Future SIL assuming baby is invited…

posted 2 years ago in Guests
Post # 46
Member
13661 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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wedding032020 : My suggestion for a nearby sitter did not necessarily imply someone who is a stranger to you or your SIL.

Also, are you in the UK? I don’t like them regardless of how common they are there, but if you are not, tiered receptions with A and B lists are not considered acceptable. 

Post # 47
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3424 posts
Sugar bee

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wedding032020 :  “When the shoe was on the other foot and she was getting married, she also chose to have a child free wedding and there were babies in the immediate family.”

That’s pretty rich…SIL sounds like a piece of work.

I think if you stand firm that this is a childfree wedding, but provide an alternative to make it easier for SIL to come (like hiring a babysitter who can watch the baby at the hotel somewhere), that is more than generous. They don’t have to take you up on it, and you 100% shouldn’t pressure them at all either. But just offering to provide this option shows you’re being considerate and trying to make this doable for them, which any reasonable person would appreciate the gesture.

I was invited to a childfree wedding when my baby was about 7 months old. We were still breastfeeding and she was on a bottle strike, so leaving her for any length of time was next to impossible. The bride arranged for two sitters to come to the venue to watch my baby and another guest’s baby. I’d never met these sitters before, but they had good references, and since I’d be on site myself, I felt ok about it. It worked out amazingly…I was able to enjoy the reception without trying to wrangle my baby, but could still pop down to the nursery every hour or so to make sure my baby was okay and to breastfeed as needed. Not saying all parents would be good with this option, but plenty might!

ETA: If SIL blows a gasket that you aren’t inviting the 10m old, I would respond very calmly, “We want you to be at our wedding and are trying to make it easier for you to do so by providing a sitter; however, we completely understand if you’re not comfortable with that option and can’t make it. Given that you chose not to include any babies in your wedding either, I’m sure you can understand where we’re coming from.”

Post # 48
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582 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

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wedding032020 :  you know her best. Maybe she is the type who wouldn’t be offended at all. If I were in her shoes, I certainly wouldn’t “hate” you, but  I would interpret the situation as you not valuing our relationship super highly. Because to me, a wedding is all about family and your vips. I would think if you really valued someone’s friendship, you would make accommodations. But, that’s my take on it- you know her best!

 

Post # 50
Member
9221 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Personally I wouldn’t throw the fact that she had a kid-free wedding back in her face. It was before she was a mom and she probably didn’t realize how much of an inconvenience it is for nursing parents. Would it have been nice for her to be understanding back then? Of course. But she’s allowed to grow and learn too. When my daughter was a baby we were able to attend two kid free weddings – she was an exception at one and not at the other. The one where she wasn’t invited she also decided to go on a 7 hour bottle strike (first one ever!) and my poor mother was left with a miserable baby until I got back and was able to give her a boob. After that experience we didn’t risk it again. 

Post # 51
Member
787 posts
Busy bee

Jesus Christ some of these people on here are ridiculous.

It’s YOUR wedding. YOU and your Fiance are paying for it. You said yourself you have saved for YEARS for this.

You are NOT wrong at all to not want SIL’s baby there. And it SHOULDN’T be there. You are NOT wrong for not wanting to have a high chair and loud baby during your reception and ceremony. DO NOT let the bees on here make you feel like that as they have been trying.

From your updates, SIL also sounds like a piece of work. Tell your Fiance to let her know nephew not invited and it’s childfree. If she doesn’t come – too bad. Less stress for you anyway.

Enjoy your CHILDFREE wedding!!!!!!!

Post # 52
Member
1356 posts
Bumble bee

Have the wedding you and your Fiance want. Just as your SIL had the wedding she wanted.

I also had a child free wedding and I don’t regret it for an instant. For us, it was perfect.

Post # 53
Member
3294 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

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wedding032020 :  a lot of people on this site don’t get the UK evening reception thing – I’m in the UK it’s normal and fine.

from what you say I think this might just be an assumption and misunderstanding. I did the same thing and assumed my baby would be invited to a kid free wedding because she was breastfed – totally my bad and when the invite came and it was no babies at all that was fine. We couldn’t go because of it but that was ok. 

I also agreed with the bride and groom that their wedding wasn’t suitable for babies.

 

i think you need to have a conversation with her and just let her know that you meant no kids at all. Or you let her come to the ceremony with baby and the dinner is kid free. For me it’s easier to do things in the day with baby as any evening event is out until baby is in bed anyway.

Post # 54
Member
8464 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I had a child free wedding so I see nothing wrong with that in general, however I didn’t have any VIPs with young children. If it meant my sibling couldn’t attend we probably would have done things differently.

If your Fiance doesn’t care that his sister isn’t at his wedding, then go for it.

I would suggest that he bring this up to her now though. Like “hey sis just fyi, we aren’t planning on having kids at the wedding. Hope you can still make it!” Be prepared for some hurt feelings, and don’t be surprised when the grandparents get huffy about it too.

Post # 55
Member
3424 posts
Sugar bee

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LilliV :  I wouldn’t throw it in her face either unless she really flips a shit – then I think it’s 100% fair game to bring it up. It’s a little rich that SIL only “grew and learned” once it became convenient for her.

ETA: as someone who also “grew and learned” about many things once I had a child of my own, I get it – but I’d also never flip out on someone for not inviting my child to their wedding if I’d had a childfree wedding myself. That’s hypocritical to an insane degree.

Post # 56
Member
4359 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

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Westwood :  I agree. It might not be “fair” or “proper etiquette”, but if I told my sibling “hey I can’t come if my kid can’t “, and they were fine with it I’d be hurt. 

I’m not saying she has the right to demand her child attends, or anything like that. But I do think you need to realize that the underlying message here is that the ambience of your wedding is more important to you than her being there. But if you don’t like her, maybe that’s how you feel anyway! Lol

Post # 57
Member
9221 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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emilyofnewmoon :  that’s fair if she throws a fit I think. Someone suggested reminding her of the fact right off the bat which I think is a little rude. FWIW I also had a child free wedding so I totally get it. 

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sweetdee89 :  I don’t think most people are saying she isn’t allowed to have a child free wedding. They’re just telling her to prepare for a shit storm if the in-laws make a fuss about it. She gets to decide how her wedding goes down – but she doesn’t get to decide how other people react to her choices and she cannot force invitees to attend. Some in-laws might decide to skip the wedding and holding a longstanding grudge over something like this and OP should decide whether she and her fiance are ok with that possibility. Maybe they are! But if they aren’t then they need to think about it. 

Post # 58
Member
3424 posts
Sugar bee

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LilliV :  Yeah agreed. I definitely have changed my views regarding childfree weddings since having a child myself….I’m generally more in favor of including children when possible. But that’s just my personal opinion and I don’t get offended or anything if my child isn’t invited to a wedding, since I had a childfree wedding myself! I see both sides – my views have just shifted.

I totally agree with pp saying that if excluding SIL’s child means SIL can’t come, OP is prioritizing the ambiance of her wedding over her SIL being there. Which is understandable if she doesn’t like SIL lol but trying to frame it any other way feels disingenuous.

Post # 59
Member
9221 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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emilyofnewmoon :  I still don’t want kids at weddings even though I have one! But, to me at least, breastfeeding infants have always been the exception. Particularly for a VIP. I can understand that a random friend chose not to invite my infant (and since it was a friend my mom was able to babysit), but I’d be pretty upset if my brother’s siblings didn’t make an exception for a nursing baby. In fact my Brother-In-Law and SIL had been talking about doing a courthouse wedding for months and then last minute decided to do it right after I gave birth with a day’s notice that it was happening.  My husband felt so guilty leaving me, but also wasn’t about to skip his brothers wedding, but also was pissed they planned it so that I couldn’t go. Later they said “we thought it was easier to wait until after the baby was born so you could come!”. Morons. But I can’t hold a grudge against stupid since they weren’t malicious lol. 

Post # 60
Member
6586 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

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