Post # 16
Tell your fiance to deal with his sister. His family his problem. He can contact her and tell her that the invitation unfortunatly doesn’t include any children. Usually the polite thing is it a child is still breast feeding they are included in the invite, but at 10 months that isn’t a requirement in my opinion. I only included in our wedding babies that were 8 months and younger.
Most important is starting off by laying down the boundary that your fiance deals with his family and you deal with yours. That keeps families from blaming the new son or daughter in law, and instead makes it clear that you two are a team and will be enforcing boundaries as a unit.
Post # 17
She wasn’t out of line to assume the nephew of the groom would be an automatic invite. Most people would expect the nieces and nephews to be part of such an event happening in a family. It would be odd to not invite them.
Sorry but I think you need to let this one go. One baby isn’t going to ruin your wedding. Assuming a mother doesn’t know how to handle her child so as not to be a distraction for anything, not just wedding ceremonies, is condescending and something tossed about on here regularly as a justification for what many consider to be rude and inconsiderate behavior towards parents with young kids. I have been to many, many weddings in my life and never has a baby or child ruined the vibe. Ever. It is a fear quite overblown.
Your issue is with SIL, not her child, so keep that in mind as well. You’ll look like the bad guy in this no matter how you frame it since you already have a tense relationship with SIL and it involves her child, the groom’s nephew.
Post # 18
also a breastfeeding mom and I agree – if someone doesn’t want my kid there then I accept that BUT you can’t give me shit if I decide not to come too. That’s where the problem usually comes up – the couple wants the nursing mom and tries to guilt them or come up with “solutions” so that they can come without baby. OP is saying “well the other grandparents are 45 minutes away”. It’s not on her to decide what SIL does with her child. I had friends that expected me to drive over 5 hours for a wedding that my 6 week old wasn’t allowed to be at! Uh….no. I was fine staying home but the guilt trip of “well another couple with a baby is doing XYZ I don’t know why you can’t do that too!” seriously pissed me off.
Post # 19
I don’t know if this has been considered, but is it possible that baby doesn’t come to the ceremony but is welcome at the much larger and less intimate reception? That would be a much easier conversation to have with Future Sister-In-Law too
Post # 20
If you’re not inviting any kids, then I don’t see a problem with it. Although I would look differently at it if she were still breastfeeding. But if other kids are invited and you’re trying to exclude this one, then you’re out of line.
Post # 21
If you don’t want kids, no problem. However, I’m assuming you guys want the mom to be present, since a 16 person wedding is usually only Very VIPs.
If someone told me my at 8sih weeks post partum that my child wasn’t welcome at their wedding in a few months, I’d just RSVP “no” to the wedding.
If you want the mom (aka DH’s sister) and her partner to attend the wedding, allow the child to attend. If you both don’t mind any distance between FSIL/ the inlaws more generally, then exclude the child (and mom). Is it a perfect scenario? No. However, babies and mom are often a package deal.
Post # 22
On another note, as others have asked how are you already receiving RSVPs for a June wedding? Are people just replying unofficially to a save the date? If so, maybe that’s where the assumption came in, though still rude and no excuse. Invitations would not go out nearly this early let alone already having a means or a deadline for a response.
Post # 23
My husband and I had to decline going to an out of town wedding (5h away) when my son was 2 months old. The couple were unwilling to make an exception for our son to attend and it very much felt like an “unvitation”. The couple also gave my husband a really hard time about him not attending alone, and were adamant that he should be in attendance and leave me at home with my 2 month old and 2 year old (on her BIRTHDAY, no less).
The reason I’m telling you this story is because sometimes the situation seems different to the party on the receiving end.
At ten months old, there’s no reason the baby couldn’t be left with the other grandparents for a few hours…And honestly he should also be in bed by 7pm, lol! That said, if this is the hill you’re going to choose to die on, you have to prepare for it to be an issue for your SIL, and you should also prepare that she does not attend.
Post # 24
Hey everyone, thanks so much for responding.
I can see a few questions so just trying to answer them all:
– The wedding is not a destination wedding
– There will be no other children at the wedding
– The concern really is because it is so intimate, this isnt something we’ve broached with her as yet that it would be very distracting for a baby to be there if it were to be fussy (as some of you have pointed out!) even, as selfish and pathetic as it may sound, to have a pushchair/highchair at the table, it’s at a really famous restaurant and will be a very formal wedding (I point this out as sometimes when people hear its so small they assume it’s “casual” ) my partner loves his Nephew but agrees that its not what we want.
– I’m not sure and nor would I presume to know (or ask!) if she still plans to breastfeed at that point
– Me saying the grandparents were 45 mins away wasn’t me trying to imply I know whats best for her baby, just trying to give a better picture!
– I am trying to avoid conflict here, and I can see some responses that seem p*ssed that I bring up him not being invited, at the same time, I’ve been saving for years for this day and we are having a videographer etc so baby crying would impact this also.
– Happy for baby to come to the evening reception my concern is really the ceremony, speeches etc.
– Would a potential solution be for me to ask the venue if they have any babysitters on site (this is a very nice hotel that is pegged for being baby friendly) so I’m sure they could accomodate for a few hours if needed, or would this cause drama?
Post # 25
talk to your SIL and offer
to ask the venue about babysitters. Some moms might be fine with that and then grab the baby for the later part of the evening. Personally I would not, but I don’t know your SIL.
The thing to realize isn’t only whether someone is able to leave their kid alone with someone else for a few hours, it’s whether they want to/feel comfortable doing so. If she decides that she’s not comfortable with babysitters yet or doesn’t want to deal with pumping or whatever that’s FINE. If she ends up with a kid that refuses bottles or cups she may not have the option to leave the baby. Just don’t guilt her into missing her brother’s wedding if that’s what she chooses. Also know that if this IS her hill to die on that it will likely cause problems for years going forward. Again – only you can know if that’s worth it.
Post # 26
I think the best option is to have your fiance hash this out with his sister. Just make sure he doesn’t start the conversation with “Wedding032020 doesn’t want kids there.”
Post # 27
Ask away at the hotel. They won’t care. Under no circumstances should you imply that your SIL leave her child with a stranger so that your reception can look fancier in photos.
You don’t want a highchair at the table in your ideal vision of your wedding day. That’s fair. Is that more important than having your SIL there? Ultimately, you’re going to have to decide which matters more to you. Babies aren’t elegant people.
Post # 28
I’m a mum to a breastfed 10 month old. I also have a nearly 3 year old. Weddings are way more fun for me without them. if you want a kid free wedding that is 100% ok
HOWEVER, until my daughter is weaned I can’t go to a kid free wedding. She feeds at bed time and refuses bottles. There is no way round that one.
don’t ask the venue about sitters until you’ve talked to SIL. I’d never leave my kids with a stranger. My son would freak his shit being left like that and not sure my daughter would like it much more.
Post # 29
I think it comes down to if she is someone that you and/or your fiance need to have there. I know there are the super VIPs (such as parents, siblings, etc) that if they couldn’t come you would find a way to make it work such as changing the date, etc. If the sister is in that camp then I would discuss with her and probably allow the baby to come. If she’s not then there shouldn’t be a big deal to tell her the baby isn’t allowed and when she RSVP’s NO it’s not a problem.
You/fiance might have to decide what you want more, the sister there (with kid) or her not there. I don’t know which one is right for you, but that’s probably the best way to look at it.
Personally, I don’t know many people that would leave their 10 mo old babies with a stranger. I would only leave my kids with my parents so if that wasn’t an option and my baby or kids weren’t invited I just wouldn’t go. I would be perfectly fine with that, I know having kids means sometimes I can’t or don’t want to do certain things. As long as the parent isn’t guilted or made to feel bad for not attending.
Also, I think it’s somewhat silly to think the baby or a highchair would 100% be a distraction. Literally anything can and will be a distraction. Inlcuding a sporting event people are checking the score (or watching on their phones!) for during your ceremony or the fact that they don’t feel well that day and just want to go home. You will have distracted people at your wedding at some point no matter what.
Post # 30
if the mere presence of a high chair at a reception with 70 ppl will ruin your day….then let’s hope no one else does anything or wears anything to ruin the mystical ambiance you’re attempting to achieve.