatic allow, but I also don’t think you’d be totally out of line saying no. Do know it WILL damage your relationship with her, and possibly your in laws.
Post # 7
We wanted no children at our wedding. We told the immediate family when the Save-The-Date Cards went out (17 months before), then again over xmas.
When the actual invites went out, MIL reminded SIL there were no kids. Her stepdaughter is 8.
SIL still sent us this sickly assholish message saying “Oh I noticed xxx wasn’t invited, it’s not financially viable for you to expect us not to bring her” as if this was the first time she’d found out about it.
To which Darling Husband told her to eat a massive bag of dicks.
Not much love lost there, lol.
Point is, so long as you and your FH are on the same page, you’re at liberty to do what you want. If there is no genuine reason for her to bring the child (i.e. some special need), then she really should abide by your wishes.
Post # 8
wedding032020 : I would feel the same way. She absolutely should not assume baby is invited and i don’t blame you for not wanting a 10 month old at your small wedding. I’m getting married in May, no kids, besides my FI’s 2 nieces who will be 10 & 5 at the time of the wedding. My fSIL is also rude to me, and my fiance suggested that we talk to her about having the babysitter come and pick the kids up after the introductions/dinner part of the reception. I posted that on this site and got TONS of backlash, but still, i think it’s fair for brides & grooms to agree on not wanting children at a wedding. In my opinion, it’s not a place for kids, especially a 10 month old. Since your fiance is on the same page, i think you should have him talk to his sister about it.
Post # 9
wedding032020 : Your future sister in law was rude to reply for her uninvited child and contrary to your comment your invitation very much made quite clear who was invited and who wasn’t. That said, you don’t have to but I would personally make an exception for a sibling’s child. Perhaps there’s a nearby room they can be directed to ahead of time in case of fussiness. Alternatively you can offer the option of a sitter in an adjacent space, bringing in the baby on occasion or for family photos. I’ve seen that done successfully, too.
People make a big stink and leaning to traditional I wouldn’t do it but FYI Emily Post aka liberal etiquette allows guests to wear white to weddings as long as the outfit is not bridal in appearance.
Post # 10
wedding032020 : Mum who exclusively breastfed here, I’m a big believer in my choice to breastfeed not being a bride’s problem. If you want no kids/babies then don’t have any! This is your event. Let them know and then they can decide what they want to do from there. But I do think it is really important that your partner deliver the message and you both prepare for potential fallout. You’re not doing anything wrong by not allowing the baby but unfortunately that doesn’t mean feelings won’t potentially be hurt.
Post # 11
Is this a destination wedding? If it’s not, why is she RSVP’ing now for a June wedding? That’s extremely early to RSVP.
Also, if the baby will be around 10 months old in June, that means the baby is about 2 – 3 months old right now. I would probably have assumed that because the baby was only a few months old that you just didn’t list him on the invite. I would also assume since the baby is your Fiance’s nephew and you are having such a small, intimate wedding that he would be invited.
I think there is potential here for a fallout also, if you don’t allow him.
Post # 12
- Wedding: June 2019 - City, State
If you and Fiance agree, then he needs to make it clear to her that children are not included.
Post # 13
I had a similar situation not with my wedding but with my fathers funeral where my brother’s partner wanted to bring their 1 year old to the service. I didn’t think it was the best idea for her to bring him but the conditions were she sat at the back near the door and if he starting being noisy she was to sneak out with him which she did. It does draw attention away from the event if a baby starts fussing. Maybe suggest she sits near the door or maybe doesn’t bring the baby to the ceremony but they are welcome to come to the reception afterwards?
Post # 14
We had a cut off of six months – we allowed for a couple of small babies. Definitely didn’t want toddlers running around though.
My sister nearly didnt come because of the no kids rule as I excluded my school aged nieces and nephew. Then my Brother in law didn’t come and stayed home to be with them.
Post # 15
They already RSVP’d for a wedding 6 months away?? As pp said is it a destination wedding?