Post # 31
Mother of an almost 2 year old here.
I think it’s a nice gesture to ask about the babysitter but don’t be surprised if you’re met with a crazy look. I’d never leave my young child/infant with a random stranger in a hotel. I would look at you like you had 5 heads.
If the baby gets fussy the mother can just leave the room? My daughter was really chill at 10mos. She couldn’t walk yet and was happy being around people. Granted, all babies are different but he might just sit there and smile at people.
Now I would 100% not want to bring her to a fancy wedding because shes a wild cars little toddler who is always moving.
Post # 32
Wow OK, what I meant by the highchair comment is that a child in a high chair, with toys banging their toys on the table will be annoying – call me crazy but kids that age do that (I’m the oldest of 3 by 15 – 21 years), sorry to offend any mums out there…
Post # 33
its a reception/wedding breakfast of 15 people with a 70 people evening party.
See my other comment RE the highchair as I think you’ve taken this a bit out of context.
Very helpful though thank you xxx
Post # 34
absolutely, I do mean it as a nice gesture although I think some posters are taking this as me trying to suggest I know whats best for baby, or that I’d suggest leaving it with a known murderer, this would absolutely be her choice and my OH plans to bring it up with Future Mother-In-Law initially and see what her thoughts are on baby not coming, as she will likely have more insight into SIL’s frame of mind at the moment, she can leave the room of course, its just quite a big area and would be a bit of a fuss to “slip off”, sorry if that makes no sense, I know what I’m trying to say – it’s quite open plan!
Post # 35
For one, I don’t think you were wrong to not invite the baby, but since the SiL is bringing him anyway, this isn’t a hill I would die on. Being that she’s immediate family, it’d be huuuuge drama to uninvite her (refusing to let her bring her baby is just as good as uninviting her). Your wedding is one fleeting day, but your relationship with your SiL will last forever, so it’s not worth it to muddy the water over this.
I would contact the hotel about daycare…if it’s available, have your husband contact his sister about the childcare option at the hotel and what the vision for y’all’s wedding is…try to be as tactful as possible without outright saying you don’t want her baby there. Something like: “We’re having a very intimate wedding at so-and-so restaurant and we’re just concerned that [nephew] might not last long, so we wanted to let you know that the hotel has daycare available, or that you might want to consider a sitter for the day”. If she still insists on bringing her baby, c’est la vie, but at least you tried. Chances are she might not want to stay very long with a squirming baby/toddler, regardless.
I doubt one baby can ruin your day, especially if SiL is more “aware” of everyone…in my experience most mothers know how to keep their babies quiet when necessary (such as during your vows/speeches) or will leave the room if they need to. Unless she’s the type to refuse to step out with a crying babe, I think you’ll hardly notice.
Post # 36
Good lord a baby with a toy is going to be distracting? I’m sure the mother is capable of quieting her own kid. I assume they will be sitting near the grandparents too most likely; you could always ask them to referee if the parents are acting oblivious (which I really doubt is going to happen, most people don’t want to be the ones with the annoying kid at a formal event).
I would not bother asking about child care. Most parents are not going to leave their baby with a complete stranger.
I think this is going to come down to—would you rather have his sister not attend, or have the baby there? Because for me I would have declined when my daughter was 10 months.
And you still haven’t answered why you’re asking for RSVPs more than 6 months out?
Post # 37
thank you, this is really helpful, I think this is the best way to position it
Post # 38
we havent, sent out Save the Dates and got an RSVP card back from her.
Ultimately this is a question of us wanting a child free wedding, and having no other kids there, including my little sister who is 3, surely we’re within our rights to want that?
Post # 39
You’re within your rights to have any wedding you want. She’s within her right to choose not to attend, which I’m going to tell you right now is likely. If you’re ok with that, proceed.
Post # 40
You’re within your rights to want a child-free wedding, just as she is within her rights to decline the invitation because she is not comfortable leaving such a small child with a stranger, and to be offended that she and the baby did not make the cut for your intimate party. The question is, what’s more important to you- having her there and your future relationship, or having a classier event.
Post # 41
- Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise
These questions always rile the hive; don’t take it too personally.
You are entitled to have the kind of wedding you envision. INCLUDING a wedding and INTIMATE lunch at what sounds like a very elegant restaurant, without a baby in tow.
Personally, I would feel just as you do. Fine dining establishments – in my opinion – are no place for young children who cannot display the correct manners for that setting. Just like you wouldn’t take an infant into a bar – because it’s not an appropriate setting for them.
It’s not your responsibility to accomodate other people’s assumptions. Lots of people might assume they are invited for a whole host of reasons. That doesn’t mean you have to invite them.
Several people have said this isn’t a hill to die on, but I disagree. Boundary issues tend to persist in family dynamics. Once the precedent is set that SIL expects you to make exceptions for the way she wants things, it’s harder to establish the reverse. Think – negotiating holiday plans, expectations around how she/her children may interact with your children (should you plan to have them) I think setting clear limits for this event can demonstrate the appropriate boundary setting behavior she should expect to see continue throughout your marriage.
You and your FH are in agreement. This is not an infant appropriate event. If you want to include her in the larger and less format reception later in the evening, that seems like a perfectly reasonable compromise.
Post # 42
I’d like to think that if she chose not to attend the wedding due to baby not being invited, she wouldn’t hate us forever.
When the shoe was on the other foot and she was getting married, she also chose to have a child free wedding and there were babies in the immediate family.
Post # 43
Thanks for understanding.
It’s tough as I know feelings will be hurt, either way, especially as my younger siblings arent coming and that was an awkward conversation for me to have, if Future Sister-In-Law had baby with her it’d then be another awkward conversation with my Step Mum RE why we were selective on kids!
I have often felt bullied by Future Sister-In-Law but trying to not let this cloud my judgement, I’m sure she’s a great mum and knows when to take baby off etc and her husband will be there to help out, it’s just, we don’t want kids there and the anxiety of having a baby at our ceremony.
Post # 44
you are completely within your rights to have a kid free wedding. You don’t need to justify that decision or apologise for it.
if it was just a save the date you sent I can see where the confusion came from. Your FH has to make it clear to SIL that it’s a kid free wedding.
You do have to accept though that they may decline because baby can’t come. Like I said, I’d have to if it was me. You cannot get upset that she doesn’t come or come up with ‘solutions’ for her.
none of us are saying that a new sitter at the hotel is like leaving them with a murderer lol, it’s just not many kids like being left with someone they don’t know.
Post # 45
given your update here that she had a childfree wedding, i think your fiancee should just talk to her and say you wanted a kid free wedding.
i think this may all just be a misunderstanding. while i would not assuming my baby was invited to a big evening wedding reception with dancing, i think she might be forgiven for thinking that a baby might be invited to a family-only breakfast (especially when there is also a reception later that night).
just have your fiance talk to her and nip this in the bud before there are hard feelings.