(Closed) Gave an ultimatum – no regrets

posted 4 years ago in Proposals
Post # 2
155 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - The Old Courthouse in Cleveland

May I ask what the ultimatum actually was?! That would probebly help us give you a better answer of our opinion 🙂

Post # 5
1181 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

We dated for 5 years before getting engaged (got married after 7 years of dating).

I wouldn’t say I gave an ultimatum (but some may say I did) but I did STRONGLY express my desire not to be his girlfriend anymore for several reasons. After a certain age, a certian amount of time living together, and being together there comes a point where you should be considered family. What really flipped a switch in my now husband, was right before he was going to have surgery. At pre-op appointments doctors were not including me in the care plan at all (even though he needed assistance showering, going to the bathroom, ambulating, getting in/out of a car, managing medicines, driving to appointments post-op and driving him to physical therapy almost every day). I think thats when the importance of marriage kicked in. When he realized maybe it did have its benefits socially. That marriage was more practical. I think a lot of men see marriage as unpractical. 

If I were in my 30s… I would have most definitely given a firm ultimatum if I wanted kids. 

Post # 6
104 posts
Blushing bee

Wow. I am so surprised you’ve even waited this long. I dont like ultimatums but I think there are exceptions, like in your case. Hes continuously making promises he doesnt keep. Do you confront him when he doesnt stick to these timelines? What is his excuse?

Continuing to let you down is just unacceptable and I think you definitely made the right choice. Sounds like he needs a good kick up the arse. Stay strong!!!

Post # 7
155 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - The Old Courthouse in Cleveland

I don’t believe that it as much of an “ultimatum” as it is you expressing your expectation that he will follow through with him promises. If HE has told you that it will happen by a certain time, then there is nothing wrong with you holding him to that. Good for you for making it clear that you are not happy with him being flaky!

I am very sorry that you are in this situation. I really hope he follows through!

Post # 8
577 posts
Busy bee

Women here talk bad about ultimatums somewhat often, I have to say I disagree. 

For one, I’ve known very many men and very many happy marriages that started out on one. Quite a few guys said they were happy their now wives pushed the issue, because the nudge made them grow up, whereas otherwise they would have put off the life they currently love for years. 

And secondly, even if a break up is a result, sometimes when one person feels completely powerless and neglected emotionally, an ultimatum helps them feel empowered, and like they are in charge of their lives and should have a say in relationships. 

I’m sorry for what your dealing with. Its certainly a painful spot to be in. I hope you’ll find happiness and all the fulfillment in the world, for whatever your future holds. 

Post # 9
1328 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

i think ultimatums are fine. it paints a more realistic picture in your head, and i did this with my Fi too. (it worked). and i feel for you and what you’re going through right now. i hope it works out for you! 

Post # 10
33 posts

I think you did the right thing. I can’t imagine being disappointed over and over again! That just sucks. I also think ultimatums get a bad rap too. As women in our 30s, we have learned what we want, we have learned to go for it, and be independent! And if, after promising 10 times over he last couple years that he was going to propose and didn’t do it, and he’s already had the ring for 2 years, i would say go back out there and get what you want!!! Unfortunately for us, the clock is ticking, and you’ve been with this man for 8 years. If he doesn’t come around, you’ll find someone who will want to have that future with you!

Post # 11
1313 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: A very pretty church.

LucaM78: We worked out a timeframe. He didn’t really stick to it, which really upset me because it was much later than I would have liked anyway (it had been a compromise much more in his favour) and he had informed me that he wanted to do things traditionally (aka if I proposed to him he would say ‘no’).

So I expressed my strong disappointment, based mostly on the fact that he was making commitments and not keeping them. I have some issues around trust with men (blame my father, I do) so when he says he will do something, right to my face and then doesn’t follow through (not because he can’t, just because he won’t…I’m not a crazy bitch) I feel like he has lied to me or ignored how it will feel for me to have that promise broken.

It was making a time that should have been happy and joyful, sad and strained. So it was more a ‘real talk’ than ultimatum. I told him how much he was hurting me and why it meant so much to me that he followed through (if that was what he planned on doing). So he did. Some people (male and female, but mostly male in my experience) seem to believe that something can only hurt you if it doesn’t happen. So I can’t be sad that he didn’t send me a valentine’s day card (we are usually LD) because he subsequently sent it to me, with a gift, some time around June, but it doesn’t really work like that >.>

So now we’re engaged but I still didn’t get my birthday card until a week after my birthday…and we live in the same house at the moment! You can’t really expect to change someone and you have to choose your battles.

I wish you luck and I hope that this gives him the push he needs, some men are just lazy about this stuff and need a bit of a push. This is different from forcing a boyfriend into marriage or the like, I have seen that difference.

People who know us and what he has done for me would probably never believe that I had to really break this all down for him. Sometimes even I can’t believe it. He’ll look at me and say, out of the blue “I can’t wait to marry you” (and no, not during ‘sexy time’) and I a) glow (as you do) but b) think “I know right! What took you so bloody long?”

Good luck!

Post # 12
2292 posts
Buzzing bee

I think you did the right thing.

The fact is that he is constantly going back on his word and has kept you waiting for years. I don’t know how you waited so long or why, but you’ve been patient enough. You’ve put your life on hold based on what this guy has been promising, and that’s not ok. 

Honestly, I think you’d be much better off without this guy. He’s shown that he just isn’t reliable, and it would probably take a miracle for him to not do this same thing if your relationship continues, even if it’s about a different decision that needs to be made.

I don’t know if you two will end up together, but I hope you’re able to do all those things that you’ve been waiting so long for, and that you’ll be able to enjoy them despite all that has happened. 

Post # 13
367 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I think that in your case an ultimatum is completely acceptable and logical! If he doesn’t see a future with you or won’t act on whatever future he wants, then you are literally wasting your life. Do what’s best for you and if he comes around, great. If not, now you have the opportunity to meet Mr. Right. Good luck!

Post # 14
7689 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I wish you joy no matter what happens this weekend.

Post # 15
1379 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2015 - Chapel on Base

I feel you made the right decision.   I wish you peace, comfort,  and dreams coming true. 

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