(Closed) Future SILs not in wedding?

posted 13 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 17
79 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I am in the EXACT same boat as you… I have two sisters of my own and a few very close friends. My fiance has twin sisters, one whom I lived with for two years in Chicago… I love them to death but he isn’t super close with them. I have never considered having them in my bridal party and have already chosen to not include two of my close friends to keep our bridal party at three each (my two sisters, and best friend).

My fiances father is actually pretty upset that we aren’t asking my SIL’s… I understand that he’s upset, but it just doesn’t feel right to me to include them. I am totally fine having them walk down the aisle and stand up for me, but I really wouldn’t want them there with me while I’m getting ready the day-off. THAT makes me a jerk!

We’ve decided to stick to our guns and stay with our original three-person bridal parties. If his dad ends up being SO upset that it causes a riff, then I will reanalize. I don’t want to start my new life with my hubby on a bad note with his family.

What about making them readers or including them in another part of the wedding? Good luck!

Post # 18
6 posts

Is there a difference in etiquette if she’s already married?  I only have one Future Sister-In-Law and her son will be a ring-bearer, but I haven’t included her in my bridal party.  Should I have because she’s only 1 or does it change if she’s married?  My brother isn’t included on my Fiance’s side.

Post # 19
596 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2022 - Oakland Manor

I only have one Future Sister-In-Law and I think we’re going to ask her to do a reading.  I don’t feel bad about not including her in the bridal party because I think it would just be more stuff she’d have to worry about and I’m sure she’d rather just relax and enjoy her vacation/being a guest at the wedding.

Post # 20
1652 posts
Bumble bee

@ mary-alice  That’s too bad about your brother telling hif Fiance that you wouldn’t want ot be in the wedding.  Is there time to straighten him out?  You have an interesting perspective here. (being bride and potential Bm at the same time.  on the one hand you havethe opportunity to ask your FI’ssibling to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man and didn’t like that idea.  On the other hand, as the sibling, you would have liked being asked.  So what do you think about a bride "bending her wishes a little" to have a Future Sister-In-Law as a BM?  Do you think it’s worth it for family relations?  (I’m sure some of it depends on family dynamics etc.)

@iheartcolorado  You sound unsure.  Are you still considering having the sister as a BM?  Do you like her, think she would be a good BM?  I’m not sure there is any etiquette about it at this point.  If your Fi didn’t include your brother, I think it sounds balanced not to have his sister.  (If you did ask her, would your brother then have hurt feelings?  I realize boys are not as caught up in this stuff as girls so, maybe not…)

If it seems like a bother in some way to have her, and she doesn’t seem to care, don’t worry.  But if you think it would work out, and she’d really appreciate it, then why not?  It’s a great opportunity to develop a nicer relationship with her.

Post # 21
2639 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I don’t think it’s wrong of you to not invite them as BMs.  That’s just a lot of other people to add, and I think they probably see that, so they aren’t expecting anything.  I like the other suggestions of including them in another way.  Maybe as readers?  We had 3, so maybe you can have 4?  It depends on your type of ceremony, but we had "gifts" that had to be brought up, I think there were two (holy bread & wine) which we had our parents bring.  But, maybe two of the girls could do that and the other two could be readers?  Just don’t suggest any jobs to them that people usually hate (e.g. guestbook attendant).

Post # 23
699 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

My husband has two sisters that I am fairly close with, but I wanted my friends to be my bm’s.  I asked them if they would like to do readings, both declined and asked if they could be in charge of the guest book and gift table instead.  So, it all worked out very well. 
It sounds like you are already on the right track — good luck!

Post # 24
3 posts

I had a similar situtation myself and it landed me with 11 bridesmaids….LOL BUt, I am happy and I know when I look back I will be even more happy that I made my sister in law and my future Sister in law a part of my wedding. =)

Post # 25
36 posts
  • Wedding: June 2009

ask them to do readings or handout programs.  You’ll never make everybody happy without turning your wedding into a circus

Post # 26
209 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I think you’re doing the right thing. If you’re really feeling uneasy about it, you could always ask them to do a reading during your ceremony to honor them. I plan on having my Future Sister-In-Law (only one!) in our bridal party, but I’m only having 4 BMs and don’t have any sisters of my own.

Post # 27
101 posts
Blushing bee

I agree with everyone.  As long as they feel included in some way, I think that should be great!  My FH doesn’t even have his brother in his part of the wedding party, and I’m making it a point to include my FSIL’s children as pageboy (ring bearer) and flower girl/jr. bridesmaid.

Post # 28
3340 posts
Sugar bee

I would be very careful about giving them duties just to include them.  It might be more fun to include them in some of the planning and prep stages, but just let them be guests on the wedding day.  That way they can share in the excitement, without being relegated to one of the less important/fun positions at a wedding.

Post # 29
1315 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Your BMs are supposed to be the women who support you in your life.  There are plenty of other ways to acknowledge your FSILs other than making them BMs.

You can invite them to do readings or sing or something at the ceremony.

You can get them corsages for the wedding day to distinguish them.

I think it’s fine to not have them in your wedding party.

Post # 30
15 posts
  • Wedding: September 2009

What if his sisters and SILs were GMs of sorts? I’ve seen it more and more. Have them wear black dresses and stand with the boys. There’s no saying you can’t!

Post # 31
178 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I’ll be asking Mr. Spin’s sister to be a bridesmaid, but I’ll be honest that I’m pretty much just doing so because it’s very important to him and his family. I like her very much even though we aren’t very close, so it’s not a hardship for me in my situation. I had no idea how big of a deal this can be, though, until one of Mr. Spin’s friends got married and the bride didn’t ask the sister to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man. It was a huge dramatic thing and the sister ended up walking on her brother’s side anyways, but it created a huge amount of bad feeling. I’m avoiding the drama. ^_^

I think in your situation it’s perfectly acceptable to ask them to read or, if they decline, have them walk with the parents, grandparents to their seats at the front of the church and wear a special family flower. ^_^


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