(Closed) Gave an ultimatum – no regrets

posted 7 years ago in Proposals
Post # 16
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee

Ultimatums needed to be judged on case-by-case basis. In this case, you were so right. I’m sorry for what you’ve been through, having him discuss your futures together like that with you and promising you’d be engaged by a certain time and then not going through with it (and then even not talking about it!) is so cruel. I do think it’s about time you sat him down calmy and tell him he needs to spend the next few day/weeks/months/whatever-you-are-comfortable-with thinking about whether he really wants to get married to you and if he truly loves you. Express to him you both are getting older and you both want kids. Tell him that you’ve been together for 8 years and if you can’t figure out what he wants by such-and-such-a-time that you’re over it.

Post # 18
Member
3268 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

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catpeaches:  

I am a fan of soft ultimatums. I did try the “commit or get out” ultimatum with my husband and it blew up in my face. He was also just too selfish at that time.

When my then boyfriend wanted to get back together after we split up for umpteenth time, I said:

“Listen, I love you very much and I want to be with you forever. If you don’t want to get married I respect your choice, but you need to tell me so that I can move on with my life. I am not playing this game with you any longer. Please do not contact me again unless you are ready to behave like a man and not a little boy. “

We moved into together within a month of that conversation and we were engaged two months later. It looks like my words and my refusal to get back with my then boyfriend lit a fire under his ass. He realized that I was perfectly capable of cutting him off and he didn’t want to lose me forever. 

A lot of men will just string women along for years because some ladies are willing to put up with noncomittal bullshit. They waste all their best years waiting for a man who is never going to marry them. What “too long” means is highly subjective. I don’t think I would wait more than three years. 

Post # 19
Member
1323 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

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PositiveThinking:  i’m glad a soft ultimatum worked for you as well. 

totally agree on the women who put up with men and their noncommital BS! i wish i could tell them all they deserve better. 🙁 

Post # 20
Member
3268 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

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catpeaches: 

I think about my cousin and her children’s father. 

After more than ten years and two kids, he STILL didn’t want to get married. It was partly her fault for waiting so long and giving him TWO kids without being married. 

Post # 21
Member
302 posts
Helper bee

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LucaM78:  I don’t have much anything to say that wasn’t already said by other bees. I think you did what was absolutely right for your situation. I can only imagine the level of frustration you felt with someone who continually broke promises, let alone dragged out a proposal. 

 

I hope that you are happy in the end no matter what happens 🙂 good luck and please keep us posted

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