Post # 1
I’ve read a lot of the posts on giving an ultimatum and know there are mixed opinions. I just thought I would post about my personal story for some support and other perspectives. My story seems way too long to type the whole thing but we’ve been dating 8 years (yes that’s right!). I’m in my mid-thirties and we both want children. He has a ring (for 2 years at least), has been promising it’s coming soon for the last 2 years. We’ve talked about our vision of wedding and family countless times and how much he loves me, etc. He of course admitted that though he certainly struggled with the proposal he is excited to be married to me. His parents had a terrible divorce and I do know that is in part a contributing factor but he’s an adult and can decide to move past those fears or not, in my opinion.
Basically, he recently promised he would propose this summer and though I know it’s technically not over for 2 more weeks I just couldn’t handle it anymore. There have been so many missed ‘deadlines’ (that HE imposed not me) and missed opportunities, I just started to feel like if it was so hard mabye there’s something deeper wrong? We’ve talked the issue to death so many times and I’m just so tired. I want a family and I’ve spent so long with him assuming it would move forward based on everything we planned…together, I am too afraid to let things continue on this path. I don’t doubt he loves me and wants to be with me but it was just hurting too much. I’m doing surprisingly okay so far, which was another sign it was time to step back. The hard part is of course we haven’t talked in 3 days so as hard as it is it seems he is taking me seriously. We had been long distance the past year due to his work so it made the immediate part easier but the weekend is going to be tough (he comes home every weekend). we had planned our life and everything and know Im just so confused.
Thoughts and support from others who have been through this or just have new advice to offer?
Post # 2
- Wedding: September 2015 - The Old Courthouse in Cleveland
May I ask what the ultimatum actually was?! That would probebly help us give you a better answer of our opinion 🙂
Post # 3
So you are waiting on his reply?
Post # 4
Sure, I had a big trip coming up that I was nervous about. He promised (for at least the 10th time) a few weeks ago that we would be engaged before the trip. Well the trip came and went and I returned Monday and he had allueded that it would likely happen the day I came back since it didn’t happen before. Of course the day came and went and he acted normal and didn’t mention anything. I told him before I left I would not be able to continue to move forward – less about the proposing and more about the fact that he is hurting me by setting specific timeframes (again, he is setting them not me) and then not following through. I said that I couldn’t handle it anymore and needed to move on since he seemed to be having such a hard time with this. I’m not really waiting on anything, I’m trying to accept things. I’m honestly not sure what will happen which makes me sad. He of course promised me when he left Monday that he still planned to propose at some point, but the years of ups and downs waiting was too much for me.
Also, I didn’t realize there was a separate ‘waiting’ section until after I posted here so I post there as well.
Post # 5
We dated for 5 years before getting engaged (got married after 7 years of dating).
I wouldn’t say I gave an ultimatum (but some may say I did) but I did STRONGLY express my desire not to be his girlfriend anymore for several reasons. After a certain age, a certian amount of time living together, and being together there comes a point where you should be considered family. What really flipped a switch in my now husband, was right before he was going to have surgery. At pre-op appointments doctors were not including me in the care plan at all (even though he needed assistance showering, going to the bathroom, ambulating, getting in/out of a car, managing medicines, driving to appointments post-op and driving him to physical therapy almost every day). I think thats when the importance of marriage kicked in. When he realized maybe it did have its benefits socially. That marriage was more practical. I think a lot of men see marriage as unpractical.
If I were in my 30s… I would have most definitely given a firm ultimatum if I wanted kids.
Post # 6
Wow. I am so surprised you’ve even waited this long. I dont like ultimatums but I think there are exceptions, like in your case. Hes continuously making promises he doesnt keep. Do you confront him when he doesnt stick to these timelines? What is his excuse?
Continuing to let you down is just unacceptable and I think you definitely made the right choice. Sounds like he needs a good kick up the arse. Stay strong!!!
Post # 7
- Wedding: September 2015 - The Old Courthouse in Cleveland
I don’t believe that it as much of an “ultimatum” as it is you expressing your expectation that he will follow through with him promises. If HE has told you that it will happen by a certain time, then there is nothing wrong with you holding him to that. Good for you for making it clear that you are not happy with him being flaky!
I am very sorry that you are in this situation. I really hope he follows through!
Post # 8
Women here talk bad about ultimatums somewhat often, I have to say I disagree.
For one, I’ve known very many men and very many happy marriages that started out on one. Quite a few guys said they were happy their now wives pushed the issue, because the nudge made them grow up, whereas otherwise they would have put off the life they currently love for years.
And secondly, even if a break up is a result, sometimes when one person feels completely powerless and neglected emotionally, an ultimatum helps them feel empowered, and like they are in charge of their lives and should have a say in relationships.
I’m sorry for what your dealing with. Its certainly a painful spot to be in. I hope you’ll find happiness and all the fulfillment in the world, for whatever your future holds.
Post # 9
i think ultimatums are fine. it paints a more realistic picture in your head, and i did this with my Fi too. (it worked). and i feel for you and what you’re going through right now. i hope it works out for you!
Post # 10
I think you did the right thing. I can’t imagine being disappointed over and over again! That just sucks. I also think ultimatums get a bad rap too. As women in our 30s, we have learned what we want, we have learned to go for it, and be independent! And if, after promising 10 times over he last couple years that he was going to propose and didn’t do it, and he’s already had the ring for 2 years, i would say go back out there and get what you want!!! Unfortunately for us, the clock is ticking, and you’ve been with this man for 8 years. If he doesn’t come around, you’ll find someone who will want to have that future with you!
Post # 11
- Wedding: A very pretty church.
LucaM78: We worked out a timeframe. He didn’t really stick to it, which really upset me because it was much later than I would have liked anyway (it had been a compromise much more in his favour) and he had informed me that he wanted to do things traditionally (aka if I proposed to him he would say ‘no’).
So I expressed my strong disappointment, based mostly on the fact that he was making commitments and not keeping them. I have some issues around trust with men (blame my father, I do) so when he says he will do something, right to my face and then doesn’t follow through (not because he can’t, just because he won’t…I’m not a crazy bitch) I feel like he has lied to me or ignored how it will feel for me to have that promise broken.
It was making a time that should have been happy and joyful, sad and strained. So it was more a ‘real talk’ than ultimatum. I told him how much he was hurting me and why it meant so much to me that he followed through (if that was what he planned on doing). So he did. Some people (male and female, but mostly male in my experience) seem to believe that something can only hurt you if it doesn’t happen. So I can’t be sad that he didn’t send me a valentine’s day card (we are usually LD) because he subsequently sent it to me, with a gift, some time around June, but it doesn’t really work like that >.>
So now we’re engaged but I still didn’t get my birthday card until a week after my birthday…and we live in the same house at the moment! You can’t really expect to change someone and you have to choose your battles.
I wish you luck and I hope that this gives him the push he needs, some men are just lazy about this stuff and need a bit of a push. This is different from forcing a boyfriend into marriage or the like, I have seen that difference.
People who know us and what he has done for me would probably never believe that I had to really break this all down for him. Sometimes even I can’t believe it. He’ll look at me and say, out of the blue “I can’t wait to marry you” (and no, not during ‘sexy time’) and I a) glow (as you do) but b) think “I know right! What took you so bloody long?”
Post # 12
I think you did the right thing.
The fact is that he is constantly going back on his word and has kept you waiting for years. I don’t know how you waited so long or why, but you’ve been patient enough. You’ve put your life on hold based on what this guy has been promising, and that’s not ok.
Honestly, I think you’d be much better off without this guy. He’s shown that he just isn’t reliable, and it would probably take a miracle for him to not do this same thing if your relationship continues, even if it’s about a different decision that needs to be made.
I don’t know if you two will end up together, but I hope you’re able to do all those things that you’ve been waiting so long for, and that you’ll be able to enjoy them despite all that has happened.
Post # 13
I think that in your case an ultimatum is completely acceptable and logical! If he doesn’t see a future with you or won’t act on whatever future he wants, then you are literally wasting your life. Do what’s best for you and if he comes around, great. If not, now you have the opportunity to meet Mr. Right. Good luck!
Post # 14
I wish you joy no matter what happens this weekend.
Post # 15
- Wedding: February 2015 - Chapel on Base
I feel you made the right decision. I wish you peace, comfort, and dreams coming true.