Future SIL assuming baby is invited…

posted 2 years ago in Guests
Post # 76
Member
2130 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise

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chocolateplease :  The restaurant is part of the intimate 14 person event. First the ceremony, then the lunch. LATER IN THE EVENING is the 70 person larger reception part. 

Post # 78
Member
698 posts
Busy bee

I think your future husband should just tell her. At 10 months she should be able to leave the baby for few hours to attend the ceremony/lunch and then bring the baby to reception because it will be longer? I think the question is also if she will step out of the baby is crying which most people are taking as offensive “mother knows best” but we all know parents who don’t think their kids poop stinks and crying is so cute and they are so self centered to not leave. I have seen it at movies, weddings and up scale restaurants. We get it you are the parent but that does not mean that there are not parents around who don’t monitor their kids at all. A lot of moms even go back to work by 10 months, not sure if your SIL works but a couple of hours should not be a big deal for brothers wedding. I could maybe understand if the baby was few old I prob would not want to go to the wedding at all but at 10 months a lot of babies are not completely dependent on milk, can take bottles and as stated above at least in the US a lot of moms have returned to work. 

Post # 79
Member
768 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Okay I had a kid free wedding too but i wouldn’t extend that prohibition to such a close family member 

 

seems harsh to me 

Post # 80
Member
1183 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Her kid is invited to the evening reception. That’s good enough! She can figure out childcare for the rest of the time. Agree that your FH should be the one delivering that message, and he should say it to both her and her husband so she can’t pretend she was never told.

And if she wears white, I’d be tempted to have a friend bump into her while holding a glass of red wine. But I’m evil that way ;P

Post # 82
Member
1573 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

“gently tried to ask her to ask the other set of grandparents look after the baby overnight, as the baby is being weened anyway and hardly breastfed now, so this shouldn’t be an issue ”   

In your SIL’s place, I’d decline.  Unless you’re a real pro, there’s no way to suggest that someone leave their baby overnight just to attend your party without coming across like a self-centered jerk.  There’s no way to know far in advance how fussy a sleeper an infant will be at night, or how comfortable the mother will be with leaving an infant for a long stretch. It doesn’t matter how much OTHER people think she should leave her baby behind without issue. This is 100% her call. 

That said, saying “I’ll bring my baby anyway” is a jerk move on its own. 

Post # 83
Member
209 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2020

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wedding032020 :  do you have a wedding planner/day of coordinator or ushers? I would have them ask her to leave the ceremony (or not allow in in the first place) as it is a child free ceremony

Post # 84
Member
7972 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

i bfed my daughter until 20 months.  at 10 months, she was perfectly fine staying at home with dad while i went out for a night.

i was away from my daughter for 36 hours at that age.  i pumped when i needed to pump.

i had 2 or 3 nurising mothers a my child free weddings.  it wasn’t their first children, so maybe that made the difference. but they were super happy for a night out.  one was local and one was staying at the hotel.  the local mom just pumped in the OOT’s hotel room.  and if there was a 3rd mom she was Out of Town too.

 

Post # 85
Member
2056 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Clearly SIl isn’t getting the memo. Your husband needs to call her or email or text her and say point blank.

– Hi I heard about comments you made that baby wasn’t invited to our wedding but you are bringing him/ her anyways. The invitation was for you and husband only. Our ceremony is child free. We are sorry if you feel that means you can’t attend and we will miss you but we understand. 

done. Telling someone blatantly Infront of a room full of people that your doing what you want anyways despite getting an invitation that was clear is super rude, passive aggressive and very entitled. Simply for that reason I wouldn’t let that fly. No one is going to pull that shit with me. She could have acted like an adult and pulled you or fiancé aside and asked but she chose to pull that stunt. Nope. 

Post # 86
Member
2102 posts
Buzzing bee

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wedding032020 :  I remember my thoughts when you first posted this thread.  Note, I’m a mother of three who breastfed two out of the three.

1) I would never dream of taking my baby or toddler to anyone’s formal wedding of any size, but how much more unthinkable for a small wedding when their cries or squeals would be very in your face and disruptive.

2) If I didn’t have babysitting I trusted or for any other reason felt uncomfortable leaving my baby I would stay home with my baby and not blame someone else for the situation.  My baby, my responsibility.

3) Even if I had babysitting I wouldn’t want to be away from my baby all day and night for basically the same event. Stressful for baby, stressful for me.  I would attend the wedding and intimate luncheon following the wedding then go home.

4) Bringing that stuff up during Christmas dinner is a pathetic intimidation move.  And no accident that she did it when your SO wasn’t there.  Please!  I’d call her myself if my SO wouldn’t do it and make things clear.  No babies.

My baby wasn’t invited but we’re bringing him anyway.  Smh!  Lol….Nope.

Post # 88
Member
3598 posts
Sugar bee

Honestly, you made your decision so assuming your feelings haven’t changed, I think you just need to calmly but firmly stand by your no child rule, and refuse to engage in debates about it.

SIL: “I’m so hurt that you’re excluding your own nephew from your wedding!”

FH: “I understand – but this is what we’ve decided.”

SIL: “But how can you do this! I’m still breastfeeding 900x a day!”

FH: “I understand, but our decision has been made. Let’s talk about something else.”

SIL: BUT…

FH: I love you SIL and I understand you’re upset, but I have nothing else to say about this. Can we talk about something else? 

Then he needs to remove himself from the convo by hanging up the phone/leaving the room if she keeps harping.

I have a lot to say about other points in your post but I don’t even think it’s worth going there. Y’all made your decision – you’re completely entitled to it – so just stand firm and do not engage!

Post # 89
Member
1573 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Let her know that if she doesn’t want to attend without the baby, she shouldn’t feel obligated to attend.  She’ll be offended, but that’s the risk you run with child free weddings when VIPs have young children.

Post # 90
Member
197 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

You need to stop negotiating with her. No baby means no baby. You and your fiance have made your decision, and you need to be firm with her. She does not need to let you know if she’s had a “change of heart” about asking the grandparents to babysit. She needs to let you know whether her and her husband are coming without the baby, or not at all. This issue should not still be outstanding months later. It still is because she knows she can walk all over you. If you don’t put your foot down, you’ll end up with a crying baby in your ceremony. From the way you’ve described her, I can’t imagine she has the common sense and decency to step out if he starts to cry.

You are allowed to have a childfree wedding. Yes, some people won’t like it. But it’s still your decision, and you need to own it. Tell her she is not welcome if she just shows up with the baby like she threatened to. Make it clear that it is not up for discussion, and stop trying to come up with a childcare arrangement that she’ll accept. That’s on her to arrange.

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