(Closed) Gamer husband

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 47
Member
58 posts
Worker bee

I’m sorry you’re feeling neglected OP, but I’m not sure what to tell you. You say he’s always been a gamer but also that this isn’t the man you married. I don’t mean to be harsh, but both those things can’t be true. What’s changed?

like PP said, I’d be pretty pissed if SO began dictating how much time I could spend on my hobbies. I’m actually the one who LARPs in our relationship. When we first started dating, I skipped out on some sessions to make dates with him. My Repost buddies were understandably pissed. i’d made a commitment to them and was leaving them in the lurch. So when I moved in with SO, I told him that Sundays were LARP days, that I’d made a commitment to the hobby and I intended to keep it. If he’d told me that wasn’t okay, I’d’ve seriously rethought moving in with him.

instead, he made himself part of my routine. He comes along on Sundays, cooks the whole lot of us a hot breakfast then plays EVE while we LARP. He’s ended up great friends with my Repost buddies and I just love him so much for it.

Likewise, if he wants to spend an afternoon running incursions on EVE, I make myself a part of his routine. It relaxes him. I wouldn’t want to take that away. So I just move whatever I’m doing into the room he’s playing in. if I do that, he’ll actually chat to me and share jokes from chat or update me on the action. I don’t feel ignored. He is more likely to notice on the odd Occasion I want more attention. We both win.

Post # 49
Member
7340 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@sherryberry:  I think the hardest thing you’re going to run into, is that he was a gamer when you met and married him. It’s like the smoking thread….no one is going to quit a bad habit if they don’t want to…and it’s hard for you to “change the rules” now because he was a gamer when you got together. It’s like someone saying “well I thought I’d get him to quit smoking when we got married” – if you didn’t want to be with a smoker you shouldn’t have married one. KWIM? I know it sucks, but if he isn’t willing to change I’m not sure what else you can do. You certainly shouldn’t have to be googling how to be a better wife. Sounds to me like he’s addicted to gaming. 

Personally, this is one of the major reasons I couldn’t ever be married or even start dating someone who is into something like gaming. Aside from the fact that I think (personally, for me) it’s a useless waste of time, it’s one of those hobbies that way too often turns into a problem. I have a good friend whose DH is a gamer, and he litterally could spend all day sitting inside playing games. That would just never work for me. 

Post # 50
Member
1603 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

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@Stellarsays: I just wanted to say that I’ve been reading this thread and getting a little frustrated by the judgment against the husband and his hobby, and that your response is the best I’ve read and is really indicative of how Fiance and I interact with his gaming. I think it’s super healthy and shows a huge amount of respect for your partner to get involved in their hobby.

OP, my Fiance is a huuuuuuge gamer–as in, arranges professional gaming tournaments, spends probably three to four hours every day (more when I’m not home, I’m sure) playing games, has a standing Friday night out with his buddies where they go to the local fighting game club and stay there until, like, 2:00am–so I get where you’re coming from. May I suggest that, instead of trying to get him to curb his habits as your first resort, why not try to involve yourself a little bit in his hobby? By, say, asking him to teach you about EVE, I’m sure it’ll draw his attention to the fact that you’re trying so hard, and that he should to. It also shows more mutual respect than trying to get someone to give up something they enjoy.

Post # 51
Member
6262 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

=( I just wanted to chime in that my gamer husband hasn’t really slowed down, either.

Post # 52
Member
413 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

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@sherryberry:  DH is a huge gamer. He has almost every gaming console available, including PS Vita etc. That being said, his gaming is pretty much under control. We have 2 nights a week where we allocate time to doing things we enjoy separately. DH sits in the living room, drinks a few beers and plays his video games. If he’s playing a game I enjoy, I will sit and watch him (I’m awful at video games so I rarely play). Otherwise, I spend some time upstairs reading or catching up on all my tivoed shows. It works out well for us and we still have plenty of time to spend together. Maybe you can suggest something like this to your husband. He still gets time to do what he enjoys (and hey so do you!) but it doesn’t go overboard and you still have plenty of time to spend together.

Post # 54
Member
1166 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

We’re both gamers, its how we met actually!  

All our friends are gamers, we take trips to gaming conventions (where we can meet up with friends as well since we’re all over the place geographically now), and we play together.  I love it. 

He likes to game some evenings after his work is finished, which is completely fine with me, I weddingbee/pinterest/run/whatever, I’d never try to take away a hobby of his, but we also have an amazing balance.  If we didn’t have that balance we would definitely be “having a talk” if you know what I mean! 

We also design games together (its one of his businesses that I run, smartphone/tablet apps and games), so techinically when he’s gaming he’s “working” haha! 

Post # 55
Member
1953 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

My husband is a gamer. It’s slowed down a bit because, according to him, there’s no decent games released in January/February. I don’t mind. If he’s playing his games, I find something else to do, or play with him. We do spend a lot of time together outside of video games.

Post # 56
Member
268 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

We’re both gamers (also how we met) and we have our computer games we like playing after dinner, we have a bi-weekly table top game with friends, ocassionally we go to a monthly meetup, and we go to a yearly convention.

A year or three ago my husband tried some board games at the convention and got hooked.  Board games have come soooooo far since Monopoly or Clue and we’ve found it’s a fun way to spend a few hours together.  There’s games that take literally 10 minutes, some under an hour, and some cooperative games that could take 4+ hours easy.

Look into picking some of those up so you guys can play together. 😉 Good luck!

Post # 57
Member
93 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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@oneofthesethings:  +1

You can ask a man to spend more time with you/hold your hand/give you quality time, but you can’t ask him to WANT to do those things.

There’s a huge difference between the two.

He either wants to be with you or he doesn’t. It’s the brutal truth,

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@sherryberry, and shooting the messenger isn’t going to solve your problem. 

I’ve learned the hard way to never waste time asking a man to want to spend more time with me.

It doesn’t end well.

Much less frustrating to sit back and let him show you what he wants to do — and then decide whether the relationship is meeting your needs.

 Personally I couldn’t put up with it. I once went on a few dates with a very successful guy who seemed like a bit of a catch. One night he took me to his swanky apartment and cooked me dinner and started describing his passion for some computer game I’ve forgotten the name of, and how he couldn’t wait to get home every night to play it for hours. At that moment it was as if every bit of attraction I’d had for him went limp and died. I’m sorry, it just seems so juvenile to me.

When I think of sexy, interesting, fascinating men, I don’t visualize them doodling around on video games all night long, ignoring the needs of their wives. It’s not like you’re asking him to give up his hobby. Come on. 

Post # 58
Member
1105 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@sherryberry:  I also have a gamer husband! But luckily he is concious of it and makes sure he spends some quality time with me before we part ways, he goes and plays his games and I watch one of my shows on TV. 

I wake early in the morning and he is a night person so… he gets plenty of time for his hobby and I get quiet time in the morning with a coffee… win/win 🙂 

 

That said, if DH was playing games all the time and wasn’t spending enough time with me, the S would hit the fan big time …. probably why he doesn’t try that on 😛

Post # 60
Member
1810 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I am the gamer in the relationship and I definitely let up on the gaming this past year. I used to play practically non-stop. But I also didnt “hide” away in a room. I game in the living room and my DH is perfectly content with watching tv while I game, When he is home I get off the mic and make sure I only take ‘quests’ that I can stop or have no problems stoping in the middle of it just in case my husband wants to do more.

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