Future SIL assuming baby is invited…

posted 2 years ago in Guests
Post # 31
Hostess
720 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Mother of an almost 2 year old here.

I think it’s a nice gesture to ask about the babysitter but don’t be surprised if you’re met with a crazy look. I’d never leave my young child/infant with a random stranger in a hotel. I would look at you like you had 5 heads. 

If the baby gets fussy the mother can just leave the room? My daughter was really chill at 10mos. She couldn’t walk yet and was happy being around people. Granted, all babies are different but he might just sit there and smile at people.

Now I would 100% not want to bring her to a fancy wedding because shes a wild cars little toddler who is always moving.

Post # 35
Member
876 posts
Busy bee

For one, I don’t think you were wrong to not invite the baby, but since the SiL is bringing him anyway, this isn’t a hill I would die on. Being that she’s immediate family, it’d be huuuuge drama to uninvite her (refusing to let her bring her baby is just as good as uninviting her). Your wedding is one fleeting day, but your relationship with your SiL will last forever, so it’s not worth it to muddy the water over this. 

I would contact the hotel about daycare…if it’s available, have your husband contact his sister about the childcare option at the hotel and what the vision for y’all’s wedding is…try to be as tactful as possible without outright saying you don’t want her baby there. Something like: “We’re having a very intimate wedding at so-and-so restaurant and we’re just concerned that [nephew] might not last long, so we wanted to let you know that the hotel has daycare available, or that you might want to consider a sitter for the day”. If she still insists on bringing her baby, c’est la vie, but at least you tried. Chances are she might not want to stay very long with a squirming baby/toddler, regardless. 

I doubt one baby can ruin your day, especially if SiL is more “aware” of everyone…in my experience most mothers know how to keep their babies quiet when necessary (such as during your vows/speeches) or will leave the room if they need to. Unless she’s the type to refuse to step out with a crying babe, I think you’ll hardly notice. 

Post # 36
Member
8464 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Good lord a baby with a toy is going to be distracting? I’m sure the mother is capable of quieting her own kid. I assume they will be sitting near the grandparents too most likely; you could always ask them to referee if the parents are acting oblivious (which I really doubt is going to happen, most people don’t want to be the ones with the annoying kid at a formal event).

I would not bother asking about child care. Most parents are not going to leave their baby with a complete stranger.

I think this is going to come down to—would you rather have his sister not attend, or have the baby there? Because for me I would have declined when my daughter was 10 months.

And you still haven’t answered why you’re asking for RSVPs more than 6 months out?

Post # 39
Member
4359 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

You’re within your rights to have any wedding you want. She’s within her right to choose not to attend, which I’m going to tell you right now is likely. If you’re ok with that, proceed.

Post # 40
Member
582 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

You’re within your rights to want a child-free wedding, just as she is within her rights to decline the invitation because she is not comfortable leaving such a small child with a stranger, and to be offended that she and the baby did not make the cut for your intimate party. The question is, what’s more important to you- having her there and your future relationship, or having a classier event.

Post # 41
Member
2130 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise

View original reply
wedding032020 :  These questions always rile the hive; don’t take it too personally. 

You are entitled to have the kind of wedding you envision. INCLUDING a wedding and INTIMATE lunch at what sounds like a very elegant restaurant, without a baby in tow. 

Personally, I would feel just as you do. Fine dining establishments – in my opinion – are no place for young children who cannot display the correct manners for that setting. Just like you wouldn’t take an infant into a bar – because it’s not an appropriate setting for them. 

It’s not your responsibility to accomodate other people’s assumptions. Lots of people might assume they are invited for a whole host of reasons. That doesn’t mean you have to invite them. 

Several people have said this isn’t a hill to die on, but I disagree. Boundary issues tend to persist in family dynamics. Once the precedent is set that SIL expects you to make exceptions for the way she wants things, it’s harder to establish the reverse. Think – negotiating holiday plans, expectations around how she/her children may interact with your children (should you plan to have them) I think setting clear limits for this event can demonstrate the appropriate boundary setting behavior she should expect to see continue throughout your marriage. 

You and your FH are in agreement. This is not an infant appropriate event. If you want to include her in the larger and less format reception later in the evening, that seems like a perfectly reasonable compromise. 

Post # 44
Member
3294 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

View original reply
wedding032020 :  you are completely within your rights to have a kid free wedding. You don’t need to justify that decision or apologise for it. 
if it was just a save the date you sent I can see where the confusion came from. Your FH has to make it clear to SIL that it’s a kid free wedding. 

You do have to accept though that they may decline because baby can’t come. Like I said, I’d have to if it was me. You cannot get upset that she doesn’t come or come up with ‘solutions’ for her.

 

none of us are saying that a new sitter at the hotel is like leaving them with a murderer lol, it’s just not many kids like being left with someone they don’t know. 

Post # 45
Member
559 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
wedding032020 :  given your update here that she had a childfree wedding, i think your fiancee should just talk to her and say you wanted a kid free wedding.

i think this may all just be a misunderstanding.  while i would not assuming my baby was invited to a big evening wedding reception with dancing, i think she might be forgiven for thinking that a baby might be invited to a family-only breakfast (especially when there is also a reception later that night).

just have your fiance talk to her and nip this in the bud before there are hard feelings.

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