Future SIL assuming baby is invited…

posted 2 years ago in Guests
Post # 61
Member
6586 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

teamroro :  Your comment reminded me of this movie and now I’m going to watch it for the 100th time!

Post # 62
Member
3789 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Just chiming in to say that 10 months is the height of stranger danger / separation anxiety. I would never leave my 10 month old with a random babysitter that I or he have never met. 

Its fine to exclude the baby, but you may also be excluding the SIL. Just decide if that is worth your wedding vision. What does your Fiance think if it means the sister won’t / can’t come either?

Post # 63
Member
9220 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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eeniebeans :  off topic, but breweries are some of the most family friendly places for us to go! Especially the ones with patios so we can bring the dog. I thought it would be weird and then we went and I was one of probably a dozen moms nursing and chatting away. On the plus side they are more likely to offer small pours so you can have a beer without commiting to a big beer. 

Post # 64
Member
6586 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

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LilliV :  Oh I absolutely agree with you! I have 3 kids myself and many of the local breweries are very family friendly with playgrounds and swing sets. I wasn’t making a commentary about that at all- the PP just reminded me of one of my guilty pleasure movies. Also, to be fair, that movie was made 17 years ago and times and venues have changed. 

Post # 65
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2019 - Our Backyard in Hawai’i

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wedding032020 :  I totally understand you. You’re not a bridezilla at all! I have a similar situation, I put the names of the people we’ve invited on the invitation and mentioned we saved 2 seats for them and they still are bringing their 3 year old son. ANOTHER couple is also bringing their 7 month old son. I am so stressed about the kids being fussy but I hope they are cordial enough to sneak away when the kids start crying. 

Post # 66
Member
1484 posts
Bumble bee

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LilliV :  100% this. OP can do what she wants….but her choices will have consequences and I don’t think offending SIL and her new in laws with this is the hill to die on here.

The baby likely will not be an actual fuss and if he is…mom will likely handle it like she would otherwise. This “issue” has more to do with OP not liking her SIL than the actual baby being present in a room with 70 other ppl.

Thing is, OP says SIL likes to be the center of attention and by disinviting her child she will make her the center of attention for at least a bit while the family deals with it. If it were my child that my brother’s soon to be wife was targeting in an effort to handle me, I wouldn’t be very polite about letting my thoughts about the situation be known. But that’s just me.

If I were you, I would keep my mouth shut and let it ride. Perhaps you can have them seated in an area where she can sneak out into the lobby easily if you’re genuinely concerned.

Post # 69
Member
8464 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

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wedding032020 :  You said you were worried about the baby banging a toy on a high chair though. I’m assuming you’re not having high chairs at your ceremony?

Post # 70
Member
3294 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

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wedding032020 :  have you said to her yet that it’s a kid free wedding? You said you had to speak to your side but not if it’s been mentioned to here.

it sounds like she might just have assumed that as close family baby would be invited. If you tell her it’s kid free she might be ok with it. Like you say she has a hen weekend the month after so is probably working on being able to leave baby by then 

Post # 71
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee

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wedding032020 :  Just one thing to consider – it might also be worth asking your partner how his parents would feel if his sister was “forced” to decline the invite because her baby was not included. Not saying you have to factor this into your decision, but I know in my family something like this would not only affect the relationship between siblings, my parents would also likely have some strong feelings about “excluding” family or a sibling from what is seen to be an important family event. In that case, the question becomes not just “do you care about upsetting Future Sister-In-Law, who you don’t like that much?” but rather “Do you care about what your in-laws think of you and how that relationship will be going forward?”

Post # 72
Member
1558 posts
Bumble bee

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wedding032020 :  I wouldn’t recommend you let your fiance’s SIL bully you into allowing her to bring her 10-month-old. Especially given her past behavior and inconsistencies, it’s important to set the tone of your relationship with her and signal that you will not be manipulated. If she decides not to go it’s her choice–you weren’t “excluding her” nor was she “forced” to decline–and she can face the repercussions. If it detrimentally affects your relationship with her or your future in-laws going forward it speaks more to their character than yours.

On another note, is it possible to ask the venue to include a no-children clause? That might be a conflict avoidant approach.

Post # 73
Member
6299 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I haven’t read through every reply, but I’m just gonna say I know I probably have an unpopular opinion. I’m a wedding photographer AND was a nursing mom – so I definitely see all sides of a wedding day. That being said I’m a firm believer that my choice to be a parent is 100% my own choice and shouldn’t impeed anyone else. Your wedding day is your wedding day and if you don’t want kids my choice as a parent is to find a sitter or decline the invite. I personally don’t see nursing as some magical exemption from the guidlines surrounding an invitation to an event. I’m obviously pro breastfeeding as I did it myself, but it was MY choice to breastfeed and in those early weeks/months there were plenty of events I turned down invites to simply because it just wasn’t worth it for me. Now I also pumped so I do understand that gives me a different perspective, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong wtih mom’s who choose not to pump and strictly nurse. If that’s how they want to do it, by all means they should go for it. But they can’t be offended when they’re invited to a child-free event simply because they don’t want or can’t leave their child. That’s the choice they made when they became a parent. 

 ETA: And to add, as a wedding photographer I have yet to be at a wedding where kids present didn’t make a disruption of some sort. It’s not that kids are being “bad”, they’re just being kids. Unfortunately that kind of behavior just isn’t appropriate at a formal event. Also, as the mom to an almost 20 month old I can’t think of anything I’d rather do less than take a 10 month old to an intimate formal wedding w/ sit-down meal. That sounds like my idea of a nightmare and it’s crazy to think that SIL would even want to do it. BUT, I also recognize that people with that kind of personality it’s often less about being snubbed and more about wanting to be the center of attention and show their child off.

Post # 74
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee

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LilliV :  Oh I completely agree with that! The couple should invite who they wish but they don’t then get to dictate whether or not people accept an invite. I also agree that if you don’t want to accommodate babies/kids, you should absolutely graciously accept that people may not come. I also think guests shouldn’t hold it against a couple if they choose not to come and the couple doesn’t cave. As a host you get to choose who you do and don’t invite and as a guest you get to choose if you do or don’t accept. The rest is out of your control.

It is utterly disgusting to me that your “friends” said that to you! Good for the other people (if that is what they wanted) but there is no way in the world I would leave a 6 week old, and there is also no way I would bring one to a wedding. I’m so sorry that happened to you. I actually had a similar response when a family member found out I was due 3 weeks before their 60th celebrations next year. They asked why I couldn’t leave the kids with my husband and come alone, and then asked why I couldn’t just bring the baby. I reminded this family member that they told me during my first pregnancy to never take a baby to a crowded place prior to their vaccinations and asked why they felt differently now that it didn’t suit them…

Post # 75
Member
1484 posts
Bumble bee

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wedding032020 :  maybe clarification is needed then. If it isn’t about the reception, then why mention the famous restaurant or the high chair? If it’s not about this baby or this SIL in particular then why frame the original post that way? 

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Westwood :  yup. 

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