Post # 16
Ultimatums needed to be judged on case-by-case basis. In this case, you were so right. I’m sorry for what you’ve been through, having him discuss your futures together like that with you and promising you’d be engaged by a certain time and then not going through with it (and then even not talking about it!) is so cruel. I do think it’s about time you sat him down calmy and tell him he needs to spend the next few day/weeks/months/whatever-you-are-comfortable-with thinking about whether he really wants to get married to you and if he truly loves you. Express to him you both are getting older and you both want kids. Tell him that you’ve been together for 8 years and if you can’t figure out what he wants by such-and-such-a-time that you’re over it.
Post # 17
Thanks to everyone, your comments, stories and supports mean a lot and are helping me to think and process everything. Ultimatum is a strong word because, as many of you pointed out, that’s not the best description of what happened. It was definitely more of…I’ve had enough of this and need to move on for my sanity and happiness than a propose or else. I’ve actually always been patient (clearly!) fair and honest and said that I would prefer he tell me if he felt he could not propose/be married than string me along. Of course he always said he could and that wasn’t an issue but circumstances clearly prove otherwise. I agree that it makes me worry about his ability to make other decisions. I know this is a big one you either decide to do it or not. It is helpful to read that others have gone through somewhat similar situations. I”m really not sure what to expect or what I want right now, all I know for sure is my long-term vision of family and that I was not getting it from the broken promises. I did confront him each time a timeframe was broken, he of course agreed and apologized and said he wants to marry me but has struggled with the anxiety of proposing/wedding. That’s fine and all but again I feel like the answer is then to deal with it and confront it rather than perpetuatally promise something that is a struggle – that’s the biggest issue for me.
Post # 18
I am a fan of soft ultimatums. I did try the “commit or get out” ultimatum with my husband and it blew up in my face. He was also just too selfish at that time.
When my then boyfriend wanted to get back together after we split up for umpteenth time, I said:
“Listen, I love you very much and I want to be with you forever. If you don’t want to get married I respect your choice, but you need to tell me so that I can move on with my life. I am not playing this game with you any longer. Please do not contact me again unless you are ready to behave like a man and not a little boy. “
We moved into together within a month of that conversation and we were engaged two months later. It looks like my words and my refusal to get back with my then boyfriend lit a fire under his ass. He realized that I was perfectly capable of cutting him off and he didn’t want to lose me forever.
A lot of men will just string women along for years because some ladies are willing to put up with noncomittal bullshit. They waste all their best years waiting for a man who is never going to marry them. What “too long” means is highly subjective. I don’t think I would wait more than three years.
Post # 19
i’m glad a soft ultimatum worked for you as well.
totally agree on the women who put up with men and their noncommital BS! i wish i could tell them all they deserve better. 🙁
Post # 20
I think about my cousin and her children’s father.
After more than ten years and two kids, he STILL didn’t want to get married. It was partly her fault for waiting so long and giving him TWO kids without being married.
Post # 21
I don’t have much anything to say that wasn’t already said by other bees. I think you did what was absolutely right for your situation. I can only imagine the level of frustration you felt with someone who continually broke promises, let alone dragged out a proposal.
I hope that you are happy in the end no matter what happens 🙂 good luck and please keep us posted