(Closed) Future SIL Wedding Before Me…

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
2553 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I envy the evident fabulousness of your life if this constitutes “awful” in your book.

I imagine it looks something like this:

Post # 17
Member
5863 posts
Bee Keeper

courtneylittle:  You’re being your own worst enemy, allowing yourself to get upset and dramatic over such non-issues as ‘thunder stealing’ and worrying she’ll ‘steal’ your ideas. Please don’t share this with your fiance. Normally I’m all for openness in a relationship, but this will just make you sound like a petulant child to him, no good can come of it. Please get a grasp on how unreasonable you’re being because you’re allowing negativity to seep into what should be a happy and exciting time for you. You’re marrying the man you want to spend the rest of your life with Bee, who freaking cares if Future Sister-In-Law gets the same tablecloths as you!  If you’re really going to be worried about it, limit what info you share with her. 

The one legitimate concern you have is how much money you’re expected to put out as a bridesmaid. If she’s being extravagant at the expense of her wedding party, you need to have a talk with her and let her know what’s do-able for you and see if you can work things out. Just make sure it’s truly about this and not competing with her

 

Post # 18
Member
2942 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

What if this had happened the other way around?  If your Fiance had planned a Christmas propsal and then Future Sister-In-Law got a thanksgiving purposal?  Do you think she would react as badly as you are?  What if your Fiance put your wedding on hold (including purposal) until after FSIL’s wedding in 2017 because she had secretly told him that she didn’t want you to “steal her thunder”?  How would you feel when you found out?  My guess is that you wouldn’t like it.  No one wants to put their life on hold for someone else, and no one should. 

If expenses are an issue, have a talk with Future Sister-In-Law about what she expects/what you can spend.  Maybe her Jack and Jill will be a couple’s camping weekend, and her bachlorett will be drinks on the town, and not overly expensive.  Set your budget, let her and her Maid/Matron of Honor know that you have a wedding to pay for and can’t go above your set budget and allow the chips to fall where they fall.

Post # 19
Member
1401 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Sorry. Can’t get past the over the top whiny tone of this post. Grow up and stop keeping score. She gets her day, you get yours. The end. 

Post # 20
Member
1092 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

All these “She stole my thunder” posts are getting on my last nerve.

Did she really steal your thunder or did you just make a mistake of sharing your wedding plans with her? Let me let you in on a little secret… There is NO trademark or possession on an idea/plan and that’s what a wedding is… a gathering of ideas and planning. Where did you get all your ideas? You must have stole another brides thunder. The only thing is you didn’t know them.

If I felt this way about my Future Sister-In-Law and told my Fiance he would ask me “Are you actually listening to what you’re saying and how ridiculous it sounds”?

Post # 21
Member
307 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

If sharing details of your wedding is making you uncomfortable, don’t.

If you can’t afford to participate in certain aspects of their wedding, don’t.

By the second page of this post, I’m sure you are getting the gist on how ridiculous the “thunder stealing” thing is. If not, there’s nothing I can say to change your mind anyways. Some advice, though – don’t tell your Fiance what you’re thinking. Or anyone else for that matter. Keep that crazy under control and to yourself.  

Post # 22
Member
2146 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

also I just looked up a Jack and Jill because I haven’t heard it before… wow, do people actually charge (well pre-charge) guests money to attend the wedding so they can afford it?

Post # 23
Member
284 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: City, State

courtneylittle:  It would be hilarious if your Future Sister-In-Law had a WeddingBee account and made a thread about how her brother proposed to his girlfriend of only two years before she got engaged to her HS sweetheart. It would be a perfect circle. 

Post # 24
Member
2064 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

We got engaged 5 weeks before my husband’s brother got married. His wife probably thought we stole her thunder. We’d had our own discussions long before they got engaged and FINALLY decided to stop living our lives to their timeframe because you know what? There’s always some thunder to steal. Had we got engaged just after the wedding, we’d have stolen their thunder. How long are we supposed to put our lives on hold for them to have their thunder. I’m glad we didn’t wait because they ended up splitting before their 6 month anniversary, that would have definitely pushed an engagement further back because you can’t rub your happiness in the face of a sad person 🙄. You live your life and left your Future Sister-In-Law live hers. This special princess attitude that people have is seriously messed up! Why can’t people generally be happy for everyone else’s special occasions too – there’s too much sadness in the world to hog the only happy moments.

Also, said it before and no doubt I’ll say it again. Your wedding will be the same as theirs because all weddings are the same. You and Future Sister-In-Law will be beautiful brides. I’ve not seen a bride who wasn’t beautiful. The grooms will look incredibly handsome, they always do. Mothers will tear up. Someone will get too drunk. Something won’t go to plan. You’ll leave hand in hand with your new spouse and cherish your memories. There will be variations around the edge – colours, cake, meal, first dance. But all weddings are the same. Your ideas aren’t new but it won’t make them less special. It won’t detract from your day. You will enjoy your day no less because she also has a photobooth. As others have said don’t tell her but I imagine there’ll be overlap that happens naturally (dress voice comes to mind) and the only people who will notice will be you and maybe your Future Sister-In-Law.

Post # 25
Member
3611 posts
Sugar bee

I can never understand these types of posts. Do that many newbees think we are all raging ‘zillas over here and will commiserate with this kind of crap?

OP, at least you got it off your chest to total strangers before you embarrassed yourself by complaining about this to your Fiance or anyone else you know IRL.

Post # 26
Member
953 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

My best friend and I got married within 2 weeks of one another–I certainly hope she didn’t think we stole their thunder as we got engaged after them but married first–but it was just fine. The reality is that no matter when her wedding is, there are going to be expenses in light of other things you’d rather spend your money on. That’s life and the nature of participating in other people’s weddings. I understand that it can feel overwhelming, and that is what the anonymity of the internet is here for. Just try to enjoy it because before long it will be all over and you will wonder why you spent so much time stewing over things that really didn’t matter at all in the long run.

Post # 27
Member
5884 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

courtneylittle:  you have several different issues packed into this post.

1) Your jealousy about her being engaged at the same time as you is unfounded.  You need to squash that and get over it.  She cannot be expected to put her whole life on hold because you are engaged. 

2) You are not ok with her expectations with you as a bridesmaid.  This is fine.  You need to tell her what you are and are not willing to do.  If you are not comfortable with hosting a jack & jill or a bachelorette or whatever, you should let her know and you shouldn’t feel bad about it.  what do the other BMs think?  It’s ok to set limits, her wedding does not give her the right to demand you throw her parties.

3) If you are worried about her stealing your ideas, you are right not to share them.  Just don’t bring them up.  Shouldn’t really be a problem.

4) Never, ever say that someone stole your thunder.  You aren’t Thor.  You don’t have thunder.  You are getting married!  Good for you.  So are many many other people.  You don’t own the institution of marriage or the idea of the wedding industry.

5) Don’t complain about this to your Fiance or anyone else IRL.  Come on the bee if you need to vent it out (or get a dose of reality).  You will sound like a bridezilla.  The bee can help you check yourself before you wreck yourself.

 

Post # 28
Member
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Three of my friends have gotten engaged over the last 3-4 months.  We are all planning weddings for next year.  Just support each other the best you can, it’s can be an expensive stessful process that will culminate in a joyful celebration.  We’ll attend the weddings we are invited to ( I hope), and I’m trying not to stress over potential date overlaps.  It sounds like there is plenty of tempral separation between the two dates.  You’ll be fine!  Are you just stressed out by wedding planning or are there bigger underlying issues of why she gets on your nerves? 

Post # 29
Member
994 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

they’re getting married 4 months before you, in a different venue, with different flowers, dj, food, photographers….

even if you decided to both do ALL those same things, no one would notice. seriously. The half of your family that would be at both (what, like 30% of your guests? 40%?) will just think “oh sweet, that place! dinner there is awesome!” I’ve been to multiple weddings at the same venue and never thought twice about comparing.

as for additional parties and costs for being her Bridesmaid or Best Man, I guarantee you that when she’s days away from her wedding and attending one of your showers or events she will also feel it is an inconvenience. suck it up that’s what you get for agreeing to be a bridesmaid and planning a wedding at the same time. Almost every Bee on here has dealt with some version of that, if you can’t afford everything just tell her that.

Post # 30
Member
1864 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

Do you think anyone gives an actual fuck that you might have the same flowers/decorations/mason jars as another wedding? No one cares about shit like that, none of your ideas are original. Get over yourself. 

Do you think you ‘deserved’ your entire engagement free from other thunder stealing couples? Do you know how you sound? 

Would you consider that YOU stole HER thunder if this was the other way around? Yeah, didn’t think so.  

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