Future SIL assuming baby is invited…

posted 2 years ago in Guests
Post # 106
Member
1235 posts
Bumble bee

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wedding032020 :  we have the same issue right now. I had a giant migraine over the stress. 

I am sticking to my guns. If they show up with a baby, we will send them home. I did not invite their child and they won’t be rewarded for bad behavior if they bring the baby anyway. At least the mil is in support. Mine says she is not coming if the baby is not. My response was “sorry you feel that way, but we understand if you can’t make it”

Post # 107
Member
750 posts
Busy bee

First I want to say so sorry you’re going through this! I vividly remember how stressful wedding planning is and can’t imagine having to deal with this on top of it. I think at the very least this is showing you your SILs character and attitude. I’d def try to speak with my family first to allay any hurt feelings that may take place. At the end of the day you get to get married, yay! 

Post # 108
Member
236 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2020

We were married a few weeks ago and had no children at the wedding.  My brother has 4 kids 5 and under and my cousin has a 2 year old.  My brother’s kids are a circus and my cousin’s kid isn’t disciplined at all and they’ve never left him with anyone but my aunt and that’s only for an hour or 2.  We told them a year before that we did not want kids at the wedding.  There was some drama with my aunt and cousin because I think they were just going to bring the toddler and hope for the best but my mom put a stop to that.  Bottom line, my brother and cousin came by themselves and my sister in law and my cousin’s wife stayed home with their kids.  It would have been nice to have everyone there, but we were firm on the kids.  It worked out fine and my brother was thrilled to have 24 hours with no responsibility other than managing the music for our ceremony.  It’s your wedding, parents should be willing to make sacrifices for their kids.  You should not have to accommodate them if you don’t want to.  Just my opinion and I know it’s not a popular one.  

Post # 109
Member
3050 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

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penny1403 :  
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GonnaBeeMrsE :  good for you guys for standing your ground. Such selfishness and entitlement on their parts.  Weddings are stressful enough for the bride and groom. It would be hard to forgive someone piling on the stress by being difficult about wanting to bring their kids!

Post # 111
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13815 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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wedding032020 :  I’ll say it again from the voice of experience. You are entirely in the right, but is all this worth it? Just look at the head space it’s taking up, the way it’s ruining this time for you, and the damage being done to the family.  The reality is you aren’t going to be bouncing her or the baby. 

Does she know that your own siblings aren’t going to be there and that it would not be fair to them?  If not, I’d make sure she does. 

Post # 112
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee

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weddingmaven :  Why is the reality that they won’t bounce the baby or SIL? A PP implied that SIL would make it physical, but I sincerely doubt that. Trying to physically push past someone with a baby in arms would only make *you* look bad and surely even a narcissist would realize that. Otherwise, someone just needs to stand there and say “Sorry ma’am, you may not attend” on loop until harpy’s thick brain understands. 

I think OP needs to stand her ground. Again, to show she means what she says when it comes to boundaries. And her fiancè needs to be just as committed to helping. It doesn’t really matter at this point what it’s over. It could be OP doesn’t want to serve meat at her wedding but meat is a cultural tradition for fiance’s family-  a silly thing for all the drama, but I’d say the same thing. 

You people who keep saying this seem to imply or believe that OP should just give in, and a lot are judging OP for her decision. First off, having one night-  that she has saved and paid for- without babies attending is both her right and a valid decision. 

But secondly, you don’t think SIL or now Mother-In-Law will disagree with other decisions OP makes and cause drama and hurt feelings over it? If OP wants children, how is she supposed to stand up regarding her choices with them if she shows these women now that OP will give in if enough fuss is kicked up? 

OP, I’m sorry these women are behaving this way. It’s shameful. I know it must be so frustrating but I think you need to hire someone for security, and stand firm in this..

Post # 113
Member
1235 posts
Bumble bee

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weddingmaven :  why would they not bounce the baby? If my future brother in law shows up with a baby, I am absolutely going to send him away. The op might feel that strongly as well.

Post # 114
Member
13815 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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penny1403 :  
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revonue :  Because, it’s still immediate family and because the repercussions would last forever. And as I said before OP shouldn’t lower herself to the SIL’s level. 

Post # 115
Member
1235 posts
Bumble bee

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weddingmaven :  immediate family or not… that’s not an excuse to be disrespected on her wedding day.

Post # 116
Member
3639 posts
Sugar bee

Ok bee, this escalated fast. At this point I think I would work on trying to remain calm/ attempting to reframe your thinking about this so you’re viewing it as a mere irritation rather than this epic disaster that’s going to ruin your wedding. It’s just not worth getting so worked up over imo…like this woman isn’t worth it.

Talk to your husband and come up with a plan as to how you will handle this if she shows up with the baby. If you’re firm on not allowing them entry, then appoint a close friend or family member — or wedding planner if you have one — who is on your side to deal with it. You should not be having to even think about this on your wedding day. This should be a minor blip on the radar if it were to happen, not something to ruin your wedding or occupy your thoughts for more than a moment.

Post # 117
Member
205 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I had a childfree wedding before I had kids. Since I had my daughter, who is now 11months old, I have been to two weddings  and I didn’t bring her. In both cases it was a major stress to leave her behind. When she was 9 weeks old I was breastfeeding, had to express in the bathroom and I left after 3hours. The second time she was 6 months old, the wedding was out of town and I couldn’t find anyone I was comfortable leaving her with. She is still not happy being left with people she doesn’t know well. If I had known before I got married what it is like to have kids I would have allowed everyone to bring theirs. 

Post # 118
Member
1235 posts
Bumble bee

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katherine31 :  I have had two babies and I still thinks it’s better to leave kids home. 

Post # 119
Member
2103 posts
Buzzing bee

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wedding032020 :  

Bee, I’m not surprised that your in-laws have sided with your sil and are turning on you about the baby thing.  I saw that coming.  How else does a narcissist grow big and strong without enablers to feed and nourish them?  My husband’s brother is a narcissist and his parents always end up siding with him when push comes to shove, even when in private they admit that he’s ridiculous.  But ultimately, when bil points accusatory fingers at us, we must be guilty as far as his parents’ handling of it goes.  It breaks down to a golden child/scapegoat dynamic.  A girl my husband dated briefly in highschool pointed it out to him, but he wasn’t ready to see it.  Only now, after twenty years of marriage and sooo much conflict and no success at getting his brother or parents to see reason is my husband finally seeing it for what it is.  It got so much worse two years ago when my bil got married to someone who buys into his narcissism.  It’s actually been a really awful few years since he started dating her.  My bil picks fights at the table during holidays but does it quietly so his older parents who can’t hear well don’t hear what he says to us, then he changes his story.  He absolutely ruined our Christmas.  I know how nasty these situations can get.

Your best course of action right now, for so many reasons, is to stop discussing this at all with any of your in-laws.  Talking this out isn’t working.  And since your fi’s parents have sided with their spoiled rotten daughter, there’s nothing to be gained from talking about this any further with them either.  Just shut down all conversation.  Avoid them all as much as possible.  If they ask you about it to try to pressure you about it, just say you’re not talking about it anymore.  Don’t give them an answer.

For family connections/interactions you’re not going to have an enjoyable relationship with your in-laws with a narcissist + enabler dynamic in place.  My stepmother narcissistic tendencies, so my bil is not the first I’ve dealt with.  Is your relationship with your family good?  Can you focus on spending more time with them, if so? Easter is coming.  I wouldn’t spend it with your fi’s family.  Just take a break from it all.  I’d do a weekend trip with the fi rather than walk into an ambush at his family’s place.

And I hope you understand, that while I was giving a head’s up as to how difficult it is to deal with a narcissist (reasoning with them and pointing out their hypocrisy doesn’t work), it doesn’t mean that I want this to be happening.  I’m very sorry that your husband’s sister is so awful and that her parents are enabling her.  It’s Hell.  I know, I’ve lived it twice over.

Nourish your relationship with your own family.  You’re going to need it.

 

Post # 120
Member
205 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

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penny1403 :  it is certainly true that weddings are more fun of you’re not looking after a baby. However if I had a choice between leaving my baby with a random, particularly overnight, and missing the wedding, then I would miss the wedding. If it was my brother’s wedding I’d hope he’d accommodate me but if he didn’t I would likely leave the baby with my husband… So then my husband wouldn’t go. We don’t know what SILs childcare options are… My baby doesn’t sleep through at 11months old and my parents would absolutely never agree to watch her overnight. My inlaws wouldn’t either. Anyway I do think SIL is behaving badly, having sucked it up myself twice already for people much less close to me than immediate family. But that said, for the wedding of immediate family I would hope they’d try to understand where I was coming from. 

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