(Closed) Future Vietnamese Mother in Law… any advice?

posted 7 years ago in South East Asian
Post # 3
Member
3375 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Eek this sounds awful! Does she not want to live on her own? I’m not sure I’d ever want to live with my kids! It can’t be fun for her either. Does your bf have to pay for her too or does she pay rent?

I think you and your bf need to either move or kick her out- you just wouldn’t be able to start a family or married life in such a place. Your bf needs to stand up for you too. He can’t just let this be okay.

Post # 5
Member
5 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2011

 I’m Vietnamese and I’ve seen women like that before :(. I can’t think of any suggestion for you because it’s impossible to change your future mother in law, but I can help if you want to write her a letter in Vietnamese. Hope this helps.

Post # 6
Member
445 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Eeek..girl..i read the post and I feel so badly for your situation..that is the reason I stayed clear of Vietnamese men.  I’m Vietnamese btw!  Some Vietnamese mother in law are just cruel and there isn’t anything you can do to change them..they’re really REALLY set in their ways…and daughter in law are like their arch rival…(well..i guess when you have kids and they’re gorgeous because they’re blonde/mixed..she’ll stop the craziness and start bragging about how adorable their mixed grandkids instead).  I’m not saying there aren’t some that are the swestest and most wonderful mother-in-laws…there are..i’ve seen some daughter in law treat them like slaves!

Anywyas, If your Boyfriend or Best Friend is the responsible one and decided he would take care of her..you’re basically stuck if you marry him (for a long time).  I’m sorry to say that, but it’s true.  Perhaps your Boyfriend or Best Friend has a sister or so that might want to have her live with her?? That’s your only way to “get rid” of her unfortunately as Vietnamese don’t believe in nursing home or independently living away from their kids (at least not the older generation).  Also, speaking up will only make things worst for you.  Your Boyfriend or Best Friend needs to be the one to talk to her.  My mom went through this…and i’ve heard many stories too.  Just treat them with kindness even if you don’t mean it! Hope things will be better once you’re married..sometimes it might just be that you’re not a part of the “family” yet and she might ease up when you’re a “wife.”

Post # 8
Member
540 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Oh dear, I’m so sorry to hear about your situation.  I know it sucks.  I’m Chinese/Vietnamese and I know how mean and ugly Asian mothers can be.  They think they can get away with murder when it comes to their sons.

My mom’s friend has a mother like your Future Mother-In-Law.  When he married, he didn’t want to leave his mom on her own, so they all lived together, and the mom was terrible to his wife.  Things got so bad that his wife slit her wrist.  She was taken to the ER and admitted for psychological evaluation afterward.  She refused to go back to living with his mom.  It took all that for her husband to confront his mom and move out, and the mom completely changed for the better after that. 

Sorry for that terrible story.  I’m not saying your situation will be anything like that,  but Asian mothers will continue to push the envelope until someone sets boundaries.  And I can’t even promise that her Woe am I attitude will change once someone does.  I know it’s terrible, but it may come down to your boyfriend having to decide between his mom or the relationship. 

Is it possible for your Boyfriend or Best Friend and his brothers to chip to get their mom separate housing?

Post # 9
Member
121 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I see your problem but I don’t think the fact that she is Vietnamese has anything to do with her crazyiness. She’s just messed up.

Post # 10
Member
204 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

It’s not right that your Fiance ends up in debt hell because of his mother. When you marry him, that becomes your debt as well. Is he going to continue throwing you both into financial hell because this woman has not bothered to properly finance. I think your Fiance certainly needs to set some borders with his mother, IE she needs to start contributing, and he (you) will no longer be responsible for her debts. Do you two own her apartment? Start treating her like a tenant. It sounds like her apartment is a fire hazard, which leaves you two in a rather precarious situation. Especially if any harm came to her as a result of the conditions.

I would have tore up her garden that she planted after destroying mine. But I am not a quiet, take crap kind of gal. Not saying you are, but perhaps I’m just a little more drastic… and mean. lol

Next time she goes into the whole “I’m going to kill myself” schpeel, do NOT give into her little pity party. She’s playing with you, and you’re going with it. I would say, “Well, that’s a very personal choice that nobody can make but you.” OR treat it seriously and call the authorities telling them your Future Mother-In-Law is threatening to kill herself. It’s possible they will force her to undergo evaluation. If they deem she is, she’ll get help. If they deem she isn’t, maybe she’ll realize she shouldn’t say it anymore. Take that tool away from her, either way.

My grandmother is a manipulator. She’s been trying for decades to get my mom to leave my dad to come live with her. She started in on me after the divorce. Tried to use her health, my kids, blah blah blah…. We haven’t talked in almost 5 years once she realized I could not be manipulated and would not take her crap. Something she should have figured out yeeaarrs before.

Post # 11
Member
3375 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I think if your Future Mother-In-Law isn’t paying rent or buying food or anything, your bf shouldn’t be spending money on her. If nothing else it should be split by her SEVEN children evenly. It’s not fair to stick the youngest one with everything.

What if this never gets better? Will you be okay with living with her forever? I think that’s the decision you have to make now before you’re engaged/married.  I actually have left 2 nice guys behind because their moms were evil. 

Post # 12
Member
540 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@j-adore01: it’s cultural to an extent.  Asian sons are expected to take care of their elderly parents.  In many cases, mothers will think they can act however they want with no repercussion because their son is obligated to care for them. 

Post # 13
Member
204 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

*blinks* Additionally, you need need to make it clear to Fiance that is NEVER acceptable that he speak Vietnamese to his mother when you are present. Even in Vietnam, it is Very rude to speak a language that not all present speak when a language that all know is known. He needs to speak English to hear when you are present, though I know she will continue to speak Vietnamese. You can’t change her rudeness, but you can certainly let Fiance know that his is completely unacceptable.

Post # 14
Member
3375 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Yes it’s definitely cultural. I have a bff who’s asian (not vietnamese though). She’s successful and makes a high income. She told us she dreams about buying a house (especially with all the foreclosures now), but she says she can’t ever buy a house because then her parents would expect to move in. She worries about when she gets married too and is afraid she’s going to spend the rest of her life in one bedroom apartments. Her parents even joke with her about it saying they’ll be moving in when she has kids.

To me her story was pretty shocking because most parents would think it would be hell to live with their kids.

Post # 15
Member
3871 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m vietnamese, too and my mom is kinda nuts sometimes, too.

The thing about vietnamese is they think that since they took care of their children for the first 18-20ish years of their life, that they think their children will return the favor by taking care of them when they are older.

My mom has already suggested this to me and my siblings.

Also, your boyfriend is the youngest boy in his family.  That says a lot. They hold the youngest boy very close to them.  My brother is the youngest and he got away with a lot things that I couldn’t. I don’t think I would be alive if I did some of the things my brother did.

You said that your boyfriend and his brothers don’t know how to speak or vietnamese.

If you really want to try to make this work, could you try taking some lessons to learn vietnamese?  That could be a way of showing respect to their/ our culture.

His mother is going to be stubborn and a big pain in the ass.

I would try your best to show her you good side no matter what. Anything bad will just count against you.

Good luck and I hope it works out for you.

Also, maybe some vietnamese bees who know how to write it can help you. I don’t know how to write or read vietnamese but I can understand some of it when people talk to me.

 

Post # 16
Member
3871 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@kitcat12: I never knew that.  But my family does not follow that rule.  They speak vietnamese in front of americans all the time. My mom usually doesn’t do it to gossip but sometimes it’s easier to communicate in their native language.

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