Future sister-in-law not included in family photos?

posted 2 months ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Should future in-laws be included in family pictures?
    Yes!! They're family! : (43 votes)
    77 %
    Absolutely not- immediate family only : (13 votes)
    23 %
  • Post # 30
    Member
    1123 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2019 - USA

    newlyengaged19 :  I mean obviously it’s her choice but I would be very hurt. Does your fiancé have any opinion on this, have you told him your feelings ? Since it’s his brother I’d let him deal with this one. 

    Post # 31
    Member
    14881 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2011

    soexcited123 :  Yes, I realize legally my husbands silbings spouse may be called or is legally my in law as well, but from my POV unless Im actually close to them (which in my case I’m not) there’s just antoher degree of separate there that prevent me from seeing them as “family” and maybe wanting them in all MY family pictures.  

    Are you really suggesting that even blood family should be more important than someone’s own spouse??

    I’m not sure what you’re trying to ask.  Yes, in my eyes, my blood family and that of my husbands immediate family is more important to me, and I feel closer to them, than that of his siblings spouses.  But I dont expect my brother to view my husbands sister as family the same way I do.

    Post # 32
    Member
    63 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: February 2020

    My fiance (boyfriend at the time) and my cousin’s wife (girlfriend at the time) were in our family pics at my brother’s wedding.  I can’t remember if they did pics without them but the one on the wall at my brother’s house has them in it.  That being said, it’s definitely rude but no one will even look at those pics past the initial period of the bride posting them when she gets them.  I think Tom and I even had pics of just the two of us and the two of us with my brother and his wife but again, no one ever sees the pics so I can’t remember.  

    Post # 33
    Member
    216 posts
    Helper bee

    I mean, I would hope your FH (and the rest of his family/parents) feels the same and would say something to his brother as to why his fiancée/soon-to-be-wife was not to be included in his own brother’s family photos.  I mean, I can be really petty, but I would definitely be prepared to tell Brother-In-Law his wife is not to be included in your family wedding photos. 

    I hate the notion of legal status defining the relationship rather than the relationship holding its own weight.  As someone who was with their significant other a decade at the time of marriage (including living with eachother for many years prior as well as adopting pets, combining finances, etc), and had to deal with the rudeness of such things as “no ring no bring” by couples who chose to marry after a year or two is really rich-  I mean, which is their choice and I certainly am not judging the validity of their relationship and it’s insulting they should do so to mine.

    Post # 34
    Member
    660 posts
    Busy bee

    soexcited123 :  

    echomomm brings up a good point. Maybe OP and Uncle John’s latest fiance are different, but try telling that to Uncle John. The time before the wedding is often hectic and the photographer’s time (as well as lighting during certains parts of the day) is often limited, so if the bride and groom and whoever is paying for the photographer does not want OP in the pictures, it doesn’t make sense to waste time and money just to humor OP.

    Also, I think you’re wrong to assume that because OP has been dating the now fiance for longer that the family knows OP better or considers her just as much to be family. OP may not have interacted with them much. Additionally, there are many people and cultures where 2 years and married is considered more serious than 8 years of dating. Not all engagements are realized as marriages.

    Ultimately, it’s up to the couple to decide who they consider family and who they want in their photos, not OP and not us.

    Post # 35
    Member
    2540 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2017

     newlyengaged19 :  I wonder if his brother has *doubts* about your relationship and/or if you actually will end up ever married?.  It took 8 years to even get to engagement status in your relationship you said. A pp asked why it took this long length of time but I don’t see you answered?  Could something to do with your relationship etc be why they are not including you in the family photos??  

    Post # 36
    Member
    306 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2019

    I don’t really think it’s as black-and-white an issue as your poll suggests. Given your situation, I can see why you find it hurtful, and I’m sure I would likely feel the same in that scenario as well! It’s valid to feel that way, but I also don’t think it’s entirely unreasonable. Maybe have your fiance talk to his brother, as others have suggested. It’s possible it was a miscommunication, or something she just didn’t consider. I’d be careful to make assumptions, or to start a family fued over a few pictures. I get that it’s the symbolic “principle of the thing”, but you don’t know where she draws the line in defining family for this case. Especially if you and she aren’t close. It’s not the classiest thing on her part, I think it would be more thoughtful to include you in at least some photos considering you’re engaged and have been around for years, but ultimately I don’t think it’s necessarily intentially meant to aggressively exclude you. 

    As a bride who does not particularly get along with my fiance’s brother’s sort-of fiance (they too have been together for years and have been “engaged” for many of those, though haven’t been actively planning a wedding and he usually refers to her as his “girlfriend” while she says “fiance” so who knows), I’d rather not include her in many of the formal family photos. She’s flat out iced mt out at every family function for years, so while I’m open to growing a better relationship in the future if things change, I’m not particularly inclined to force smiley pics with her at my wedding. I don’t plan to make a big show of excluding her from pics however- she won’t be specifically invited to them, but if she assumes she’s involved and shows up, I’m not going to kick her out. I’ll just make sure to get a few just the immediate family so I don’t have to hang her pic on my wall lol, but it doesn’t bother me if she gets some formal pics with her and fiance’s brother or a couple with his family and wants copies of those for herself. Perhaps if we were closer, I’d consider her family and it wouldn’t matter that they aren’t married, but as things stand, I don’t feel like I have to go out of my way to include her. If that makes sense? Just one bride’s perspective, not meant to be reflective of your situation but just a perspective on a situation where I think the couple getting married are allowed to use their discretion.

    Post # 37
    Member
    660 posts
    Busy bee

    mrstodd2bee :  Yep – It’s also possible that OP resents that the fiance took so long to decide if she should be considered family and is jealous of and projecting on the brother’s fiance who will be considered family earlier than OP despite not dating for nearly as long.

    bluejaybride :  Given her behavior toward you, it sounds like your fiance’s brother’s gf/fiancee should feel lucky to get an invite, nevermind be included in pictures.

    Post # 38
    Member
    13 posts
    Newbee

    Even if the consensus is that you should be included, it doesn’t change anything. What should happen doesn’t mean it *will* happen. You can’t force yourself (nor your FI) into someone else’s wedding pictures. Nor should you. 

    Post # 39
    Member
    636 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2018

    I mean you should still arrive with your fiance. I included my now-SIL bc she and my brother would be getting marriend a few months after I did and I already considered her family. I wouldn’t have included someone who wasn’t engaged or I didn’t believe would actually be a member of the family long-term. There’s a good chance the brother doesn’t even know she told you that.

    Post # 40
    Member
    1559 posts
    Bumble bee

    Everyone views family differently. Technically you aren’t legally in laws yet. While I don’t agree, it’s still her wedding and her choice so I’d just leave it.

    Post # 41
    Member
    180 posts
    Blushing bee

    I think it’s a major bitch move on her part and I’d make sure to not include her in my photos and tell her to arrive separately.  I think she sounds cruel. 

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