- 8 years ago
Sorry..long and emo.
I guess you would call me a waiting bee although recently I asked myself, “What am I waiting for?” My SO and I have talked about marriage and it has become clear that he and I have different thoughts about it. I have always romanticized marriage as a partnership on every level down to the soul. He thinks it is a big party and a legal agreement. In the past I have blown up about the whole marriage thing. Now adays I don’t talk about it much..I just push the feelings away (but they invariably resurface). Anyhow, I just wanted to get some thoughts/feelings out and kick them around with people.
Today I was talking to my friend who on the outside has the perfect life. She has done everything right…went straight through school, has a great job, married a stable man and is now pregnant. The thing is, she isn’t very excited about her life. When her then Boyfriend or Best Friend proposed (he was very excited), she really didn’t expect it, didn’t feel ready but said yes because she felt she should. They had a huge, beautiful wedding – during which she got drunk and sang the “Ain’t Gonna Tie Me Down” song very loudly (thank goodness her husband was elsewhere). She has seemed very blah about her marriage since then. She recently got pregnant (again now-husband is the one who is very excited, she went along with his timeline). Her description of being pregnant today was “unenthused”
Now what does all of this have to do with waiting?
It just makes me realize that when a partner pressures the other to do something that he/she is “supposed to do” or “expected to do” but doesn’t necessarily want or feel ready for, even if the first partner gets what he/she wants – it isn’t necessarily a good outcome. I felt sad talking with her about this but I couldn’t really say much – I just wanted to tell her “You don’t have to do this just because you think you should/someone else wants you to!!!” But it’s kind of too late for that.
As time has gone on, I realize that talking about marriage and pressuring my SO won’t actually get me what I want. It breaks my heart a little at a time. It’s funny that my friend who is a woman is the reinforcer of this realization but I guess not being ready for marriage/family doesn’t discriminate. I know what I want but I love my partner so much, it really is a hard place to be :[
Hopefully this is coherrent, I am a bit emotional these days! Thanks for listening.