Future SIL assuming baby is invited…

posted 2 years ago in Guests
Post # 91
Member
13646 posts
Honey Beekeeper

If you have 5 and 3 year siblings you didn’t invite, to make an exception for the baby may be hurtful. I suppose you can make the case that the baby is still nursing, though you don’t seem to believe it.  Personally, I would have included immediate family children, but that’s just me. Your sister in law is behaving very badly. 

Post # 92
Member
3058 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

I suspect mrsEntitled will show up with the kid anyway thinking it’s too late for you to do anything.  I would have your fiance explain to her in advance that she will be asked to leave if so.  Then have a plan in place to do exactly that at the wedding. …

Post # 93
Member
2023 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

It sounds like this is not about the baby for your SIL, but about control and having her way to your detriment. The fact that she lied about breastfeeding and is going to a wedding solo shortly after your wedding negates the idea that it is is physically impossible to leave her child. The fact that your own siblings aren’t attending negates the idea that she is offended that her child is the only family member excluded. So, it’s about getting her way. Given that, I don’t think she would make any effort to quiet her baby during your ceremony. As a PP said, I would stop negotiating with and trying to accommodate her. Just have your fiance firmly tell her that no children will be at the ceremony. Period.

Post # 94
Member
564 posts
Busy bee

Yeah, at this point stop going back and forth or discussing it with her or your future in laws at all. Have your fiance tell her “No babies/children, I’m sorry for the inconvenience, but if you show up with the baby unfortunately you’ll be turned away”. Sounds harsh, but she’s being crazy so you need to be firm.

Post # 95
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee

I agree with PPs. This may sound harsh, but her behavior sets a precedent for how she plans to treat you in the future and you need to set the record straight now that it’s not going to happen that way. She needs to learn to respect you, whether or not it’s 100% convenient for her or exactly what she wants. 

Post # 96
Member
2068 posts
Buzzing bee

I posted earlier, but here’s my assessment of what’s happening here.

I want to preface by saying that while I would not attempt to bring my own baby to an event like this because I think it would be uncomfortable for everyone, especially the baby, I don’t generally think that kid/baby free weddings are a good idea.  People get offended, fighting ensues, and family relationships take damage.  Not always, but often.  In any case, I think there is more going on here and it’s all about your sil, because that’s how she operates.

I think she is fully intending on showing up with the baby and has just been stalling with the conversation run-around.  Consider when your husband spoke to her directly, she said she would get her in-laws to watch the baby and agreed that she and her husband would attend without the baby.  It wasn’t until weeks later that it came out that she had not spoken to them and didn’t intend to.  She is turning this into a power struggle that she intends to win.  It’s so unfortunate that this is the situation.  It’s unfortunate that she’s like this as this a personality issue and will not be isolated to happening just regarding your wedding.  People who feel the need to set up power plays so they can win them are deeply self obsessed, attention hungry people who are never going to interact with others in a straight forward way.  She’ll turn everything into some kind of power/control or superiority dynamic.  Hence bringing up the baby thing at Christmas dinner.  She saved it up for Christmas dinner on purpose and played it exactly how she needed to in order to smugly make her statement while your husband was away from the table and in the process make you feel powerless. 

I guess you can tell by this point that this is the behavior of a narcissist.  It seems like there’s a lot of that discussed on this site, but it’s really not surprising.  People usually come here with problems that are “treatment resistant,” or in other words, problems that don’t respond to ordinary attempts to reach a resolution.  Narcissism is a beast to deal with and a non-narcissist will never really get the solution they want–which is a straight forward relationship that is mutually respectful and considerate, devoid of head games.  Nope, sorry.  Not with a narcissist.  There will always be headgames and “considerate” is the last thing a narcissist wants to be, but they’ll dwell on that word endlessly, claiming that they are and you aren’t.  To end the madness, people who don’t wish to submit to the constant head games and humiliation tactics, end up concluding that the only way to make it stop is to get away from the narcissist and that means either covert avoidance or overt termination of the relationship.  I think this will be brought to a head and you will be facing this choice eventually–the choice of getting this narcissistic woman out of your life for your own sanity.  She’ll be playing power games between holidays, during holidays, while you’re just trying to live your life. She’s like Samara, she won’t stop. 

So, what does that have to do with this wedding and the baby thing?  Well, expect the power game.  Don’t be surprised when she lies and makes agreements that she doesn’t follow through on.  You now know that speaking directly to her doesn’t do much because she’ll just pretend to agree, the whole time planning on doing what she wants.

You have to prepare yourself for the eventuality of her showing up to the wedding and luncheon with the baby and even adding a lie that they did try to get the in-laws to watch the baby but her mil wasn’t feeling well or something ridiculous.  What are you going to do?

You have a few choices and none of them are what you want.

1) tell your in-laws that you turned in the headcount to the restaurant minus sil and husband since they said they won’t attend without the baby and you respect their decision.  The fighting and accusations will be endless and will likely damage your relationship with your in-laws.  (They’ll blame you more than they’ll blame their own son.  I know.  I have a narcissist bil). This will likely lead to step two as she’ll pretend to agree to leave baby at home.  See step two.

2) have the whole conversation again to try to get her to agree to attend without the baby.  This is the definition of insanity as you’ve tried that multiple times and you’ve learned already that she can’t be trusted to keep her word.  This will likely result in her pretending to agree but then showing up with the baby anyway with a triumphant expression like the cat that swallowed the canary.  She’s been planning this for months.  She’ll give a half baked excuse that her mil was going to watch the baby but then she wasn’t feeling well at the last minute blah blah.

3) anticipate her bringing the baby and know that your family will be insulted.  Try to prepare your family in advance by telling them about your rude sil.  Good luck with that.  It comes off gossipy and they’re still left hurt that they couldn’t bring your siblings.

4) cave and lift the baby ban as well as the kid ban.

 

Your sil wins no matter what.  If she stays home with the baby, she’ll cry martyr.  If she brings the baby she’ll be smug about, you’ll be furious instead of enjoying the moment (she’ll know that and love every second of it) and your family will be offended.

is unfortunate, but kid-free weddings are usually a source of family strife.  But with a narcissist, there will always be some cause for family strife.  Your sil will see to it.  I think a future relationship with your sil is doomed, so I wouldn’t invest too much energy in trying to salvage that.  Don’t waste much energy in apologies to her ever for anything.  She’ll eat them up and spit them back out at you.

I’ll say in finality, I don’t know if your vision of a kid-free, baby-free wedding day is worth the net cost.  It’s your right, of course, and I’ve been clear that I think your sil is out of line.  It’s my impression that she’s a raging sabotaging narcissist.  I couldn’t have been more clear about my disapproval, as well as concern, for her behavior.  But what do you get at the end of all of this?  There’s going to be fallout from this that may last a long time, not just with your fiance’s family but with your own.  I’m sorry your sil is a pathological jerk but I think this was a recipe for trouble from the beginning.  Especially since some of the family being turned away are your own siblings, had you posted early on about your plans, I know that nearly everyone here, myself included, would have recommended that you reshape your vision to accommodate your siblings and your sil’s baby to avoid all of this strife.  Particularly your siblings…. they’re going to remember being left at home instead of being allowed to attend their sister’s wedding.  I think you may end up regretting that badly down the road.  It’s your right, but I think you’re going to regret this for many reasons.

But I hope things turn out ok.  Maybe by some miracle, sil’s baby won’t show up.  Best wishes.

Post # 97
Member
154 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2021

I hate to say the wrong thing, but I think she is being rude and selfish.  Women who are nursing pump their breasts, leave the bottles with the sitter and go to the wedding, or skip the earlier events, do the same and just attend the reception for four hours.  She really can’t expect to give suckling at a wedding, even in a rest room.  SIL or not, you both need to tell her that this is an “adult-only invited” event and no toddlers or infants are invited, otherwise you will have to invite everyone else’s children.  She will undoubtedly be angry, but if you don’t put your foot down now, she will give you misery for the rest of your married life.  Set her straight and without fear.  YOU ARE RIGHT!

Post # 98
Member
2913 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
wedding032020 :  If you’ve communicated this repeatedly (which from your posts and updates, you have), and she’s still saying she’ll bring the baby anyway, there’s only one way to prevent that, and it’s security. 

Words can only do so much. You’ve all told her no, and she’s repeatedly responded with her plan to bring the baby anyway. If she goes through with that, there’s no way you can stop her without security manning the door and preventing entry. As much as you’re entitled to a child-free wedding, and as much as she’s completely in the wrong for disregarding you and your feelings at every turn, having security prevent her from entering will cause a raucous, and your in laws will likely not support you in that. It will cause drama. 

It would suck to “give in” after all this, but you have to decide if you’re willing to pay for security and go through with that to prevent it. 

Post # 99
Member
3058 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

View original reply
gimmepretty :  while I do agree she WILL show up with the kid, no matter what she seems to agree to. I would absolutely NOT give in.  She will likely let the kid scream etc during the wedding for spite too.

Eff her,  narcissist or not, biotch would be escorted from the wedding. I don’t give in to browbeating, noisy, whining, disrespectful,  self centered bullies!   Fiance should warn her in advance that she WILL leave the wedding.  I would give NO FUCKS about her tantrums now,  nor later.  She will only embarrass herself…

Post # 100
Member
2068 posts
Buzzing bee

For people suggesting turning the sister in law away if she shows up with the baby, do explain how you expect this to play out.  I’d love to think of a way to stop this narcissistic woman from crashing this wedding and luncheon (less likely the evening reception) with the baby, but get to the point where someone tells her she can’t go in or she already has walked in and she’s asked to leave….what then?  She will throw a fit and is someone really going to put their hands on her to block her or remove her?  She’ll push it to that, and she’ll win.  Of course no one can physically stop her.  She would have to choose to comply and she won’t.  She’ll yell and then cry and go on about being rejected and humiliated and she’ll make sure that EVERYONE hears her….and the crying baby.  It’s a win for her no matter what.

Post # 101
Member
2066 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

This isn’t that hard. You have your husband call them and tell them that the baby is not welcome. If they show up with the baby they will be turned away by restaurant staff end of story. If they want to attend they need to make arrangements. Showing up with baby will not be rewarded with allowing them in to the venue. Then you stand firm. Have someone from the restaurant staff at the entrance greeting guests and checking them in. If she shows with baby they are to tell her that they do not allow children and babies under the age of 10 in this venue. Period. 

Post # 102
Member
2068 posts
Buzzing bee

It’s not the restaurant’s job to keep the sl and baby out.  And I don’t see how lying about children not being admitted to the venue by policy would work.  Are the staff going to inform the sil of that while they’re standing next to their little stack of highchairs?  The OP mentioned many times the idea of having the baby there in a highchair–and rejected the idea because of the noise and distraction, not because it is impossible by venue policy.  If there were such a venue policy then this wouldn’t be an issue.  Back to..sil walks into the venue with baby… what then?  Good luck stopping her in the parking lot before she walks in.  This sil is a piece of work.  I’ve seen crap like this play out, sadly.  It doesn’t go well or end well.

Post # 103
Member
7229 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

OP- I don’t see what there is to be “hugely stressed” about. This situation is stressful because you’re trying to be diplomatic with a self centered asshole. At this point, I would stop with the intermediaries and call her directly (after confirming with my Fiance that it’s okay for me to rip his sister’s head off) and just say (with my SO sitting there so there isn’t any confusion about exactly what came out of my mouth), “FSIL, this event is not about you and you have been so disrespectful and rude. You have been told, repeatedly, and in many ways, that your baby may not come to the reception. My siblings aren’t attending either. You said you would ask your in laws to take care of him and then didn’t do it. You said that you are still breastfeeding; it seems that that is not true. I know that you are attending another wedding without the baby just a few weeks after ours and that you have respected that your baby is not invited there. WHY won’t you do the same for your brother’s wedding? What are you trying to do here?” Whatever she said after this, I would say:

“You are no longer breastfeeding. You have a safe and welcoming option for childcare. You are perfectly fine with leaving the baby for another wedding shortly after ours. Your baby is not invited. Do not show up with your baby.”

Then, I wouldn’t say anything else to her and I’d completely let it go and focus on enjoying my wedding. If she showed up to the wedding with the baby, I wouldn’t prevent her from coming in, but if her baby started crying and she didn’t depart, herself, I would have someone who had been given a heads up in advance who was prepared to escort her out. And I wouldn’t allow her to be in any of my wedding photos. I would have the photographer take ONE photo of her- her with her baby. And I’d frame it and give it to her.

Post # 104
Member
630 posts
Busy bee

I really don’t see how you will be able to bounce a baby from your wedding without it being more awkward than having a baby there

Post # 105
Member
13646 posts
Honey Beekeeper

No matter how rude it would be for the sister in law to bring the baby despite everything, to literally bounce them as some have suggested would be uncivilized. You don’t have to sink to the level of people like this. 

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