(Closed) Gaining perspective on waiting =[

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

i was a little guilty for putting some pressure on fi initially after waiting nearly 5 yrs, something that should be a natural step turned into a tug of war. with me wanting more of a commitment and him being fine with the way things are. but i also realized having someone decide when marriage would happen while i waited in limbo wasnt fun either.

women are expected to keep quiet on the marriage talk and wait for him to decide indefinitely when its a decision that effects both of you, i couldnt do that so i walked. pushing a guy isnt right but being upfront about expectations in the future isnt wrong either.

i eventually took him back but it was a long road getting to the place we are in now. your friend had free will, if she didnt want it she couldve chose a different path, just as i told my fi when i left, i wouldnt wait any longer for him to commit, i gave him an out instead of pushing the issue, for my own sanity i gave myself a timeline and went back to focusing on myself, instead of investing all of my energy in a relationship that wasnt moving forward. once the waiting clock stopped it was a sigh of relief to not constantly wonder what was the hold up.

could you still stay with him knowing marriage isnt something he wants in the long run? could you be happy just being bf/gf?

 

Post # 4
Member
5238 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

@tenacity:  I understand completely what you mean.

Different situation to a degree in that I was not really “waiting” but it was clear my common-law ex and I had different outlooks for our future together and what we wanted and expected in a relationship.

I do not have much advice, as this was one of the big reasons my ex and I broke up. We just were not compatible in respect to the things that truly mattered, and nothing…no more time, no marriage, no patience, no waiting, was going to change that, though we cared about each other and got along “well”.

Not long after that breakup I met my husband who shared the same outlook and also the same expectations and boundaries for our life together…like true and connected life partnership: legally, physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, financially, etc. And we just fit together and work together spectacularly. He is my best friend but so, so much more. A true life partner. And that did not come with marriage, it came before it, with the relationship and us, before marriage ever came to the table. We were both self aware people interested in living authentically.

I do think that it is very important to share similar and/or compatible expectations for not only the relationship and marriage, but life, if you want a happy & healthy relationship.

I really do not have many positive stories of people who were reluctant or kind of “pushed” toward marriage in feeling happy about it later or becoming someone their partner hoped them to be. I am sure there are some, but like you witnessed in your friend, these seem to be people who are content to let others dictate their life choices and go along with ride…but never see happy about it and seem to lack the overall self-awareness and confidence to make their own life choices. This does not just happen in marriage, but also in every other choice we have available. I see people take or stay in jobs “they should stay in”, have the kids “they should have”, buy the house they “are expected to buy” and without seeming like it is their genuine, self-reflected and honest-to-themselves choice. Everyone has free will, and free choice, but some are scared to realize it or take it! They go instead with what is expected…be it social expectations, family expectations, spousal expectations…

I personally have no interest myself in living an unexamined life. Or being with someone who lives that way either! We each are responsible for ourselves and our decisions…and need to own it and participate in it!

All you can do is decide whether you want to remain with a partner who seems to view your future together differently, and whether that works for you. Of course there are many other littl decisions in here. Are you willing to wait, willing to not marry, willing to let him go and twke risk of not finding what you seek at time time you give yourself the opportunity to find what you seek. You have free will here, to stay or go. Neither is a “wrong” choice in itself, as long as the choice you make is honest to yourself.

Post # 6
Member
1155 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@tenacity:  I’m sorry, it sounds like you’re in a very frustrating and confusing situation. I think you’re asking the right questions though. Your friend sounds like she has the “ideal” life but it’s not the life she wants to live. It also sounds like you see that and realize you could never be in her position. 

I don’t think it’s fair for you to be the one who has to just bury your feelings and be ok with the fact that you and your SO clearly aren’t on the same page. Doesn’t it bother him that you don’t see marriage in the same light? I would guess you’ve had some deep discussions on the topic, but it hasn’t led anywhere. 

So now, you examine your desires and what kind of life you truly want to live. It’s difficult when you intertwine your lives thinking this is life long, only to find out down the road that it may not be what you thought it would. It’s scary considering having to change such a huge part of your life. But once you weigh your options and really do some self-examination, I think you’ll find the answers. Do the benefits outweigh the risks? 

I haven’t been in your situation, but this would be my advice to a friend going through this situation. I truly hope you find the answers you are looking for!

Post # 7
Member
1013 posts
Bumble bee

This made me think. And i asked my SO to reassure me when he does propose, it will be because he wants to and not because he thinks its what hes suppose to do. 

His response was “No one can force me to propose.  I’ll do it when i know the time is right”

So even though i struggle with waiting, i definitely would hate if he did it for any other reason than he wants to marry me. 

Post # 8
Member
53 posts
Worker bee

Apologies for not really having any advice, I’m just here to sympathize. I was just about to write a post that sounded just like this one. I brought up marriage about a year ago, and we’ve had our ups and downs about it. We even went to look at rings, and get sized and everything recently. However, after a year of these discussion, I realized that I’m doing all the work.

I champion the discussions about our future. It was my idea to go look at rings. If I never brought it up again, he never would. He made such a big show of not wanting to marry me before, that even though he at least goes along with it now when I bring it up, I’ve lost my enthusiasm. It started a few months ago- I used to be wild about dreaming, looking at wedding blogs, getting ideas…and then I just stopped caring, because deep down, I know he’s not as excited as I am. Even if he did come around, I’ve spent the past year imagining a potential future without him. 

I hate to rehash the whole ‘he’s just not into you’ thing (I don’t think this is necesarily always the case. My cousin’s ‘he’s just not that into you’ turned into a 15 year marriage and three amazing kids,) but I feel like if he really wanted to, he’d move the mountains to settle down with me (this is a financially stable man nearing 40 we’re talking about; we’ve been together for three years.)

I am done trying to make my case to him. This shouldn’t have to be something I have to convince him to do. I want him to desire it as much as I do! The good news is that I’m focusing on myelf, kind of looking forward to being single again, and applying for jobs in other cities (no luck finding anything in this one!) But it’s still hard. It still breaks my heart. It’s a tough realization to come to, but in a way, it can be a relief.  

I hope it all works out for you. I hope it works out for me to, no matter what happens. Sorry to be a bit of a thread jacker. I’m kind fo running though exactly what ColoradoGirl described. I’m realizing that while we do have a decent relationship, and right now it’s wonderful, it’s not looking to be something lifelong for either of us. ๐Ÿ™ In the end, it’s better that we figure it out now. 

Post # 10
Member
659 posts
Busy bee

I agree with many of the things already said by pp’s. I hope everything works out for you and you’re happy with it, whether that’s being with him possibly without marriage or finding someone else who wants it. It’s just the figuring out what you really want part without any outside influences that is so freaking hard! Going through it sucks but afterwords it really helps you be at peace with whatever you decide.

Like in my case I had to think about how just having him in my life has made me a better person in all aspects, he’s helped me realize so many things that I don’t think I would have figured out on my own and how he always has good advice even if I don’t always follow it.

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